Mom says I need to prove myself before moving out

I've been with my boyfriend for over 5 months now and we've both talked about me moving into his parents place with him, a lot. He has talked to his parents and they are actually excited about me moving in, they are completely fine with it. There are so many more job opportunities around that area, than where I'm living now - which is a small hicktown that I've lived in my entire life, literally. I am 19 years old now, and I'm ready to start my life with him. We're not engaged yet, but we're planning on marriage as soon as we find a place of our own and are financially stable. I feel absolutely stuck where I'm at now, unmotivated and depressed. Since it's a small area with so many people living in it, it's extremely difficult to find a good job here. I got lucky once on a seasonal/temp job at Macy's, but they were hiring A LOT of people at that time. I'm also looking into pet care and child care- I created an account on care.com and there's about 50x more jobs in the area I'm moving to than where I'm at now.
My mom thinks that I don't take enough initiative, I don't know how to cook, clean or basically do anything worthwhile (I'm not sure how moving out of the comfort of this home to find better job opportunities and make something of my life isn't taking initiative). She says I have to "prove myself" and not be lazy - even though I often do chores around the house (including some cooking), I am currently writing a book, and I go on runs occasionally and take care of myself. There seriously is NOTHING to do around here other than that. I really don't know what she expects me to do. Honestly, I am not waiting for my parents approval. They have always been much more strict towards me than they were for my brother, which I find very offensive. He moved away to college after high school and never moved back into our house, went from apartment to apartment and had many different roommates. My parents didn't bother him about it, ever, because they always believed him to be an adult and he can do his own thing. Apparently, I am not an adult and I never will be.
My dad at least is more open to me moving out and our talk about it was very good. He treated me like I am old enough to make my own decisions, whereas my mom just assumes I'm going to mess everything up. Seriously, the more she pushes and nags at me, the quicker I want to get out of here.

My parents do the favoritism towards my brother as well. It's insanely annoying and painful. However, no matter what they say, you are 19 and they can't stop you from leaving. You're an adult now, and as such have the ability to make whatever decision you want, ESPECIALLY on moving out. They cannot force you to stay. So you know what? If they don't want to be understanding, then who cares what they think!

That's my take on the situation anyways.

A part of the journey to independence and true adulthood is having the freedom to make mistakes, know that this is okay, and learn from them.

Just as previous posters said, at 19 you are allowed to explore your independency, life, future, make mistakes and learn from them. There is tons of fun in that! Even if your parents disagree with your decision they should respect it. There is nothing unhealthy about your future plans and I wish you all the best in your life. Be explorative, curious, smart and independent!

It sounds as if your mum may be quite insecure and is actually more dependent upon you than you are on her. All mums feel the pain of the empty nest syndrome, but it must happen. The aim of being a good parent is to eventually set their children free.

All you can do is reassure her that you'll be okay, tell her you know that she loves you, and that you'll always love her, but you're now an adult and free to make your own choices, and even mistakes.

Has it occurred to you that one of the reasons your mother wants to keep you around the house longer than your brother is that she actually enjoys having your company more than she did his?
Think. When he left, she still had you but when you leave have your ever heard of the Empty Nest syndrome parents especially mothers often experience when all their children leave home? It's a bittersweet life change for parents because after all you're somebody they've spent almost two
decades taking care of and having around. That's much longer than most romantic relationships last
here in the 21st century. Becoming an independent self-supporting adult is something everybody
has to do of course but try to understand and be comforting to your mother's anxieties by putting
yourself in her place. Try asking for her advice on what sort of "proof" you could give her that might
make her feel more secure that she hasn't left something out in your education she won't be able
to provide you with after you leave home. Work out contingency risk management plans with her
for when you leave home so she knows you'll be able to contact her for help or support if something goes wrong and she'll be able to make contact with you.

One thing you mentioned about work availability in your area I would like to mention may be a
"the other side of the hill is always greener" naïve assessment from lack of experience...work is
almost always more available where there are more people needing services like the child and
pet care services you mentioned for example. Smaller suburban communities are only easier to
find work in if they are more affluent such as New Canaan, Connecticut where I graduated high
school. Troy New Hampshire where I was a high school freshmen had a smaller population but
far fewer job opportunities being a fairly poor mill town. Anything you get a chance to do that
will give you more work experience or educational opportunities go for. One of my sisters is
an executive with BIC now and another is a registered nurse both of whom started out doing
housekeeping and flipping burgers working their way through college. One of my sisters
stayed in Connecticut, the other moved to Texas. It doesn't matter where you go if you have
skills needed there other people will pay you to use there.

Sounds like you're the only child? Can't say I blame your Mom reacting that way. You're probably the epicenter of her life. And not only moving out, but far away sounds like. The role that's defined your Mom for 19 years is coming to end and that's probably scaring the hell out of her. But as is often the case, when people fear change they can get bitter, angry, etc. and not say what they really want to say. So try and give her the benefit of the doubt, see her as being fearful of change, losing you, being lonely, etc.

Everybody here seems to be saying that it's because your mother wants to keep you around or is suffering from empty nest syndrome.

I'll just point out that there's a huge difference between a 19-year old girl moving into her boyfriend's parents' house and her older brother leaving for college or moving in with a same-sex roommate. Also, no offense, but I think it's too soon to dismiss the possibility that your mother is legitimately concerned about your maturity level before moving out.

I see no reason to automatically assume that her behavior is motivated by her fear of her daughter moving out. If anything, her willingness to let your brother move out implies that on some level there is a willingness on her part to separate with her children.

hour_glass wrote:My dad at least is more open to me moving out and our talk about it was very good. He treated me like I am old enough to make my own decisions, whereas my mom just assumes I'm going to mess everything up. Seriously, the more she pushes and nags at me, the quicker I want to get out of here.

Generally that's the way it is most of time I think. The father is the calmer and more approachable parent while the mother is usually the more emotional, standoffish parent and provides direction. The father provides the reason in the household, whereas the mother provides the heart and the pulse of the household. Men are usually better suited for the former role while women are better suited for the latter role, but both are needed to a degree for good parenting.

Children need to feel secure and to feel order. At the same time it's easy to become too comfortable and to become lax, so it's good for them to have someone pushing them, making them a little uncomfortable such as by nagging, and steering them toward a direction in life. There are exceptions to this, obviously; for example, this wouldn't apply if your boyfriend is a hothead or a chronic manipulator. However, in single parent households generally one important element of parenting is missing. Usually the former is going to missing, because generally the mother keeps the children. Even if the father is granted custody however, he may eschew the former role and take on the latter role instead deeming it more vital.