I love/admire my therapist and want her to be my mother...

My therapist recently told me to allow myself to acknowledge my feelings and accept them instead of trying to numb them one way or another. It took less than a day of doing this to realise that I'm feeling longing for my therapist in a motherly way. I want her to be my mother.

I am worried about telling her this because I worry she will not want to/not be able to treat me any more. I have realised since finding this out that I have had attachments like this before, so it's nothing entirely personal I suppose. My therapist is wonderful though and she acts (I stress myself out worrying about it all being an act, and that she in fact couldn't care less about me) as though she genuinely and unconditionally cares about me. I have never in my life felt so cared for in a non-smothering way. It feels peaceful and loving. She is so calm and accepting and understanding.

She announced that she will be on holiday for a few weeks and (like before when she has done the same, although I didn't realise what it meant at the time) I am beating myself up over the idea that she just doesn't care about me. I fear she will leave me because I have gained weight and I'm not BMI underweight any more.

I feel telling her this could help my recovery (eating disorder, depression, anxiety) because it seems like something that I need to work on, but I worry it will ruin my recovery by scaring her off. Is it legal for her to treat me if I feel this attachment towards her? I'm 21 years old from the UK and my treatment is on the NHS.

These feelings that you're experiencing are a common part of the therapeutic process, and are known as "transference". Sometimes a person might develop an intense liking or even hatred for their therapist, and the feelings are usually related to events that have occurred earlier in the client's life. Recognising and acknowledging them can actually be helpful, and allow the therapist to work with the issues that caused these feelings to develop in the first place. It is hardly surprising that you feel this way towards your therapist, who may represent to you an idealised image of the way you think a mother "should" be. Acknowledging these feelings would be honest and congruent, and allow your therapist a greater understanding of you as a client.

masquerade wrote:These feelings that you're experiencing are a common part of the therapeutic process, and are known as "transference". Sometimes a person might develop an intense liking or even hatred for their therapist, and the feelings are usually related to events that have occurred earlier in the client's life. Recognising and acknowledging them can actually be helpful, and allow the therapist to work with the issues that caused these feelings to develop in the first place. It is hardly surprising that you feel this way towards your therapist, who may represent to you an idealised image of the way you think a mother "should" be. Acknowledging these feelings would be honest and congruent, and allow your therapist a greater understanding of you as a client.

Thank you, so this is common and telling her this won't make her avoid me? I also worry she will change the way she is towards me too.

Thank you, so this is common and telling her this won't make her avoid me? I also worry she will change the way she is towards me too.

I can't guarantee her reaction, but it's highly likely that as a therapist she will be aware of the possibility of transference, and she may then actually use the transference in her therapeutic approach. She is right in that it is important to be in touch with the way you feel, and the fact that you're aware of it is good. If she is a therapist who uses a Person Centered approach, then she is likely to value and encourage your congruence and honesty. Of course you realise that she is not your mother and never can be, but your feelings about this could actually reveal a great deal about the issues that you're facing at the moment.

Do you think it would help if you could print out and show her this thread?

masquerade wrote:

Thank you, so this is common and telling her this won't make her avoid me? I also worry she will change the way she is towards me too.

I can't guarantee her reaction, but it's highly likely that as a therapist she will be aware of the possibility of transference, and she may then actually use the transference in her therapeutic approach. She is right in that it is important to be in touch with the way you feel, and the fact that you're aware of it is good. If she is a therapist who uses a Person Centered approach, then she is likely to value and encourage your congruence and honesty. Of course you realise that she is not your mother and never can be, but your feelings about this could actually reveal a great deal about the issues that you're facing at the moment.

Do you think it would help if you could print out and show her this thread?

I do understand that she can't be my mother and never will be, but at the same time I don't want her to change her approach. I leave therapy feeling relaxed and calm, and she manages to get into my head in ways that other people can't. It helps because it allows me to open my mind more and I feel I can trust her and trust her advice more than I can other people's. Half of the time, when I think about it, it seems she is just helping me find my own advice that I didn't realise was there. It helps quite a lot though. We're doing schema therapy now, so I don't know if this is common in that type of therapy.

I do think it will help because like I have said I have had these attachments before. I think I do really need to work on them because they can become overwhelming. I have wrote out something similar to this post that I was hoping to let her read because I think I'm too scared to say it to her myself, plus I find it easier to put my thoughts into written words instead of verbal ones.

I do understand that she can't be my mother and never will be, but at the same time I don't want her to change her approach. I leave therapy feeling relaxed and calm, and she manages to get into my head in ways that other people can't. It helps because it allows me to open my mind more and I feel I can trust her and trust her advice more than I can other people's. Half of the time, when I think about it, it seems she is just helping me find my own advice that I didn't realise was there. It helps quite a lot though. We're doing schema therapy now, so I don't know if this is common in that type of therapy.

It sounds as if she is a good therapist, and is doing her job well, especially if you are aware that with her help and empathetic listening, you're finding YOUR OWN solutions and a way forward. This is the aim of therapy. It doesn't sound likely that she will change her approach, as this is her style of working. Being heard and understood in a truly empathetic manner by a therapist is a very powerful and profound experience, possibly unlike any relationship you have had previously, and it is through this empathetic approach that a person can be truly encouraged to find themselves and make discoveries about themselves, which they may always have been subconsciously aware of. This type of empathetic approach from a therapist simply allows the client to bring their subconscious feelings to full awareness, in an environment in which they are unconditionally accepted, probably for the first time in their lives. It is highly likely that she is showing you unconditional acceptance, which is a very powerful experience. In time, as you grow through therapy, it is likely that you will begin to own for yourself the work that YOU have done, and also grow to love yourself unconditonally in an equally powerful manner as you become more autonomous and look within yourself for the love that you are now seeking from your therapist. You know, she is simply walking beside you, and YOU yourself are doing the work. When you come to fully realise this and take this on board emotionally, which may take some time, her job will be done, and these feelings will not hold so much power, and this is the way it should be.

masquerade wrote:

I do understand that she can't be my mother and never will be, but at the same time I don't want her to change her approach. I leave therapy feeling relaxed and calm, and she manages to get into my head in ways that other people can't. It helps because it allows me to open my mind more and I feel I can trust her and trust her advice more than I can other people's. Half of the time, when I think about it, it seems she is just helping me find my own advice that I didn't realise was there. It helps quite a lot though. We're doing schema therapy now, so I don't know if this is common in that type of therapy.

It sounds as if she is a good therapist, and is doing her job well, especially if you are aware that with her help and empathetic listening, you're finding YOUR OWN solutions and a way forward. This is the aim of therapy. It doesn't sound likely that she will change her approach, as this is her style of working. Being heard and understood in a truly empathetic manner by a therapist is a very powerful and profound experience, possibly unlike any relationship you have had previously, and it is through this empathetic approach that a person can be truly encouraged to find themselves and make discoveries about themselves, which they may always have been subconsciously aware of. This type of empathetic approach from a therapist simply allows the client to bring their subconscious feelings to full awareness, in an environment in which they are unconditionally accepted, probably for the first time in their lives. It is highly likely that she is showing you unconditional acceptance, which is a very powerful experience. In time, as you grow through therapy, it is likely that you will begin to own for yourself the work that YOU have done, and also grow to love yourself unconditonally in an equally powerful manner as you become more autonomous and look within yourself for the love that you are now seeking from your therapist. You know, she is simply walking beside you, and YOU yourself are doing the work. When you come to fully realise this and take this on board emotionally, which may take some time, her job will be done, and these feelings will not hold so much power, and this is the way it should be.

Thank you so much, you're really insightful. Just today I noticed a binge trigger that I hadn't ever noticed before, just by allowing myself to acknowledge my feelings instead of trying to numb them. It is definitely working and it seems to be doing so quite fast. I will hopefully show her this post of yours if you don't mind because it summed up quite a few important things, and I want her to know that I'm fully aware of this all.

Of course I don't mind if you show her this thread. You wrote it, and you're also the author of your own life too. Your therapist is helping you to see that.