Help Please

So, I've been thinking a lot about my ex girlfriend. She was a relationship of 4 years and ever since she and I have been apart I've been analyzing the relationship so that I might learn what went wrong and what I can do to better myself as a person. In this relationship I've done two things that I fully believe were wrong.

1) I heavily implied she was "ugly" by the north American standard of beauty. I did this by making fun of some "pre-mature" age lines. She was only 22 at the time but she had these lines on her forehead and mouth that made her look way older. I called attention to this in some not so subtle ways. Never in public or anything but, alone, I would make comments. Like, "Don't scrunch up your forehead like that. It will make you look older". What a sick comment to make and what a pig I am for making it. I'm sick that I made comments like this. No one should ever have to conform to some pre-conceived standards and by making these comments I suggest that she had to and I hate myself for it. Of course, the only reason I might make such comments is because I am sick in some way. Either I have a problem with my apparent age or its something equally silly. but that's still no reason for me to take it out on her.

2) I lied to her about being clean when I was actually still using drugs. Nothing extreme mind you, just weed, but still, she asked if I was clean. I said yes, and the fact is I wasn't and I kept up this lie for two years. It's not like she didn't know the whole time though. She was in love with me and although she knew, she said nothing about it. How do I know she knew? Well, she knew what weed smelled like and I must of smelled like it at least some of the time cause I smoked it. I spent these whole two years justifying why she was wrong for disliking weed and why I was right to smoke it when, in actuality, I should have just broken up with her if drugs were something I wanted.

I realize that these two things I've done are inexcusable. I realize that these two things are a completely screwed up thing to do to someone else. That's not to say, however, that she is without blame. There were things she did to me that were equally screwed up. The point, however, is that regardless of what she did I should never have done those two things to her. The fact is, however, that I did them and now I don't know what to do about it. I have not contacted her in about two months and my first instinct upon this realization was to email her and apologize but I need advice. I think shes moved on from me by now. I think that shes probably come up with her own reasons by now as to what went wrong. The fact remains, however, that I did not respect her enough during the relationship to the point where it ended. The only question is whether apologizing for it now would be more or less damaging than what we faced prior.

Any advice at all would be appreciated. Thanks.

Yeah, definitely stop using drugs and portraying yourself look like a shallow person.

Personally, I might apologize without getting into explicit details about what I'm apologizing for because there's no reason to bring that stuff up. She knows what you're apologizing for so it doesn't need to be stated. There's no reason to remind her of all the reasons not to get back together with you, especially if you plan to rectify those. Then I'd flatter her with some of the things that I like about her and wrap it up by stating that I want to get back together with her and emphasizing my commitment to make it work this time. Most women want to feel wanted so if communicate to her that you want her, that increases the odds that she'll get back together with you.

In all honesty though, if a girl breaks up with you once she'll probably do it again. I don't know that's it worth it to get back with an ex.

I never in my original post said that I wanted to get back together with her. An apology would be mostly for the sake of decency (for lack of a better term). But, what you've said about "feeling wanted" has helped me in this decision. I don't think I will apologize.

Mostly because an apology would mostly be for me, not to mention I already know she feels wanted. When I said she's moved on, I meant she has another boyfriend. So she feels wanted by someone at least. At this point apologizing would probably just come across as crazy. Especially close to a year later. I'm a little disappointed she managed to move on so soon, but that's pretty selfish. Knowing who she is and what her needs are, such an outcome is not unexpected. It hurts little bit still, but the pain is slipping away at faster and faster rates so, all and all, I can't really complain.