I am tired of hurting. . .

I am exhausted from all this pain. I have been in a relationship for over 11 years. I met him in college and we have been married for 6 years. On my wedding day, I felt I was making a mistake, but it was the virtuous thing to do. It [the wedding] was what God wanted me to do. I love this man VERY much. I would sacrifice my own happiness and values for him. I would not say I am abused, but there have been times where I have experienced his anger. He has punched walls, thrown food in my face when I would annoy him, put his hands around my neck (but he didn't squeeze hard), etc. But I know, I can be very annoying and nagging. When I was attending college, I did tell someone about him putting his hands around my neck. The individual I confided in discussed the event everyone I knew and I became a liar. In retrospect, I still feel abandoned by those who I though were my friends. However, I rationalize that maybe I want to be a victim. That is what my husband says, "You just like being a victim." Never again have I discussed these events with "friends." I have confided some things in my mother, but not every thing, because it just upsets her. I don't know what I would do without her.

For the past year or two, it hasn't been that bad. But this past week, I was ignored and it hurt me to the core. I went to the gym with him and I was running on the treadmill next to him. I waved to get his attention, remember he is right beside me, and he completely ignored me. I kept waving and others in the gym were looking at me like I was a crazy stalker of this man. He continued to ignore me. Why does he do this to me? I confronted him about it and told him that he was a #%&*. It hurt me badly.

I don't know what to do. Professionally, I have been successful. I am an educated woman. I watch my weight and exercise. I have a full-time job, do yardwork, clean my house, keep my car running, handle all the finances, etc. I don't know what to do, but my life is overwhelming and I am tired of all the responsibility. I don't feel loved at all.

Is it possible that all this is me and maybe I am just depressed?

I think you husband is selfish, and a bully. He walks all over you because he can. I doubt he really loves you (or himself). The only time he probably does anything is when you threaten him with something he doesn't want more.

I think you have some structures of logic such as concepts like god, doing the right thing, doing your duty, etc. that keep you from really getting in touch with what you want. These are things learned from parents and earlier times. They may or may not reflect your inner values.

For an answer to your question I would become very close with your inner wants and desires and see where that puts you, your marriage and other things.

Life is too short IMO to live it for someone or something else, unless they line up with who you are - or close enough not to cause a lot of pain.

I wish you well, you really sound like a fine caring person that wants to do the right thing.

Good luck,
Walt

masochist wrote:I am exhausted from all this pain. I have been in a relationship for over 11 years. I met him in college and we have been married for 6 years. On my wedding day, I felt I was making a mistake, but it was the virtuous thing to do. It [the wedding] was what God wanted me to do. I love this man VERY much. I would sacrifice my own happiness and values for him. I would not say I am abused, but there have been times where I have experienced his anger. He has punched walls, thrown food in my face when I would annoy him, put his hands around my neck (but he didn't squeeze hard), etc. But I know, I can be very annoying and nagging. When I was attending college, I did tell someone about him putting his hands around my neck. The individual I confided in discussed the event everyone I knew and I became a liar. In retrospect, I still feel abandoned by those who I though were my friends. However, I rationalize that maybe I want to be a victim. That is what my husband says, "You just like being a victim." Never again have I discussed these events with "friends." I have confided some things in my mother, but not every thing, because it just upsets her. I don't know what I would do without her.

For the past year or two, it hasn't been that bad. But this past week, I was ignored and it hurt me to the core. I went to the gym with him and I was running on the treadmill next to him. I waved to get his attention, remember he is right beside me, and he completely ignored me. I kept waving and others in the gym were looking at me like I was a crazy stalker of this man. He continued to ignore me. Why does he do this to me? I confronted him about it and told him that he was a #%&*. It hurt me badly.

I don't know what to do. Professionally, I have been successful. I am an educated woman. I watch my weight and exercise. I have a full-time job, do yardwork, clean my house, keep my car running, handle all the finances, etc. I don't know what to do, but my life is overwhelming and I am tired of all the responsibility. I don't feel loved at all.

Is it possible that all this is me and maybe I am just depressed?

OK you might not be able to say you're being abused.

I can!

YOU ARE BEING ABUSED!!!!

Nagging is absolutley no excuse for him putting his hands on you or throwing food at you.

You have not driven this man into treating you this way.
You have done nothing wrong!

I've wrote this on this forum so many times I almost have it memorized. You need to contact an abused womens center. They will help you to find the strength and services you need to help yourself.
The cold hard truth is 80% of abusers who seek help for their problems FAIL and return to their abusive ways.

1-800-799-SAFE this is a national number to give you a local number for your area.
CALL IT!

Depression is a side effect of the abuse. Most abused women suffer a multitude of anxiety disorders as well.
I'm one of them.
Your education and socio-economic standing don't mean squat.
My IQ was tested at 135
What does that mean?
Abuse knows no boundries. No one is immune.
BUT there is help.

Here's a few books for you to read.
The first one by Bancroft is the best.

Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
By Lundy Bancroft

When Love Goes Wrong: What to do When You Can't Do anything Right
by Ann Jones and Susan Schechter

It's My Life Now: Starting Over After an Abusive Relationship or Domestic Violence
by Meg Kennedy Dugen and Roger Hock

Hi Masochist,
I can feel your pain, for I'm in a 30 year relationship/marriage and I feel the same way that you do about being ignored. I hurt so bad bacause there's no sexual contact of any kind present in this relationship. I don't know if we think so little of ourselves as women, that we just permit men to use us for their own ego. I am so sorry for you and myself, because we both are women of worth and shouldn't allow ourselves to be treated this way. I have never felt like this man loved me or cared about me, eventho he says he does. I look at the way I'm not treated and that's makes me wonder about the love. I've tried to look at myself to see, what I am doing to cause him not to have sexual interest in me. Well he's 79 years of age now, but when he was younger there was no sexual contact. There's never any attention or affection from him. It's as if he's telling me, if there's nothing in it for me, then your needs are not important to me. I understand your pain. I too am hurting in my marriage, and I don't think this is love at all. I stay, because I'm afraid of getting into a new relationship. I am just to scared to make a move in that direction. poetic63