Girlfriend with "intimacy issues" and I broke up... what?

I was wondering if I could get some insight into what could be going on psychologically here. My girlfriend of 5 months and I just broke up due to intimacy issues that she could not overcome that was basically causing our relationship to cease.

I was really good friends with a girl all throughout high school; in fact we had known each other since we were 3. We went to separate universities so lost contact but our Junior year we reconnected. I had really liked her as "more than a friend" in high school and wanted to try a relationship but I didn't think she felt the same way so I never brought it up.

One day at the end of our Junior year she started the conversation about our relationship by asking "How would you classify our relationship?" From there I thought that meant she was interested in me as more than a friend so I began to pursue dating her. We lived in the same city over the summer so we saw each other all the time.

The thing is, as we started to become closer she began to open up to me about her emotional issues. Apparently her dad was very abusive and died when she was 13. She said this has caused anxiety issues, trust issues, and has caused an irrational fear of her becoming close to people she doesn't want to lose. She also said that she was normally "addicted to dating assholes" and couldn't help it, and that she felt really awkward like when I would put my arm around her and stuff but she still wanted me.

I really liked her so I ignored these warnings and still wanted to date. We made it official but then had to go to our separate colleges once school started back up.

As we just started dating she told me "I want you to know how hard this is going to be for me, and we need to take it slow." I guess I didn't fully understand that. It was definitely very slow and because she told me that I was okay and didn't question it. Like it took us a long time before we kissed, and throughout the entire relationship we never did anything more than kiss.

But as the months went on she never seemed to carry her weight in the relationship; I was always visiting her, calling her etc. It got to be really bad this week so I confronted her.

Basically I had to pry it out of her to come out and admit "I'm not into you". The thing is, she started bawling and kept saying "I want to want you" and "I'm really trying but my psychologist says I have this fear of becoming close to people I like"... I obviously didn't know what that meant when we started "dating".

She also admitted that this whole time she didn't see me as more than a friend, but that she was really trying to let herself want me. She said that when we started dating she was hoping that by now the fear would have been manageable. But when I asked her she told me she had no sexual desire for me. And she kept crying and saying "I want to want you".

She said that she would not be able to date someone she already knew beforehand. I asked her about previous relationships and she said that her high school relationship worked out at first because they had not known each other, but after two years basically the same thing happened that happened between us. And the college relationship she had was apparently emotionally abusive and that's "why she stayed" (she has described herself as an emotional masochist), and she ended up getting broken up with because the guy "just wanted to ###$ dumb bitches, but she wasn't a dumb bitch". Our relationship was anything but abusive though (or rather I was not emotionally abusive, but she neglected me and seemed to stop caring) so did we ever have a chance of working out?

So I'm just really confused... why was she the one to basically start us into talks about entering a relationship when she was never into me? And could someone explain this fear of intimacy thing? Would it really cause her to have no sexual desire for me despite the fact that she "wants to want me", or is it simply that she's just not attracted to me? I asked her and she said that if I had not known her beforehand it probably would have worked out differently. Is this just a "friendzone" thing that she's trying to dance around? And finally, if I were emotionally abusive, how would things likely have been different (not that I would ever be emotionally abusive in any way because I loved her, but I'm just wondering from a psychological point of view).

Thank you very much.

I'm sorry to hear of your situation, that really is a terrible place for both of you to be in. I've been in a similar situation, and have a similar background to her. Honestly, I imagine she is fighting every part of her mind to be close to you, but having trust and abandonment issues are huge, but with a lot of work and a lot of patience and time, she can work through it.

I don't know whether this is the case for her, but I know for myself, if I'm feeling really uncomfortable or upset, and someone is wanting emotional expression from me, then I shut down and tell them I'm not interested, I don't like them (Although honestly, I can be a bit harsher than that ). It's never my intention to hurt anyone, instead I feel like I'm helping them by showing them how much of a monster I am, saving them the pain that will happen if they become attached. Becoming close to people you like for someone with trust issues is excruciating. The fear is that you become close and then they leave. I know you say that wouldn't happen, but in her mind it's still a huge likelihood.

Did you ever have a chance of working out? No one can answer that except you and her. The fact that you cared for her that deeply, and that she was actively trying to work on her issues, it seems like there was something you both wanted, it's just she was too scared to show it. I do hope this brings some clarity.

Best wishes

Thanks for the reply.

I guess I'm just having trouble wrapping my head around that she never had any sexual desire for me and never got any pleasure from when we kissed; since I didn't fully understand her when she warned me at the beginning of the relationship I guess I feel "led on" and betrayed in a way. I asked her if I was just unattractive physically or something and she said it wasn't that because her emotionally abusive boyfriend who she "liked" was much less physically attractive. But (as she told me) I am also intelligent, funny, have a lot of varied interests and passions, and am caring and whatever so between that and how she sees me as more physically attractive (or at least less physically unattractive...) than her ex, it's just hard for me to understand how she couldn't see me in "that way".

She was the only person who I've dated who I've known beforehand so I don't have another experience to compare it with, but are all girls like this in that it is really impossible for them have a sexual desire for someone who they knew beforehand? I mean I guess I'm just having trouble comprehending the whole "I want to want you" thing.

And now that we're broken up and in different cities, even if we somehow end up in the same city due to careers is it possible for her to try again? Or now that it's over, will she never likely entertain the thought of trying again? Or is there a chance that over time she'll look back and start to "miss me" and maybe see things differently? I'm just still super confused by all this. Thanks for the helpful reply though.

Also I realize that it is unlikely that we get back together and I'm not investing in that thought or getting my hopes up or anything, but how should I treat this situation such that the chance of a future relationship is not ruined if we do end up in the same city? Should I cut off all contact whatsoever until a situation like that would arise?

What if she tries to continue to be friends with me? I feel like at some point she's going to contact me with the hopes of continuing a friendship and if I don't respond she will be hurt, but I made it clear that I want to be more than friends (and I guess she tried to be more than friends by entering in a "relationship" with me). Although we were friends for a long time before entering in this relationship, so if she really "wanted to want me" and was willing to try despite the distance, I feel like she will still "want to want me" in the future and would be willing to try again if there was no distance.

Blah. I'm still trying to sort all this out. The close friends that I've told about this (one of which is a girl) are all confused too, I guess because none of them have experience with these kinds of issues, so it's really hard for me to get any perspective on all this.