A relationship is not a one-way street!

I've been in a long-distance relationship with my guy for almost 5 years. Everything was fine until these past two years: His jr and sr years of college.

He goes to a very prestigious college and is almost always bogged down with work. I, myself, have since finished my Associate's program and am awaiting acceptance into my Bachelor's program. Right now, I'm just working part time to try and save up some money. Because I just work (I wait tables. NOT an easy job!), my guy seems to think I have all the time in the world to do things for him. And when I say "things"... allow me to explain: I'm an ex-artist but I still maintain some of my drawing skills. Because of this, my guy is always wanting me to draw "adult" pictures of my characters for him. I don't mind doing this every once in a while, but he asks for it far too often. When I think I have some free time to read, play a video game, or work in the house (I live at home and help my mother take care of the house), he pops up and wants something from me. I can hammer out a doodle in less than an hour and when I'm done, he'll sometimes asks for more. When I do extra stuff for him, he'll sometimes promise me something in return (like photos, a piece of writing, something special when we visit, etc.). Over the course of the week, he'll forget about that said something and, when I ask him about it, he asks me "what it's worth to me". Basically asking me what I'm willing to do for the thing he promised me over a week ago after I ALREADY did something for him! I understand he's a guy and he has needs that need to be met, but I have needs too! He'll feed me excuses about how he's not feeling well, has schoolwork to do, his dog got in the way, etc. Basically... I'm giving and not getting, and he's getting and not giving.

We need some help here. I'm NOT ending the relationship because we've been through far too much to just throw it all away over something like this.

If explaining it to him doesn't work, is it possible to perhaps have him do something first? Have him do something that makes you happy, and then do something that he wants. Maybe it can get to the point where you both can do little things for each other evenly. There's no wrong in asking your SO for something, however what he is doing is very unfair to you, and no, you shouldn't have to deal with that. Things need to be even and fair, and he does need to realize that.

It's good of you for not wanting to break up. I just think you need to be a bit forceful in doing this. Make it clear what you're doing and why.

I really hope this helps in any way...

aliveatnight wrote:If explaining it to him doesn't work, is it possible to perhaps have him do something first? Have him do something that makes you happy, and then do something that he wants. Maybe it can get to the point where you both can do little things for each other evenly. There's no wrong in asking your SO for something, however what he is doing is very unfair to you, and no, you shouldn't have to deal with that. Things need to be even and fair, and he does need to realize that.

It's good of you for not wanting to break up. I just think you need to be a bit forceful in doing this. Make it clear what you're doing and why.

I really hope this helps in any way...

I've tried explaining it to him several times and, I don't know if it's because of his Asberger's(sp?) or not, but he tends to overreact and either get angry, upset, or a combination of the two. It makes talking to him about this issue near impossible. A few nights ago, I asked him to write something for me. He admitted that I had earned it and asked for details. He said he'd work on it that evening after I went to bed. Talked to him the next day and he said nothing about the night before and I didn't ask about it, so I'm guessing he didn't write anything.

He claims things are fair because he caters to all of my whims in the bedroom when we visit each other. I guess, in a way, they are but I can count on one hand the number of things I have from him to..erm..satiate me when we're apart. As for all the stuff he has from me? Well...let's just say I'd need a few more hands to count all of them. >.>

That's a really tough situation...does he realize that just because he does one thing, doesn't mean you have to do everything else the rest of the time?
I think he needs to understand what you're trying to say. I'm not really sure how you could word it, other than showing that things need to be even (he does something, you do something, ect), but I wonder if that would even be effective...

That's tough, but don't keep doing things if you don't think it's fair to you. Do surprises and other things if you wish, but when he asks just don't do it. And you can be up front about it too. Just say "No, I don't feel like I'm getting fair treatment" (or whatever). I would try it out, that type of behavior would seriously set me off.

It /is/ tough and it drives me a little bit crazy sometimes (though I don't show it).

Part of me thinks it's a budding addiction to pornography because he's been known to pay upwards of $40-$50 total and commission other artists for adult artwork of his female character.

I would talk to him and see if he feels the same, although he might deny it huh?
I would express how it makes you feel, because he needs to know. And it needs to keep being repeated until he understands.
I would have gone crazy, and I would have snapped. I give you so many props for being able to keep together.

Talk to him. Talking goes a long way. If he won’t listen, write him a letter.

I don't always get through to him when I talk to him about his kind of stuff.

He tells me that it's "just how his mind and body work blahblahblah..." and "having stuff like this waiting for him when he comes home after a long day makes him happy etc."

It's to the point where he's starting to use things as currency to get what he wants. I collect bottlecaps and have for many years. He drinks beer a lot and sets the caps aside for me and hands them off to me when I visit him. I saw him this past week and he had a huge pile of bottlecaps sitting on his desk. Assuming he had set them aside for me, I went to grab them. He scooped them up and said, "What are these caps worth to you? What are you willing to do in return for them?" I told him just to either keep them or toss them and that I wasn't going to "feed his need" in return for some stupid bottlecaps.

That would be more than a little frustrating to deal with. Although good for you for not letting yourself be used like that. I do stand by what I said earlier, if he isn't willing to discuss this and be willing to compromise, then put him in your shoes. I hate making that a solution to something, but sometimes it becomes the only one. Just do exactly what he does to you to him. It's the solution I despise...but given your situation I don't know what else you could do otherwise.

The key to this is getting your point across, because you're being treated unfairly. i do agree with you about not ending a relationship over this, however I don't like people being treated unfairly, even over small things.

So do you believe trying something like that might help?

HOLY CRAP HE ACTUALLY ADMITTED THAT HE TAKES MORE THAN HE GIVES!

I didn't say ANYTHING to him about all this yet... But he's helping a friend with her marital issues and he mentioned to me that he was glad we hadn't had any major falling outs in the last year. We sat there for a while talking about our relationship and he just ups and says, "Though, sometimes I think I take more than I give."

I was honestly STUNNED... here's a guy who never admits his faults...admitting one of his faults! He also mentioned that it was mean of him to hold those bottlecaps over my head like that and said that i can snag them the next time I see him.

It's a step forward...sorta. Will make all of this easier to talk about.

Thanks for all of the support so far, y'all!