At war with inner thoughts/desires

Before I start explaining things I'd thought I would give a little background info.

I have been in multiple relationships in the past couple of years (the longest lasting two months). All relationships were broken up by me (due in large part also of my fear of losing people I like, due to being ignored by friends for the greater part of my childhood, that I push people away before they can push me away). These relationships have been with men and women, I am sexually a female. The relationships with women lasted longer, but now I am finding myself more attracted to men. None of the relationships resulted in sexual interaction other than kissing.

It seems like at one point I love being in a relationship and at the next moment I can't stand the thought of it. I have identified as straight, lesbian, bisexual, pansexual, asexual panromantic, and asexual aromantic. It has been a roller coaster the past couple of years and I keep finding myself at war with do I enter into relationships again or stay away? When I enter into a relationship it is because I think there is potential for that partner to be a spouse, if I don't feel attraction to them then I don't enter into a relationship. Yet, during my relationships I will go from liking them immensely to not being able to stand them, and I break it off.

It seems fitting to describe the root of these feelings. Wanting a relationship due to wanting to spend life with someone and share a life with another person, and to have a deeper connection with them. Not wanting a relationship due to the feeling I have that all individuality and "freedom" will be lost. That wanting to be my introverted self, and do what I want 24/7 will no longer be attainable.

However, is this feeling of being trapped from being in a relationship wrong? Or is it that being alone is really how I am trapping myself?

TheUniverseInside wrote:However, is this feeling of being trapped from being in a relationship wrong? Or is it that being alone is really how I am trapping myself?

Personally, I think both can become traps.
Relationships require compromise but not acquiescence. They should not cause you to lose all your freedom and individuality. Maybe you were in a bad relationship where this was the case?

May be it'd help if you give yourself a break from all relationships for some time? When we are trapped in familiar relational patterns, it helps sometimes to remove ourselves completely from playing the same game over and over again. Try to distance yourself from all that and don't get involved with anyone for a while. It will give you a chance to sort things out and to better understand yourself, what you want and what you need. Let answers come to you rather than search for them. I am not suggesting that you become a hermit. You can still socialize with people. Just keep it light, don't make it personal with anyone, just for some time until you find some balance and are able to see things from a more grounded perspective as opposed to making emotional swings between two opposites such as wanting to merge with someone and wanting to separate. After spending some time alone, you might move closer to the center and shift your perspective. You might start feeling that loosing someone is not necessarily the end of the world and, even though it's painful, there is life after that You also might no longer need to merge while still wanting to be close.