Should I leave him?

So I dated my now husband for 3 years, and now we have been married for 1 year. He has never really been fully invested in the marriage and starting the family. Never really had much requirements or wishes except that I work. I have stuck in there hoping things would improve. I was ready from day 1 to start a family. He told me after marriage. After marriage, he told me in a year. Now it has been a year and he committed but yesterday when we were shopping for night ware, i tell him i would look fat in that oufit, how bout this. he goes into tantrum saying i'm not 'fit' for pregnancy and i should work out, he's tired of always doing things for me, trying to make me happy, saying sorry, etc. I left him and now wondering whether I should take him back. He told me later that he didn't mean what he said. But in other fight, he has questioned why i took him back then. I don't feel like he's fit to be in a marriage with me and take upon responsibility. Thoughts?

Hi onevoice,
I'm sorry you are having marital problems. I don't really know enough about your relationship to give you a good opinion, this sounds like it's pretty resolvable, but I am making this judgement based on the very limited information. My best advice would be to give it another try, but wait before making babies! A baby will NOT save your marriage! Wait, wait and wait until you are SURE you want to be together. Hope it works out for you. <3

I think, it'd be best for you and your husband to get some marital counseling. I can't give advice based on such little information and, in general, I am reluctant to judge relationships when I know very little about them. I really think that seeing a therapist/counselor would be the best thing to do.

WM

A baby will NOT save your marriage!

True. But NO BABY will END the marriage.

We are committed and have arguments and stress here and there but the main thing is why should I wait, and wait, and wait? Why should be waste my childbearing years. I can dump him and go for someone else who is more mature, responsible, and ready for kids, right? This is such a big deal to me, and I don't know how else to get it to go my way without this kind of heart aching threat.

I think WiseMonkey made a great suggestion, marriage counseling is a fantastic idea. However that would take time, and since you seem to want your baby ASAP, I would highly recommend NOT having it in an already troubled marriage. If you are not satisfied with him as a husband, and you don't think he's ready to be a father, then definitely move along and find someone else. Good luck!

I also have a difficult time with getting him committed. This is what my therapist said - tell him you want to be a mother and decide if you want him to be the father of your children.

No, but he should leave you.

If all you want is children as quickly as possible, you'd probably be better advised to stay in the marriage.

You gave us your side of the story only, however you inadvertedly hinted that his side may sound somewhat different:

onevoice wrote: he goes into tantrum saying i'm not 'fit' for pregnancy and i should work out, he's tired of always doing things for me, trying to make me happy, saying sorry, etc. I left him and now wondering whether I should take him back. He told me later that he didn't mean what he said. But in other fight, he has questioned why i took him back then. I don't feel like he's fit to be in a marriage with me and take upon responsibility. Thoughts?

Is there any truth in that, from an objective viewpoint?
ie:
- are you really unfit / fat?
- does he have to do things for you?
- does he have to try to make you happy?
- do you demand him saying sorry?
- do you initiate arguments?
- do you place irrational demands on him? (Like making him to obey "house-rules" etc., such as this thread: relationship/topic104817.html#p1023588 )

If the answer is 'yes' to some of the above questions, then it sounds like you have an immature, controlling and needy personality and you're not really fit for being a spouse, let alone for parenthood. In that case he deserves better.
I agree with all those who said wait with the pregnancy, it would be irresponsible to bring a child into it.

wooster wrote:You gave us your side of the story only, however you inadvertedly hinted that his side may sound somewhat different:

onevoice wrote: he goes into tantrum saying i'm not 'fit' for pregnancy and i should work out, he's tired of always doing things for me, trying to make me happy, saying sorry, etc. I left him and now wondering whether I should take him back. He told me later that he didn't mean what he said. But in other fight, he has questioned why i took him back then. I don't feel like he's fit to be in a marriage with me and take upon responsibility. Thoughts?

Is there any truth in that, from an objective viewpoint?
ie:
- are you really unfit / fat?
- does he have to do things for you?
- does he have to try to make you happy?
- do you demand him saying sorry?
- do you initiate arguments?
- do you place irrational demands on him? (Like making him to obey "house-rules" etc., such as this thread: relationship/topic104817.html#p1023588 )

If the answer is 'yes' to some of the above questions, then it sounds like you have an immature, controlling and needy personality and you're not really fit for being a spouse, let alone for parenthood. In that case he deserves better.
I agree with all those who said wait with the pregnancy, it would be irresponsible to bring a child into it.

Right, that's why I said he should leave her. It sounds to me as though she's placing irrational demands on him. I mean, jeez, you've only just gotten married and you've promised to be with each other for the rest of your lives. Enjoy your marriage without children for a few years and see if the marriage and family is something you ultimately both want in the end. You've both got plenty of time, why rush? The OP also seems quite young, still in her twenties I would guess.

Is there any truth in that, from an objective viewpoint?
ie:
- are you really unfit / fat?
- does he have to do things for you?
- does he have to try to make you happy?
- do you demand him saying sorry?
- do you initiate arguments?
- do you place irrational demands on him? (Like making him to obey "house-rules" etc., such as this thread: relationship/topic104817.html#p1023588 )

- no. i am lucky to have a nice, symmetrical body. I am 5'6 and 145 pounds. I was 130 when I met him and put on a few pounds and gotten a bit of a belly fat but nothing major worth complaining about.
- yes. if you count him having to eat the food i cook. or working and coming home at a decent time.
- he needs to try and not make me unhappy. like not spending time on the phone too much when he is with me.
- i told him once when he asked what can he do that he can say sorry and that be the end instead of arguing and arguing.
- sometimes
- demands? they are mostly common sense things/decent things/small adjustments and compromises to make when you are adjusting living with another person. everyone has them. and when you have kids its called discipline.

I thought about his side of the story and here it is:
He wants to make sure I love him and we get along before we have kids. Kids are a lot of money and he'd rather spend that money on himself. If we have kids, I might love them more than him.
He wants me to be ok and loving with his dog. He wants me to make him coffee and get him water. and keep house clean and no matter what he does support him. he want me to love him even if he comes late or doesn't eat the food i cook.
Ok so lets think logically. I will forget having kids and focus on 'us'. Wealth, work, famiy, habits is part of you. SO if he just wants the two of us to be happy, then he should be spending time with me during evening, eating with me, eating what i cook, sleeping with me not his dog in another room, sharing his work issues with me not someone else, working out with me, etc. right? I ask him the same question - if you complain about being with me soo much why don't you just break up with me? He said bc i like you. And know he has high sugar/diabetes, and i'd hate to say it but its kinda like i told you so. I haven't cooked for him this year unless he told me to and well, lets face it home cooked meals by me are a lot healthier than anything you can buy outside which is a business and thus will be unhealthier. I will stick with him since he say he's locked in and i'm not and i thought about it and break up would set me more back in time than continuing on. and i guess putting up with fight/argument/stress is still better than stress cause by breakup. but you know what i am still confused with his priorities, objectives, plans. what is love? no matter what person does, where he is, how upset you expects me to love? and really he just wants these little magic words like 'i miss you' and 'love you' and buy him expensive things - well that is artificial to me like someone else said gifts to mend relationship is artificial. everyone has certain expectations that they consider to be good marriage. and these expecations conflict (we both have different expectations) and then the marriage is not good. when he says he doesn't want to spend money on kids, and i see him going on these extravagant shows, traveling the world, buying sports car, etc well that just puts me down. sure i can be happy and support him like he expects if i was a distant friend of his - if i treat him like that i could care less what he does personally and just be artificially nice and friendly and have fun bc it really doesn't matter to me about his long term health or his committment to family, work, etc. but as i have invested into the relationship i have cerain things that i know should happen for marriage to work. funny - if i treat him like distant friend in my mind that will mean i love him to him. but i am not ready to fake anything or play games. ex. he has diabetes and cholesterol and is now on meds. if he's not eating healthy and dies on me at 40 well that affects me. so how do i watch him overeat junk food and when i tell him nicely to eat healthy he say 'let me enjoy life' and he want me to be like 'i still love you'? the fact is If he doesn't do certain things well it is difficult to love him. and i guess i am afraid a bit to love him bc then i might get hurt or get too obsessed with him. he know he want me to be away at my moms or else he will go away with newborn crying and all and well if i love him then i would want to be with him. same with his being out of town for a week/2months. there is basically no logic in this relationship and we have different things which we think make a good marriage. he thinks being away and i should miss him would be good. i think being happy and spending time together when we are together is good. seems like he's still in 'friend zone' and we married bc last week i also found out he watching porn and well that kind of thing should be unnecessary and eliminated in marriage - no wonder i feel unsatified lately in sexual aspect too when he make excuse like he too tired to do it. bull $#%^.