Infuriated by my parents

I love my parents, but sometimes they get on my nerves. I'm 22 and live full time at uni, but you wouldn't always know that if you just knew how my parents sometimes treat me when I go to see them. Yes I appreciate this sounds a teenage-like post; in many ways I feel like I'm having my teenage rebellion now, since I'm just getting out and living my own life free of many things that have held me back (however nicely)

I'm not too close to my father, but he does care about me and show interest--we just have little common interests. In some ways I like him more than my mother though, because he just lets me get on with things. I like being able to live my own life as an independent person, even when I visit my parents.

He shares his opinions about things with me (fair enough if you don't like what I do) but knows not to push them on me if I don't want them. My mother on the other hand can be pushy. She's kind and lovely, but has a strange way of (sometimes) not taking no for an answer. If I do something she doesn't like she can get grumpy. I find it hard to speak to her about the things she "does wrong" or generally annoy me because she'll say "You can't be angry with me!" or "RIGHT you must do X--because I'm worried for you if you don't!" or "You're not angry with me are you? *sadfacesadface*" (as if being angry with someone is something that's bad in itself). For example my mother sometimes buys me clothes, insists that I wear them, hints that I'm being antisocial/grouchy if I don't want to do it, and then either constantly compliments me on how I look or delivers slightly backhanded comments about how the clothes look "oldmanish" and she shouldn't have bought them (even when I'm wearing them). And she doesn't stop either, even when I've done my best to tell her that I appreciate her opinion, but it isn't up for debate ("I'm just saying!"). Whether I'm just too soft hearted and I don't want to hurt her feelings or she's (totally unintentionally, she is a kind person) manipulating me I don't know; probably both. I hate having my feelings invalidated. It's taken me 22 years to realise that there's a difference between feeling anger and lashing out at someone.

It's got to the point now that I feel more able to be passive-aggressive and find funny ways to rebel than actually sit down and speak to my parents about things, because I'm just not sure that they'll listen to me. I feel silly to admit it, but I often don't tell them about the things I'm doing or what I wear because I feel like I need some independence, and if they seem disappointed there's often too much of a feeling that they're embarrassed to know me, or ashamed of their own mistakes which they see in me.

I can see though that she uses some strategies that are very bad. I can't describe them, but I have a similar personality to her, and I'm trying to quit the very same things that I see in her that annoy me, because they've led to the breakup of important relationships for me. I've come to the conclusion that I need more space from my parents: my life is now my own, and I'm just not sure any longer that my parents WILL change, even if I spoke to them. Mother is busy with many other things all at once and seems to be constantly in a rush (and is going through a divorce with my father) and changing her personality just isn't a priority for her. In other ways I'm sorry to admit that I sort of like the attention my parents can lavish on me: rarely do I feel close to anyone else, not to mention the security of having a home-base in a really stressful uni life where my other relationships have collapsed.

Maybe it's the coward's way out, but I have to let my parents go. I'm not sure whether I can deal with the drama any more.

Hi WindGuru,

I realize you posted this a while ago, but I can relate to some of these issues with your parents. Were you able to create space or boundaries between you and them?

Could be worse. They could not give a crap. Be thankful they're the nosy busy-body type instead.

As someone who graduated last year, I wanted to give you my take on your situation. I remember quite fondly the struggle school could present and the feeling of being in survival mode. You feel like you're so close to the free world, but you're not quite there yet. It can be frustrating because you're an adult but not in the situation you want to be.
Even after a year and a half, I still feel like that, still in survival mode, but now I don't have to deal with school anymore. I have many goals but I have a lot of grinding to do to get where I want to be. I live with my mom still and while I was in school like you, there were times when she would really get on my nerves, in similar ways you mentioned in your first post. You feel like they still look at you like a kid, and while I only now recently feel like a full man, I didn't like being talked to like I was a child. But you know what, I came to realize that my mom was always in my corner and always did her best for me. The only reason she came down hard on me was because she wanted me to live a much better youth than she did.
I'm going to start another post here so this one doesn't get too long.

Whether I'm just too soft hearted and I don't want to hurt her feelings or she's (totally unintentionally, she is a kind person) manipulating me I don't know; probably both. I hate having my feelings invalidated. It's taken me 22 years to realise that there's a difference between feeling anger and lashing out at someone.

The other lesson I learned while growing up is that you need to tell your parents how you honestly feel. If you don't, they won't stop treating you differently. In life, people will come and go like the night to the day, but our family will never go away. There was a time after college that I moved to Japan and that's when I found out how much my mom loved me, and how much I loved her. She was always there for me to talk to, and I truly appreciated her for it because I was quite lonely over there. Please remember no matter how you feel about your parents now, they're going to always be there for you and will always love you for who you are, no matter what you feel now.

I feel silly to admit it, but I often don't tell them about the things I'm doing or what I wear because I feel like I need some independence, and if they seem disappointed there's often too much of a feeling that they're embarrassed to know me, or ashamed of their own mistakes which they see in me.

I don't think you're parents are disappointed in you, but you yourself may have convinced yourself of this. Trust me, there were times that I thought I was a disappointment to my family but in reality it was only me that thought so. After looking back at my life and writing down all of my major accomplishments and writing a diary, I've come to see I've done more at 25 than people have at 75. You and I are so young and our lives our truly just beginning! Look back at all you've done and take a step back from how you feel now. These things you think your parents think about yourself probably aren't true. You just need to pour your heart out and tell them how you feel. Doing that isn't going to be easy to do, but they will more than likely respect you rather than disrespect your feelings.

So to wrap up my post here, yes, you are an adult and you should probably give yourself some space between you and your parents for a while. This is normal to feel this way; I think it's nature's way of getting us ready to live on our own, but just don't forget that your parents will always be there for you and they will always love you.