Not Allowed to Be Friends

Okay, so I have a kind of weird situation going on. And I’m not sure about my…’friendship’ with someone. And this might be a bit long, because I'm verbose, so I apologize. But for those of you who will put up with reading this, thank you!

So, I recently graduated from college, and I'm 21 years old. I worked in the Peer Tutoring Center at my school for the last two years, but I became acquainted with the IT Guy (he's 31, and I'll just refer to him as IT Guy) who worked next door to me, a little over 6 months ago.

We get along pretty well, and have a ton in common, so I've told him that we're pretty much twins. He's done various computer things for me (that he really wasn't supposed to, working for the school and all), and I've tried to be a good friend to him with gifts and whatnot. But I was never really sure whether we were friends or not. Sometimes he'd be receptive to my initiating contact, but then there'd be periods where he barely acknowledged my existence.

I will admit now, that I did have a strong infatuation with him before, but I've grown to look up to him more in a brotherly way, and he reminds me a lot of my dad. But things got weird when I inquired about his Facebook. At first, he claimed he didn’t have one, but then admitted he does and just hides it so that the teachers don’t add him and bother him.

Eventually, I asked to be Facebook friends with him. And he agreed at first, but it never happened. He eventually said it was school policy that he couldn’t be friends with students.

We communicated in person and occasionally through e-mail. And after I graduated, he asked what my personal e-mail was, because he had my school one. But he didn’t want my phone number because his girlfriend (who works next door to him on the other side) wouldn’t be happy about it, so we would just continue e-mailing. I thought it was lame, because most of my friends are guys, but I left it alone.

But he still wouldn’t add me on Facebook, and when I asked about it this time, he said that “she would kill [him].” I thought it was kind of ridiculous, since Facebook is such a whatever thing, and I have lots of friends on it. But once again, I left it alone.

We both like South Park, and my friend and I have tickets to see The Book of Mormon, but my friend wasn’t sure if they could still go. I had asked IT Guy if he would want to come, figuring he would say no. But he said he might be able to. Then my friend officially couldn’t go, but I didn’t ask IT Guy again about it, because I just figured he wouldn’t be allowed to. But I happened to bring it up again today, and he said if he went, it’d have to be a covert operation.

I just feel weird about having to do it in secret. It makes it seem like we’re doing something terribly wrong, but we’re just gonna see an awesome musical, haha. Even the e-mailing and IMing seems so secretive. And his girlfriend could even keep an eye on us on Facebook if she's so concerned. I have nothing to hide. I'd be willing to be friends with her, too, just in general. I think we have stuff in common, and we'd get along.

So, does this kind of behavior seem weird to anyone? I know they’ve been together for 4 or 5 years now, so he must really care for her. And she obviously cares for him to be so concerned about his life with other people, but it just seems to be a bit much. I really like him a lot, and I think we could be really great friends if we were allowed to be.

I have plenty of friends in relationships, even engaged and married, and we’re still able to hang out. And one of my best friends here is male and almost 33, so gender and age difference means nothing to me. And I do understand where IT Guy's girlfriend is coming from. I am also a jealous person, but I just feel like there should be some kind of limit. It seems a little controlling. And it just makes me really sad that we’ll never get to be real friends.

So, is there any real point in trying to be his friend anymore? It doesn't seem like we'll ever be able to hang out and be friends. And I wanna be happy for him, as long as he's happy, but I just can't help but feel bad for his situation. I just know I would never want my significant other telling me who I could and couldn't be friends with.

IT Guy is NOT your friend. He's trying to string you along under his girlfriend's radar because he has bad ulterior motives.

I learned that no man can be just friends with a female that he is physically attracted to -- people act like it's possible, but it's not.

Never, ever agree to have a friendship with someone who is making it known that they are hiding you from the other people in their life -- this is not healthy or normal behavior.

FormerOptimist wrote:IT Guy is NOT your friend. He's trying to string you along under his girlfriend's radar because he has bad ulterior motives.

I learned that no man can be just friends with a female that he is physically attracted to -- people act like it's possible, but it's not.

Never, ever agree to have a friendship with someone who is making it known that they are hiding you from the other people in their life -- this is not healthy or normal behavior.

I somehow got the exact opposite impression. IT guy is nothing but your platonic friend and has no Intent of cheating on his girlfriend to pursue a romantic relationship with you. The behavior doesn't seem weird at all. He's still exercising his friendship with you while not parading you in front of his jealous girlfriend in order avoid further triggering her jealousy. Makes perfect sense, especially if he's not trying to have sex with you. If this guy was pursuing a sexual relationship with you, I think it would be more obvious. He knows she's being overly insecure and is trying to be respectful toward her and her fear of you, but at the same time he knows himself better than she does and that going to see a play with you won't lead to consensual intercourse. At worst you make their lives difficult, and especially hers, by trying to steal him or break them up.

Yeah, I really don't think he had any feelings more than platonic, maybe not even that much, haha. I can't compare to his girlfriend anyway (she has rather large, uh, well, you know, lol).

But I still personally think that their relationship is kind of unhealthy, because no one should have 'control' over another person like that (as in preventing someone from having friends, or making them afraid to have them). I think there are trust issues that they need to work through. Again, I mainly have male friends (many in relationships) and even have male roommates, so it just threw me for a loop that he would be under such strict rules.

Still, I did decide to cease contact with him. Although it makes me pretty sad, because I really did think we could be good friends, having so much in common and getting along so well. I looked up to him like an older brother. So, it just hurt me that he meant more to me than I did to him, and we could never be real friends. But c'est la vie, these things happen.