Anxiety Despite Knowledge

The Facts: I was with a girl for four years. We called it quits eight months ago. It was a long distance relationship for half of the time. Technically I was the one who dumped her. She was the love of a lifetime. Marriage and children were talked about.

How I Actually Feel: I was "with" a girl for four years if you can define "with" as two people generally doing what they want with the only stipulation being that we did not sleep with other people. It was a long distance relationship for half the time, although it may as well have been a long distance relationship the whole time when one considers that I can't even remember the last bit of intimacy the relationship had outside of the physical. I'm not even kidding either: I can't actually remember a single time where I felt emotionally intimate with her. The love had to come from somewhere, because I do remember saying that I loved her, but why I would utter those words I have no idea anymore. Yes, I was the one who dumped her, but I suspect that by the time the dumping came around she was just as through with me only she was too spineless to admit it. Marriage and Children were talked about. By her. My side of the conversation always felt like it hit deaf ears.

The Situation: I was stupid enough to stay with a girl who I did not love for four years. I don't know why I did it but I should probably figure out why or else I'm going to be in for a pretty bad life. Talking to her now is pretty much out of the question and I need to figure it out on my own.

Any help would be appreciated.

If a person stays with a person who doesn't love them, maybe that means on some level they need to be with a person who doesn't love them.

It might have been easier or safer to stick with status quo rather than try to enact change or perhaps you were holding on to your relationship with her on the off-chance that something would change in the future.

Life brings us possibilities, some are good and some are bad.. some are neither. It's our job to define the nature of these possibilities.
You ask yourself now why did you stay 4 years with someone you did not love. I would like to ask you a question at this point, how much time would be logical? staying a week with someone you don't care for? a month? a year?

If I understand correctly you perceive this time to be excessive (correct me if I am wrong). If that is the case i'll tell you this, sometimes we do things because we are comfortable, sometimes because it's better than the alternatives, sometimes there are no other possibilities, sometimes we are just afraid to move on, to be alone or maybe just the fact feeling needed... None of these reasons is bounded by time.

On thing is for sure, you were getting something that you liked/needed from this situation. not knowing you, nor the situation it's hard for me to guess what were you getting, that is something only you would know...

Hey guys, thanks for your responses.

I've done some thinking about this and here's what I've come up with:

It's true, I must have been getting something from the relationship. What that was I'm not sure, but if it was not love it must have been something I needed and now that I'm not in the relationship anymore all that it might be indicative of is that I no longer need what I was getting. A good thing? I think so.

I've thought about my desire to stick with what I know and I've thought about the concept of "need" when it comes to relationships and interacting and all and all it seems unfair to judge a relationship on standards of love and love only. I know I got something from that relationship and it was something I needed. It may not have been the love I needed, but it was something.

I stayed with her after it was sour for a reason. In a perfect world I would find out what that reason was and I would tell her. This rift between us would disappear and we would be friends again. In actuality, I'll find out what that reason is and have to keep it to myself because she no longer cares for me and any attempt to get close will be misconstrued by one of us as an attack and the cycle will begin again.

But, on the plus side, I'm looking at this as an opportunity to finally have the clarity to straighten some stuff out in my life so, thanks for all the answers and happy new year.