Watching sexy videos

So, my boyfriend doesn't think watching too much porn is good for him, he gets off more long term if he doesn't watch it. He just looks at photos of women when he's getting himself off. And I am very jealous in general, but i would just rather know the truth. And I am okay with it, it's not perfect. And I love him very much.

So, because we talk and we looked at a couple of different porn videos together, I know he likes watching two women together.

And I don't know what I was thinking, I thought it would be sexy if we watched girl on girl videos together during foreplay. I just wanted to make him happy, something I did for him.

It was my idea, I looked for them and everything. And he told me before, during and after, he didn't need them, I was enough. Then he also said, it was a little weird watching that while I was satisfying him. I enjoyed the fact he found it arousing. I mean, we both enjoyed it, but maybe it's not such a good idea. I wasn't jealous, but I'm afraid, I might become.

I am not sure why I did it in the first place. I think part of me wanted to know exactly what he likes that he can't get from me.

I am not sure what I feel, or how to approach him. But I think I don't want to do this anymore. Because in a perfect world, he really would want it, he would at least be looking at me more, so it reminds me how it's not perfect. But I don't want him to miss out on anything. If he enjoyed it, then I wouldn't want to stop. And now that I know even more what he likes, I found a video he would really like. So, use it, or don't? I would rather we do it together than him by himself, but if he doesn't watch videos anymore, only photos, then he wouldn't anyways. But it's better he does sexier things (videos vs pics) with me.

I guess I'm jealous because I don't want to loose him, I'm doing this so there would be less chance of that, and ironically it reminds me of loosing him. Really sucks. :/

Sometimes it's hard to know what you will like until you try it. If you don't want to watch similar videos again, you don't have to.

Why do you think you are worried about losing him? Has your boyfriend given you any indications that he is thinking of ending the relationship?

I have a really hard time with this too. On one hand, you love him and you want him to be happy, and it technically isn't hurting anything, but on the other hand it can make you feel inadequate or just afraid that you aren't enough, correct? I'm also like you in that I'd rather be there than him be alone.
If you want to try it, perhaps set some ground rules first. Say "I'm willing to try this because I want to make you happy, but if I can't handle it, can we please stop?". If you don't like it, you never have to do it again.

I am not sure why I did it in the first place. I think part of me wanted to know exactly what he likes that he can't get from me.

He could probably get it from you if you were willing. Even if he gets it from you though, that doesn't mean he won't want it from somewhere else because sexual desire doesn't become extinguished by feeding it. Like a fire, it becomes extinguished by not feeding it. That means no sex, no masturbation. I imagine that it was easier to be celibate at a time when men weren't constantly bombarded by sexual imagery that's implicitly designed to make men horny.

But that's the underlying, hidden truth of sexual desire that most men never realize because they never challenge themselves in that regard. If you don't feed it, it goes away. Most men probably believe that it builds up and builds up ultimately making one uncomfortable, but that's false. The male body doesn't work that way; it's actually designed to weaken and shut down the sexual urge after prolonged celibacy. Men don't need sexual release, rather they're addicted to it in the same way as a drug addict and don't notice it. (They'd probably feel better if they didn't ejaculate at all and just retained it all.)

I don't know why it's this way, but it's fascinating, right?

Porn is not a marital aid.

Tabs wrote:Porn is not a marital aid.

That depends on the individuals. There are people who watch it together as part of a healthy adult relationship.

There are also people for whom it's not a healthy thing.

As far as the OP goes, I fear Contemplate could be swapping one insecurity for another. The guy has said she's enough for him, and that he believes watching too much porn is bad for him.

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Contemplate... Many men find porn desensitises them, and affects their ability to 'perform' in real life situations. I take it that's what you meant by "he gets off more long term when he doesn't watch it"?

This is just my opinion, I might be wrong, but I don't think this is a terribly good idea for the two of you at this time, especially as you feel it might lead to you feeling jealous. Unless you're very secure in a relationship, it's perfectly natural to feel that way about your partner looking at other people getting off.

Maybe it's an idea that the two of you could enjoy together in the future, but from what I can gather from your post, I don't think it's the right thing for now.

Gwion wrote:

Tabs wrote:Porn is not a marital aid.

That depends on the individuals. There are people who watch it together as part of a healthy adult relationship.

I have to agree with Tabs, Gwion. Porn has no place in a marriage and men who have wives should give up porn entirely. It's not pleasant, but it's the truth. It's too hurtful for wives to know that their husbands are looking at porn and sexual release is not mandatory. He doesn't need porn, although he might be uncomfortable like a drug addict without porn because he's addicted to sexual gratification.

Like I stated earlier, the problem is not that he can't get it from his girlfriend (although I'm not stating he can). The problem here that the OP doesn't understand is that male sexual desire itself is insatiable and that he's addicted to one outlet of sexual gratification. The only ways to really taper sexual craving naturally are growing old and simply not ejaculating.

I agree in this case, but there are couples who quite happily enjoy watching it together.

I'm not a fan of porn myself, and know all about the negative effects it can have on some people, but it's wrong to say that the same rule should apply to everyone.

Okay, fair enough.

Platypus wrote:Why do you think you are worried about losing him? Has your boyfriend given you any indications that he is thinking of ending the relationship?

No. I'm just insecure.

aliveatnight wrote:I have a really hard time with this too. On one hand, you love him and you want him to be happy, and it technically isn't hurting anything, but on the other hand it can make you feel inadequate or just afraid that you aren't enough, correct? I'm also like you in that I'd rather be there than him be alone.

Exactly.

aliveatnight wrote:If you want to try it, perhaps set some ground rules first. Say "I'm willing to try this because I want to make you happy, but if I can't handle it, can we please stop?". If you don't like it, you never have to do it again.

That's a great idea.

Kabuhi wrote:

Contemplate wrote:I am not sure why I did it in the first place. I think part of me wanted to know exactly what he likes that he can't get from me.

He could probably get it from you if you were willing. Even if he gets it from you though, that doesn't mean he won't want it from somewhere else because sexual desire doesn't become extinguished by feeding it.[/b][/i]

Well, he can't get it from me, because I am not willing to kiss another girl, and he also doesn't know if he wouldn't be jealous. So I meant he can't get exactly that. Though he says it's not his biggest turn on. But I'm not sure what would be his biggest turn on, especially if he says that if one girl is good, two are better.

Gwion wrote:There are also people for whom it's not a healthy thing.

As far as the OP goes, I fear Contemplate could be swapping one insecurity for another. The guy has said she's enough for him, and that he believes watching too much porn is bad for him.

Yes, I mean my biggest fear would be loosing him to someone else, so if we (he) is watching porn/images of girls, then I am loosing his attention momentarily. I think you can love someone in general and watch porn, but while you're in the zone, you can't be exactly thinking how much you love them at that time, right (at least usually most of people don't)? And while you're watching tv, cooking, walking your dog, working etc. you can think of your significant other and think how much you love them (it's possible, not weird).

Gwion wrote:Contemplate... Many men find porn desensitises them, and affects their ability to 'perform' in real life situations. I take it that's what you meant by "he gets off more long term when he doesn't watch it"?

Yes. But now he also said he's probably going to watch porn while I'm away for two weeks. Before he said he didn't, then I found out he uses pics (also many at a time, so it does ''work'' like porn since he's changing pics and should desensitize him somewhat). And now while I'm away he is probably going to.

Gwion wrote:This is just my opinion, I might be wrong, but I don't think this is a terribly good idea for the two of you at this time, especially as you feel it might lead to you feeling jealous. Unless you're very secure in a relationship, it's perfectly natural to feel that way about your partner looking at other people getting off.

Maybe it's an idea that the two of you could enjoy together in the future, but from what I can gather from your post, I don't think it's the right thing for now.

I was okay then, but looking back, it just wasn't my thing. But I thought that I would be less jealous if I handled that, but it's the same.

Also, I wouldn't like it if he did watch porn now while I'm away for two weeks. Should I tell him? I trust him enough to tell him, and he wouldn't lie to me. But I don't think I even have the right to ask him something like that. I mean, of course I have the right to tell him what I feel, and what I want. But I think he might push me away, especially if he doesn't know why I'm feeling like this. Cause he trusted me with this, which is personal, and it wasn't easy for him, so I don't want him to feel judged. But it really bothers me. And I don't understand why exactly would he do that.

--And also he says he doesn't look at women on the street in a way where he would imagine having sex with them, but he likes point of view porn. So he is doing something he doesn't think he should be ''thinking'' otherwise. I mean I heard him say (and other guys) something like.. ''I am just looking at their bodies, not their faces, I don't think of f*****g them, it's just a visual air, they look similar to you''. And then, why don't they use my photos, or ask me to take videos, that would hypothetically be even better? But they're not thinking of me because they choose not to.

--And my boyfriend says he wouldn't want to overuse my photos, so I look new/fresh to him in person, and because he doesn't have that many photos of me. He has half naked photos of me, but not naked, but he likes to watch half naked women anyways (cause there's still something to imagine). Which would suggest he wants variety, which I can't give him (since I'm only one person).

--And he also uses about ''ten to one hundred pics'', which means dozens, which would suggest it should desensitize him somewhat like porn, since it's not a very natural occurring event. And he says he uses that many pics because he likes to change things around. And in bed in certain situations (don't want give too much info) it's hard to keep him interested unless changing my strategy (where, how much pressure, how fast..) literally every couple of seconds. So I do believe him when he says porn desensitizes him. But otherwise it's great in bed..just depends what we're doing, but sex is fantastic for both. But I'm wondering would it ever be enough if he had to look at only me - I know he prefers sex with me to his pics, but if I were there all the time, would he miss imagining being with others? Or is it more like an aid?

I know he is not big on porn or his pics..he says he doesn't need that and prefers me. But me thinking about him watching things like that, represents my greatest fear..which I can get off to as well (seeing him enjoy something), but it doesn't feel right (not as strong, leaves a bad taste in my mouth). Or should I just get used to it. If I did get used to it, I would rather be there while he's doing that.
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I really don't know how to approach him. I'm going to ask him what he feels and thinks about, cause I want to understand. But he will not make a big deal out of it. But then me expressing my concerns isn't going to make him feel secure. How do I tell him how it makes me feel?