I don't know how to deal with my mother anymore

Hello everyone.

I have a problem that has been bothering me for a very long time, but I just recently "woke up" and started searching for solutions.

It's about my mother. She has a very difficult personality. In fact, some of it even seems to be not so normal anymore, so I suspect she may have a personality disorder, but I don't know which in particular and how to deal with it. Let me also tell that I have OCD, so it would make sense if she had it too, it could be that she is pure-obsessional because she often keeps obsessing about stuff. Well, I'll just try to describe her for you.

1. First of all, she is very controlling. She seems to want to have control not only over me, but also over her husband, her mother, and even our cat. She wants everything to be her way and expects others to have the same opinion as hers, and if they don't, she feels extremely insulted and starts disliking the person.
2. This one scares me a lot. She may be agressive. Although most of the time she seems sensitive and nice, if she gets into a conflict, things escalate fast and she loses control and starts yelling and may become unpredictible. I can’t stand going to Grandmother’s house because my mother hates her and she yells at her all the time. After the conflict is over, she acts as if nothing had happened and doesn’t even think that she could have hurt other people.
3. She seems to hate people, yet also she’s very dependant. She focuses on the negative aspects of a person and dìsmisses the good points. She talks bad things to me about other family members, says that they are evil, want to „steal“ me from her etc. She hasn’t got any friends. She criticises me, yet she is also very afraid of losing me. She has some heart problems and has a phobia of staying alone for a long time, that’s why I never plan any longer trips with my friends, although I really wish to do something l ike that.
4. She is depressive, she told me that she used to take some medication against depression but now no more. Also, I think she has some alcohol issues, I see her drinking champagne or wine every day.
5. She is also obsessive and paranoid, she tends to obsess about bad things, like burglars coming into the house, and gets paranoid about things that have no evidence at all, like once she saw a friend of mine smoking and immediately assumed that I was smoking too, she kept telling me not to smoke every time I went out.

Finally, the most concerning issue that made me turn around. 2 years ago, I got my first boyfriend. For some reason, my mother didn’t like him immediately, even though she had never met him; I also hadn’t told her anything bad about him, so as you see, these concerns are completely irrational. And things just kept getting worse. She saw his photo, didn’t like his looks (not that he would have tattoos or piercings or anything), and demanded me to end our relationship. When I refused to do that, she found out his phone number, called him and told him to keep away from me. This broke my heart and my trust in my mother. Because I already loved my boyfriend a lot, I told her that we broke up but continued seeing him secretly. Until now, my mother knows nothing about our relationship. However, this creates additional problems because I have to lie to her about where I am going when I am meeting him. Besides we would like to do something together like going on a trip or simply staying together for a longer time, but this would crate many problems. And what about our future? What if we want to get married someday? I won’t be able to hide him forever. I am intensively considering telling her, but I just don’t know how. I am so afraid she might do something unpredictable like stalking him or even trying to get him out of the view the hard way (though I definitely hope that these thoughts come from my OCD, not myself).

I hope you get the picture. Finally, this article I found http://psychcentral.com/lib/2011/unders ... r-2/all/1/ describes her perfectly. What do you think she has? And how should I behave? I really want to become independant from her, but I just don’t know where to start. Besides, I also feel kind of sorry for her, if it’s true and she has a personality disorder then she is a victim, just like me. How can I help her? She will definitely refuse to go to therapy because she is a psychiatrist herself (it’s sort of ironic), and thinks that she knows everything best. I sometimes get the wish to just run far far away, but it’s rather irresponsible plus her heart probably wouldn’t survive the shock.

Well, I hope to get some suggestions from the community.

P.S. I am 20 years old and also Christian, so if there are any other Christians out here, I would also love to hear an opinion of a believer.

Anyone?? I'm running really desperate...

Your mother sounds just like my late father, who continued to try to control me even after I had left home and had two children of my own. I went off the rails a little bit during my teens and twenties in order to rebel against him, but would also put on a front to him that I was a "good" girl, and tried consistently, and unsuccessfully to please him. Fortunately, as he aged, he also mellowed and when he died we had kind of made our peace.

Perhaps it might help if you could try to stop analysing your mother, who may or may not have issues such as a personality disorder. Instead, perhaps it might help to look at ways in which you could take your power back and also to look at your own reactions to her, which you can control. In order for a person to be controlling, they need to have a person to control and looking at your reactions can help you to gain a better perspective and perhaps find ways of acting that would enable you to put appropriate boundaries in place. Learning assertive techniques can help, and therapy can help you to gain a clear perspective of the dynamics of the relationship and in doing so reclaim your power.

masquerade wrote:Perhaps it might help if you could try to stop analysing your mother, who may or may not have issues such as a personality disorder.

I think this is a good advice, I mean even if I find out what's wrong with her, I still won't be able to help her if she doesn't want to be helped.

I am just concerned with the "boyfriend-mother" situation. Do you think I should tell her now and then somehow try to calm the situation down, or try to keep our relationship secret as long as possible? The second solution seems better to me, but it creates problems such as I mentioned, like I will have to keep thinking of stories to tell her where I go and what I'm doing, moreover this situation creates mental pressure to me. If I tell her, I will have a massive stressful situation to cope with, and because of my OCD, I am naturally not very good in dealing with stress.

This seems such a dilemma to me I see happy couples everywhere who can go and do whatever they want, they can invite each other to their homes without being afraid of something. This upsets me so much. I feel like there is no good solution to this situation and it drives me crazy!

Plus I am also worried about another issue. My mother and my grandmother have a really bad relationship. My mom says that her mother was very controlling and ruined her life, and that if it wasn't for her, my mother's life would have developed differently (better than now). This worries me a lot, it made me understand that my mother was indeed also trying to escape the control of her mother but ended up being the controlling person herself. Now these are the main questions I am worried about:
1. How can I live a life without having to say that my mother ruined it for me and I could have had a better life?
2. How can I break the cycle of this complicated mother-daughter relationship and in an attempt to become independent not become a controlling person myself?

Thank you for your replies.

stella55 wrote:She talks bad things to me about other family members, says that they are evil, want to „steal“ me from her

For me this sounds like she is at war with someone (like i see you have pointed out regarding to her problem with her mother).

I think like you wrote that, that problem affects the relationship between not only you but also your other relatives. (Which i think is sad).

stella55 wrote: I really want to become independant from her, but I just don’t know where to start. Besides, I also feel kind of sorry for her, if it’s true and she has a personality disorder then she is a victim, just like me. How can I help her? She will definitely refuse to go to therapy because she is a psychiatrist herself (it’s sort of ironic), and thinks that she knows everything best. I sometimes get the wish to just run far far away, but it’s rather irresponsible plus her heart probably wouldn’t survive the shock.

Ay.. i get the feeling i have to step cautiously ahead here.

With every disease there is an emotional blackmail, seeing as she is your mother its natural that you have contact. It seems like a difficult situation here- damned if i do and damned if i don`t...

Really wish i could make things easier for you but i can`t, i think you just gotta live with it and hope that your relatives sees that its your mother and not you who are in that conflict with them.

It sounds like this is a conflict that has been going on for years, so you getting yourself in between might just make matters worse?

I don`t think there is a clear answer to your question.

stella55 wrote:She criticises me, yet she is also very afraid of losing me

So she is not rejecting you and you get some appreciation.

stella55 wrote:She may be agressive. Although most of the time she seems sensitive and nice,

Not to diminish your perspective on her in any way, sorry if that surprises you..most people have different feelings and never stay happy all the time.
By aggression i take it you mean in her appearance and not actions. You said she can criticise you so i sense(might be wrong here) that she is abusive.

Psychiatrists have VERY difficult jobs, they work with the most difficult people the society can offer, murderers, rape victims, suicide, aggressive people etc etc..

People that work in such environment can`t help to be affected by it.

I would suggest that you try and set some boundaries for yourself by sorting out what you want to do with your life instead of focusing so much on your mothers (of course i think you should care about her when you see her, i don`t mean full on ignoring her but taking more care of your own business).

Maybe you want to study something? Or get a job? If you don`t already have one?
If you still live with your mother then i think you should get your own place.
Some times that can help a relationship because you get some time a part and start to appreciate each other from a different perspective. When you met the time seems more friendly, less pressured and you can do nice things together.

So that`s my best advice.

Best of luck

Halu

stella55 wrote:I have OCD

I know i have already given you a long answer, so i hope you don`t think that i am pushing myself on you by giving you another one.

I was just wondering how you know that you have OCD? Is it a diagnose you have been given and if so by whom?

stella55 wrote:How can I break the cycle of this complicated mother-daughter relationship and in an attempt to become independent not become a controlling person myself?

I get a bit unsure when you later write this..
OCD is something everybody has in smaller or larger scales, its when its extreme that you get diagnosed with it.
A person with OCD can i.e be a person who needs to have it spotless in their flats, if they have as much as a grain of dust then it must be cleaned and then they clean that same place again many times on the same day.

If they touch the door handle once then they have to clean it.

Its compulsive, they think that if they don`t do it they might catch a bug.

Whereas everybody knows how to be normal hygienics OCD goes far beyond.
They go so far it becomes a problem for their families and their social life.

If you have such a problem then i would advice you to go and see a pscyhologist(if you haven`t already?).

If you don`t have it then i wouldn`t worry so much about it- cross that bridge when you get it.

Further more about your mother (i hope you don`t think that i am taking sides here..just trying to get you to see her a little from her perspective so that maybe you can learn how to deal with her?).

You said she was a psychiatrist, from what i know they hand out medicine, work in hospitals, have therapy and diagnose people.

The difference between psychiatrist & psychologists is that its different education. Psychiatrists (at least in my country) have a 6 year education to become doctor first & then they have i think 1 year of extra education to become psychiatrists. So they are both in the field of looking after humans but not the same education.

A psychologist goes more into the mind.

Psychiatrists work with the worst cases, they see a lot of bad things in their job and have to work with both aggressive people and their victims. Its a tough job to be in.

I can`t really blame your mother for changing her behaviour after being in such a job.

Perhaps she has become hard, cynical? Which i think is a bit necessary to be in order to "survive" long-term in such a job.
(By cynical i don`t mean that she is a mean person, but a person who abstract herself from the emotions in the cases she works with in order to be a doctor).
So your mother probably sacrifices a lot for her job.

Perhaps she has been so busy that when it came to taking care of you too, she was too tired and then she gets guilty for not being able to give you that same attention as the one she gives out to her patients, so she gets frustrated and defensive? Maybe?

I would find my own flat (share with a friend, then its cheaper), find something to do in daytime, job/school.

Your mother sounds like a tough cookie, but of course if she`s got heart problems she might need some help, so just tell her to go and see a doctor if you are worried for her.

Most heart problems can be fixed or there is a medication for.

When it comes to your mothers phobia-again is this something you sense or know? Has she told you that?

Since you stay with her i assume she isn`t married, can`t you encourage her to go on a date? Find some friends?

In one way you describe your mother as a strong and independent woman, in another one she is needy and helpless.

Sometimes we expect too much of our parents, we think they have the answer to everything when that might not be true. Your mother could be tired or sick maybe?

I am assuming that you don`t have much contact with your other relatives because of the conflict you mentioned earlier.

So i am assuming this is a close relationship for you both.

So for you, your mother is a symbol of home, security (in your beginning of becoming an adult with all its "shaking").

Can you tell your mother how you want things to be?

I.e maybe when you move out you can have sunday dinners together? And talk sometimes on the phone during the week?

That way you still have some contact even if you have gone and started your own life.

But like i said i am not going to be a fuzz, so i will leave it up to you to try and find things out.

Sounds like you need a breather- but tell your mother when you move that she can call you if she needs you. She will probably appreciate that (seeing that she is ill, but i wouldn`t worry TOO much about it if she sees the doctor and gets medication for it she should hopefully be stable).

Maybe she can find a hobby when you move out? Sounds like your mother needs a little bit of help and that you are the only one who can give it to her.

You could go to a library and get some brochures about courses/hobbies what people in her age can do, and just lay it on her kitchen table where you know she will see it.

Even if that annoys her, she might get the point that she is cramming you and that she needs to live a little herself.

Seeing as you said she is afraid of burglars and being alone, a little dog might be a good thing for her to get? It will protect her and keep her with company-and give her some exercise too

Or a cat, they can be nice and cuddly and don`t require much?

Sorry to hear about your situation.

You might check out the book "Toxic Parents." It helped me a lot.

You need to put yourself first.

-t.