What's wrong with me?

Hello, I'm a 23 year-old male from Portugal, so I'll start by apologizing in advance if at any point my writing is not the best.
This will probably be a long text, but I'll try to sum it up as much as I can.
I'll probably need to start by writing a bit about my past.
I was never a person with many friends. To be honest, I just started having contact with people outside my family, after my 10th grade (in which I was 15 years old, if I remember correctly). Even then, it never became easier to me to deal with people, and I always was oversensitive to judgement from others. Self-confidence is a term for something that I've been told a lot of times that I need to get, but never had. And to be honest, I work in a supermarket for 5 years, and damn me if I'm blind, but I've never seen this "self-confidence" thing on the shelves.
Still, I've managed to create connections over time, don't know how, with a small number of persons.
I'd never go out with them, as I always hated this thing that society has for alcohol and smoke, in which apparently the only legitimate way of having fun and enjoying the company of a friend, is through discos, beer and cigarettes.
But at least, they were, you know, there.
So I've finished the 12th grade and managed to enter an university, but as soon as I realized its reality (starting with it being 1 hour away from home), I quite simply, ran the hell away.
I was 18 by then, so I started working, in the same supermarket I am now. And through the intervention of one of my friends, I started volunteering in an animal protection association. Suicidal move, really, as I'm afraid of dogs. But through it I met someone. A girl that I identified with a lot, and very quickly. She wasn't insecure like me, but shared a lot of my opinions, and was very supportive of all my fears and insecurities. I felt I could be me with her, while up until then I had tried to be what others needed me to be, so I could be accepted.
It didn't take long until our connection got stronger, and eventually we kissed.
Those days were beautiful,I was being loved, accepted, but it all started going downhill soon after. We had different ideas of what was happening. I thought we were girlfriend-boyfriend, she only looked at it like a good friendship, with some "benefits".
Because the only thing we disagreed on was the most painful of them all. I wanted and valued serious commited relationships, she was just averse to "chains" and wanted to go as she pleased.
I loved her so much, that when I started getting signs that this was the case, I just utterly destroyed the relationship (even the friendship). I started overwhelming her with texts, my presence, and I'd even camp at her window if she didn't answer me for a while. She actually was understanding of it until she could, but I was on panic mode already.
She eventually left me behind. And that feeling of loss was unbearable for years, and it still stings me.
That feeling of loss, started creating in me those same attitudes in every friend I had around me, until I lost everyone. I rationally know that it's not me who drove the people away from me, but my fears. I can understand all of that, I can rationalize, but in the moment, it's just unbearable and I can't control myself. There's no brain when those situations rise.
I even had one girlfriend after this, maybe for compensation, because I didn't love her, and hell if I know if she loved me or not. Even so, I ended up doing the exact same attitudes. Need I say how much time it lasted?
Regardless, when that relationship ended, it was the other girl I was thinking about. And I was drowning in that ghost alone. The ghost of the girl who started all my losses. While doing so, I created a new me. A me that would neglect any and all judgement from others, would care for nothing and noone, would tell anyone to f*** off out of my way. A me that would only do and say what he pleased, at no heed to what others wanted, and said that he didn't care if other people hated him.
A me that always said: " As long as I promise to myself to never connect with anyone else anymore, I won't have to feel the fear of loss again"
It was just lies. Lies towards the others, but primarily, to myself. I believed I had actually become that person.
But the only thing I had become was a bitter idiot, that couldn't even accept himself for what he was, and hated his own oversensitivity to things. I also couldn't deal with my desperate need to be accepted, loved, cared for, which at that point, regardless of what I said, was bigger than ever.
The only thing that was true was that I started developing hatred for the person I've loved, but left me in that state.
And during all of this, I learned nothing. I improved myself on nothing. I reached the age of 22 last year with no knowledge whatsoever of the adult life. Living with my mom, couldn't cook if my life depended on it, didn't bother about the drivers license, and unable to deal with any paperwork, and absolutely oblivious on many things that normal people find " basic".
Last year, out of nowhere, I started having anxiety crisis. Perhaps I had let things pent up inside me for a bit too long. I was medicated for that with an anxyolithic and with an antidepressive. For months. Got me nowhere and I forcefully had to learn to "get used" to the crisis.
Up until last February. I met someone. Someone that fell off from the sky, and somehow made me break the promise I kept to myself about avoiding making contact with people.
As the relationship started growing, I started showing some of the good old familiar attitudes of desperation for fear of loss, and before I destroyed another friendship, I took a suicidal move. I just opened my book to her, told her my story, and left in her hands to decide if she wanted to leave me.
What came out of this was the best thing that has happened in my life.
She not only understood me, but vowed to help me to get all parts of my life better.
I started going with her everywhere when I could, and when she could. She's a very busy person. She has one fixed job, but is always using the weekends to get other sorts of temporary jobs. Also, she's always doing classes (or "modular courses", I guess?) when she can. So she's always moving, but I'm always following around, keeping her company on the way home, or to work, or to the classes. And when she has a free hour during the week, we sit down and talk. We text each other a lot (with me going overboard in quantity, sometimes).
She is very methodical, organized, and to her, every minute counts. Sometimes, to a fault. I wish she could be a little less strict sometimes.
What she did to me is she took the role of a therapist, basically. I started writing every single one of my progresses, lists about EVERYTHING I do and learn and read. Literally, EVERYTHING.
She's helped me out in choosing new clothing, a new haircut, everything.
And obviously, she gave me a lot of advice in the most various situations of my life I'm not happy in.
Up until now, it has had at least 1 big result. As oblivious as I am about fending for myself, I have actually recently moved to live alone (which was a big chaotic drama with my mom). She's teaching me to cook, and how to keep a house.
Rewinding a bit, she's also introduced me to her 18 year old sister, and to her 26 year old male best friend, in hopes I could connect with them aswell.
Thing is, her sister is a bit childish in attitude (even though she can fend for herself 100 times more than I can) and not very understanding of others' issues. And that male friend is a cool guy, and to what I know, he was a bit like me, but it seems to me that if that is true, he forgot what it is. He sees things way too simply.
So, in no way, shape or form, I trust those two as much as I trust her.
And something else has happened. She took me out at night with those 2 and her to a dance party. And I felt completely apart. With her, I can talk, and I talk A LOT. Add one person to the group, I'll shut up entirely. Add two, and I'll just disappear from the map.
Also, one thing I've noticed is that her and that guy have a very long-lasting, very intimate, friendship. They're always touching each other and hugging and that, and as that reminds me of what I most want in my life, that also reminds me that while all those 3 have people they're intimate with, I'm nothing.
I have her as a marvellous friend, but she hasn't the same intimacy with me as she has with others.
Not saying that isn't natural, but I feel apart.
And yes, I did tell her this. I trust her with every bit of my being. Her answer was the worse answer that can be given to a desperate person : "Time".
But things kept evolving, as I kept learning new things, and was able to move home as I said.
But recently I have went overboard in many aspects. I've been trying to call her at any moment, trying to be her at any cost (even though she has, you know, an actual life besides me, and a very busy one at that). And I feel I've become a burden to her. The idea started when on a weekend she asked me to refrain to text her except if it was urgent, because she wanted to rest a bit and spend some time with her friends. She wasn't impolite or anything. But, in effect, what she said is that she associates others with "fun, relaxation, good moments", whereas she associates me with "work, burden".
Think it was unintentional on her part, and I still feel every bit of the same good will on her part to help me, but she did let slip what she really feels.
This was confirmed some days later, when after I called her once and she couldn't pick up, her sister stormed at me saying I was obsessed, and to leave her alone, and that I was a 5 year-old that couldn't do anything for himself alone (hence why I said that the sister is not very caring nor understanding for others).
Regardless, that confirmed that I was being a burden and that she's been hiding to me that she feels very pressured by me, because her sister has definitely seen some sort of anger/distress moment from her, which took her to unload that ammunition on me.
I didn't like to do it, but I brought it in a conversation. She reassured me that I shouldn't feel miserable, because if she didn't want to be around me, she wouldn't be. (To be honest, that sounds like her, she's also very independant, and if she doesn't like one place or one situation, she leaves immediately, no questions asked).
But the fact stands, this is not what I wanted. To put people in pressure. Of course I want and need the help she's been giving me, but more than that I wanted to be someone of use to her too! Someone that meant good vibes to her too, not just an obligation.
This is the situation.
Now here are the two problems that brought me here:
- I just recently moved home, and the process took weeks, and took a toll on me both physically and mentally. My friend is someone as I said, very methodical, very strict, and very time-efficient. Because of her multiple activities, she lives at what I consider an extreme speed. It works with her, but I think not all people have that capability. However, she does expect of me to be the same because if she can, then everyone should try to be able to do it. She has huge anger issues with people that stop for more than 2 hours a day, and has no problem calling those people lazy.
As I just moved, she's already advising me to focus on registering myself on more courses (I'm registered in some, still yet to be called), and to start seeing places where to get the driver's license.
And yes, I do think she thinks I can do it all at the same time. My job (which schedule is unpredictable, and two out of the 3 shifts don't allow me to have courses, and the other one forces me to wake up early), taking care of a home (one week ago I didn't even know how to cook something), the courses, and the driver's license.
To be honest, I don't think I can do things at this frantic speed. (And yes, when she took her driver's license, she was working in 2 different places, taking courses, and living by herself)
I'm scared to disappoint her, and to be considered wasted time on her schedule.
- The second problem is that I keep having some crisis and go overboard with texts and company. I'm so afraid of losing her, that even though I don't wanna become a burden, I already am. I want to be someone that means "good time" to her, I wanna be of use to her too, I want her to enjoy my company too, but all I'm able to do is the exact opposite.
I have fear that the fear itself will be what'll cause me (again) to lose a friend (again). Only that I never trusted someone this much before (not even my first "love", that girl that started the whole chain of fear I have), so this fear is amplified to the maximum at the moment.
And rationally, I realize all of this, but I can't help it.
I can't control my attitudes, and my fear of being alone again.
I just always wanted to be loved and accepted, and now that I have one person in the world that did just that, and invested her time on me, why can't I get rid of the fear of losing the person?
What's wrong with me?