I feel worthless

For the last little while I've found that I'm feeling more depressed than I usually am. Because of that my grades in university have been in decline and even though on my better days I haven't been all that social, I completely cut myself off. I can't get out because I live in the middle of nowhere and my family now has run into a bit of financial trouble so I can't go out as much as I've wanted to.

On top of all this, I feel like I have been shelved by a friend of mine. We were getting fairly close, and one day after having a a panic attack in front of her she decided that she didn't want to talk to me at all. I finally caved in and asked her why she hadn't even wanted to send me a simple facebook message or anything, because obviously I must have scared her away. She tells me “no you haven't scared me away I've just been busy. I'm seeing someone and I've started my practicum”.

It's been a while since I got this message and I don't really know what to say at this point. This is the first communication we've had in months and I feel terrible about it, not just because I went ahead and outright asked her what was going on, but because we were getting fairly close and my panic attack happened. I feel like this always happens with me. If somehow I manage to leave a good first impression with people, or for some reason actually think that I am attractive, and they take interest in me, right as soon as they find out that I'm sad a lot of the time and insecure they all of a sudden want nothing to do with me. I'm angry at myself for always screwing everything up and not being able to get the things that I need, and not being the sort of person who can give them what they need.

I don't really have anyone right now I can talk to these sorts of things about any more, because the only person I did have doesn't seem to want to talk to me a whole lot at this point...

As a person I feel completely worthless and unlovable, I already felt unnatractive before this. As a man I currently feel like a total failure, I can't work retail or in a warehouse in the physical condition I'm in right now and because of the financial situation my family is in they can't afford to put me through school more than two classes every semester. Even with a degree though I would be making 20k or less a year because you can't do anything with an english degree these days. I can't provide for anyone with that, hell you can barely make ends meet on that. No one wants a guy like that, it doesn't matter what else I have to offer does it?

English degrees have never been much good for anything except following your heart. And THAT is important. So stick with it. There isn't an obvious job description at the end like with a Computer Science degree but the analytical process, pulling together an argument, research and other skills you're learning are valuable in themselves. And open the doors to less defined careers that are not necessarily badly paid. Money's only important to cover the basics. I don't think you'd be happy with a woman who was only interested in you because you were paid like an investment banker. The other things you can offer, what kind of man you are, are what matter in the long term. Good character is important. Reliability, honesty. Old fashioned but still at the heart of the matter.

Are you with a therapist or psych to work on the depression and insecurity?

I haven't seen my psychologist in a while, at least two months maybe more. I have been in contact with my psychiatrist though, he upped my medication and said that I need to keep down the same route that I've been going on, going to school and then doing social things. But the problem is that with the situation at my house being like it is I don't know if I will be able to stay for very much longer.

My Dad woke up and got really angry that I have not received my disability check yet, my case got closed because I couldn't get any of my doctors to fill out the forms. He flipped out yelled at everyone in our house and then defended himself by saying that he had every right to do it because even Jesus got angry too at some point in the Bible.

Even if I do continue to go to school, and doing more social things, I'm still living at home and I still don't know much about where I'm supposed to take my life. That's the other thing that turns people away as soon as they find out, is my living situation and the fact that even if I did go out and have a social life or continued to go to school they find out I still depend on my parents for so much.

I don't even think my psychologist has ever really suggested anything that my psychiatrist hasn't already suggested, which is to keep going on like I have.

Well, the friend who shelved me recently, just realized she does not care for me at all. In fact I wouldn't be too surprised if she's going out and telling people about how much of a freak I am just like she did with other people that she told me about.

Seems to be a never ending cycle for me. I get up the nerves to go somewhere new and trying to socialize, and maybe find someone. Then they find out who I am, the fact that I can't really work, am a nervous wreck, and am probably not getting anywhere with a career. Once that happens I just get deserted.

I just don't see how I could possibly what anyone needs or wants. I have to say I really hate this.

What are your criteria for a partner? I only ask because I've seen many people in this forum looking for romance. And they have always seemed more interested in who a person is rather than what. "Nervous wreck" can mean "careful and homeloving." "Can't really work" can mean "always around to chat." I'm not going to put an alternative on the career because I think in the long term that will solve itself in a way that you're happy with. [You don't seem like you'd be happy in a retail or warehouse job.]

So, just a "sanity check" on your criteria. You don't have to answer if it's not a comfortable topic. But perhaps something to consider.

Lostman... hello.

Good on ya for writing stuff down; it can be challenging.

I see in your post more of a need to have a relationship with yourself and your life FIRST then worry about having any sort of lover.

It's quite ridiculous that all the sudden, especially in America, there is a huge rise in the number of people taking anti-depressants. Most of what causes mental illness is related to, first of all, nutrition. Our food simply doesn't have the essential nutrients it used to, due to lackadaisical/careless agricultural legislation. We aren't as connected to our neighborhoods/we experience lack of community quite easily. And, then, many people are expected to work a little harder every year, working two/three/or four part time, low paying jobs. The stress is rising. The wages are stagnant.

Gee... I wonder why so many are depressed? I wonder why so many people have a lack of serotonin in their brains... Then, pumping people up on meds (OK for a short term fix) further debilitates people. It's crazy.

However, there is good news out there, too. I know from personal experience having gone through mental health issues, depression, mania, schizophrenia, and being hospitalized 3 times with all this, that since I discovered orthomolecular medicine (in particular niacin therapy and essential fatty acids) that I haven't been to a shrink in 9 years, no relapses into mental health crises, and I've done a lot with my life since, discovered my dreams came true, in my professional life.

And, more good news: There is a lot happening on a grass roots level out there, which brings folks together to create healthier communities: community/urban gardens, cooperative radio stations, carshares, etc, etc. And, within all these wonderful organizations, we can grow as a person, meet like-minded people and feel like we're making the world better.

This is my personal "prescription" for making my life better, mate. If I don't have these sorts of things in my life: nutritional therapy, regular exercise, some purpose(s) that I believe in, and some community, good friends, some down time, I do, indeed get depressed, irritated, cranky and, at worse despondent.

Now, as for your schooling: It is hard to see the big picture especially when we're younger. Spending time while we're young to finish up a degree can be a boon when we get older. As Ada pointed out, our undergrad degrees can often simply lead to other related fields and careers. An English degree has many applications in communications and teaching/tutoring. Not only does education enrich our lives, it also give us a sense of accomplishment.

About this one lady friend who gave you the cold-shoulder. It's natural for people to spend a lot of time with a new lover, and put all their friends on hold. So, I'd just kind of give that one some time. However, I've found with some woman friends of mine, who had a friendship with me (not romantic or sexual) who later on, met lovers, stopped staying in touch with me. I never really wanted to be their partner, so we were just friends. Yet, later on, they've essentially ditched me. So... it makes me wonder what they actually wanted from me in the first place? Kind of disingenuous behavior really.

So, I wouldn't worry about this one person. You deserve better than to be treated like yesterday's news, just because you're going through a rough time. A true friend stand by and offers encouragement. She is not doing that, claiming that she's too busy to even pop you a brief message while she's busy with work and her new lover. She didn't even do that, did she? Just treated you like a old tissue that she blew her nose on (now, of course, I don't have both sides of the story - so this is only what I can gather from your writings). However, I do believe in giving things time and allowing for forgiveness in relationships.

Speaking of which, don't be too hard on yourself; the world is in an economic greed fest and the bums at the top are raping all our rights to our fair portions of the collective wealth. It's not your fault things are so bloody tough these days. But, hey, chin up, amigo. This too shall pass...

Go get 'em, champ!

Ada wrote:What are your criteria for a partner? I only ask because I've seen many people in this forum looking for romance. And they have always seemed more interested in who a person is rather than what. "Nervous wreck" can mean "careful and homeloving." "Can't really work" can mean "always around to chat." I'm not going to put an alternative on the career because I think in the long term that will solve itself in a way that you're happy with. [You don't seem like you'd be happy in a retail or warehouse job.]

So, just a "sanity check" on your criteria. You don't have to answer if it's not a comfortable topic. But perhaps something to consider.

I wrote about my sort of criteria for both a career and a partner, so bear with me here

I've thought about it for a long time, but I honestly don't think I would have a problem working a warehouse job so long as I could have the things I need physically and mentally I guess. So long as I don't have to stay as separated from everyone as I've been over the years and I'm not tired all the time or want to die every day when I'm done working there.

I don't want to make a ton of money, I don't need my kitchen or living room redone every two years or an expensive car, just a small house that I can live in a car, maybe a place to put a mancave I don't know.

What I've done for a long time is consistently lower my expectations on what my career's going to wind up being. At first I wanted to be a film director, script writer, or an animator. I never was good enough for any of those anyways so I even stopped doing them really for hobbies too which I suppose hasn't helped.

Then I thought maybe an English teacher, then a journalist for like, anything and now I'm thinking of maybe some sort of museum curator or archivist. That's such a difficult thing to get into from what I've seen so far, so much schooling and I don't know how long I could keep this up for because if I have to move out I'd have no idea on how to pay for it all. Hell even now I'd be willing to be a stay at home dad if I'd found someone who needed that.

As for a partner, I'm not picky for looks. I find all sorts of shapes sizes and races attractive. Someone comfortable with the fact that I'm inexperienced with everything. Kind, accepting, gentle, someone who I can learn from as well as teach. Someone who can be blunt with me instead of playing games with me to tell me what they need from me. Comfortable enough to love me without holding anyhing back. Have some similar interests to me or at least being able to put up with my eccentric geekiness is an important thing, I've got myself mixed up in a fairly infamous fandom recently so I'm hoping that's not going to be a huge deal breaker or anything. Liking sex as much as I do ( or at least think I would because I am a virgin) would be a huge plus...

I'll reply to Jerril next post

Jerril wrote:Lostman... hello.

Good on ya for writing stuff down; it can be challenging.

I see in your post more of a need to have a relationship with yourself and your life FIRST then worry about having any sort of lover.

I think you're probably right there, but I haven't really known where to start with that. When I was growing up I hated everyone including myself because it was everyone else treating me badly, but it was my fault for being a person that deserved to be treated badly. I guess slowly I became ok with other people but never learned to be ok with myself. I don't know how I'm even going to do that right now because I'm constantly infuriated and ashamed of myself for not being a person that can be a person that someone could actually want or need and being trapped at home all the time.

Jerril wrote:It's quite ridiculous that all the sudden, especially in America, there is a huge rise in the number of people taking anti-depressants. Most of what causes mental illness is related to, first of all, nutrition. Our food simply doesn't have the essential nutrients it used to, due to lackadaisical/careless agricultural legislation. We aren't as connected to our neighborhoods/we experience lack of community quite easily. And, then, many people are expected to work a little harder every year, working two/three/or four part time, low paying jobs. The stress is rising. The wages are stagnant.

Gee... I wonder why so many are depressed? I wonder why so many people have a lack of serotonin in their brains... Then, pumping people up on meds (OK for a short term fix) further debilitates people. It's crazy.

I've been only seeing my psychiatrist for the past several months and not my psychologist. Every time I've seen him I've had my dosage of cymbalta increased. I get pretty worried about what it's doing to me, I'm pretty sure it's caused the heart problems I have right now.

Jerril wrote:However, there is good news out there, too. I know from personal experience having gone through mental health issues, depression, mania, schizophrenia, and being hospitalized 3 times with all this, that since I discovered orthomolecular medicine (in particular niacin therapy and essential fatty acids) that I haven't been to a shrink in 9 years, no relapses into mental health crises, and I've done a lot with my life since, discovered my dreams came true, in my professional life.

And, more good news: There is a lot happening on a grass roots level out there, which brings folks together to create healthier communities: community/urban gardens, cooperative radio stations, carshares, etc, etc. And, within all these wonderful organizations, we can grow as a person, meet like-minded people and feel like we're making the world better.

I don't understand where to find these things, I suppose I can look into nutritional therapy but it's difficult right now because I've been off so many things like wheat, glutten, and dairy for such a long time, finding everything I need without those things, it's hard. Maybe that's the problem though.

Jerril wrote:This is my personal "prescription" for making my life better, mate. If I don't have these sorts of things in my life: nutritional therapy, regular exercise, some purpose(s) that I believe in, and some community, good friends, some down time, I do, indeed get depressed, irritated, cranky and, at worse despondent.

I suppose I can continue exercising, and getting some nutritional therapy, but I don't really have any good friends right now, no one I can go to about a lot of the things I need to talk about.

Jerril wrote:Now, as for your schooling: It is hard to see the big picture especially when we're younger. Spending time while we're young to finish up a degree can be a boon when we get older. As Ada pointed out, our undergrad degrees can often simply lead to other related fields and careers. An English degree has many applications in communications and teaching/tutoring. Not only does education enrich our lives, it also give us a sense of accomplishment.

part of the problem is how long this is going to take. I don't know how long my parents are going to tolerate me living in this house for. I am only 22, but at this point I should have already been on a two year mission for their church as a religious requirement and have actually several times got in the way of doing my work. Sometimes I feel like I won't be able to concentrate on my schooling is if I'm away from home. I have no clue how I'd pay rent, for school, gas, and groceries if I was living on my own.

Jerril wrote:About this one lady friend who gave you the cold-shoulder. It's natural for people to spend a lot of time with a new lover, and put all their friends on hold. So, I'd just kind of give that one some time. However, I've found with some woman friends of mine, who had a friendship with me (not romantic or sexual) who later on, met lovers, stopped staying in touch with me. I never really wanted to be their partner, so we were just friends. Yet, later on, they've essentially ditched me. So... it makes me wonder what they actually wanted from me in the first place? Kind of disingenuous behavior really.

So, I wouldn't worry about this one person. You deserve better than to be treated like yesterday's news, just because you're going through a rough time. A true friend stand by and offers encouragement. She is not doing that, claiming that she's too busy to even pop you a brief message while she's busy with work and her new lover. She didn't even do that, did she? Just treated you like a old tissue that she blew her nose on (now, of course, I don't have both sides of the story - so this is only what I can gather from your writings). However, I do believe in giving things time and allowing for forgiveness in relationships.

I would like to agree with you on this but I don't feel like I deserve better than that. I sent her a quick message last night basically saying that I had discovered that she'd removed me from anything that we used to talk on and that if there's a problem she should have just told me because it hurts more when you just dance around the truth. I have no idea what I did, I have asperger syndrome. If someone doesn't tell me than I have no idea. Honestly sometimes I wish I had all the symptoms of AS because if I had no empathy I wouldn't care what anyone thought of me and I'd be content to just stay as I am with people doing the same things to me because I'd think it's their fault all the time instead of mine.

She just said the same thing as before and then wished the best for me, hoped I could get the support I needed. But God it still hurts because I never see anything different than this happen to me. I do something, someone gets to close and they see how useless I really am. Can't be the bossy, experienced, take control kind of guy, therefore I feel weak because most other men don't have any sort of problem being that way.

Jerril wrote:Speaking of which, don't be too hard on yourself; the world is in an economic greed fest and the bums at the top are raping all our rights to our fair portions of the collective wealth. It's not your fault things are so bloody tough these days. But, hey, chin up, amigo. This too shall pass...

Go get 'em, champ!

I guess that's the first thing that I need to try doing, but it's hard not to be because I see myself as being the one that stops me from getting the things that I need to be happy. I guess I'll need to try harder at keeping my chin up...

Another week or so's past, maybe it's inappropriate to bump this again I don't know.

I was feeling a little better for a while, but I'm still in the exact same place seemingly as I was last week despite really trying to get myself out there. Ok, so maybe that's not really the case.

Just got into a new sort of online community, it's scary but exciting at the same time. Met a lady on there, I'm pretty sure I'm liking her a whole lot more than she likes me. Even though there's been a whole lot of flirting between the both of us, I don't really think there's any reason to think it's going to go anywhere. We're meeting to go to a convention soon and I really don't know what to think anymore...

All these other guys seem so much better at getting her to talk making her laugh and seem interested, I just fall flat on my face all the time.

Maybe I should have made a separate thread for this.

It's like getting fit. Exercising for a week is a good thing, but it's not going to show immediate results. Over time, even just a month perhaps, the changes start to be noticeable. As long as you keep moving, you'll get to a better place with all this.

It might help to try and stop measuring yourself against other people. Where you said "All these other guys seem so much better at", I wondered if that's what this woman even wants. Making people laugh can be a sign that they aren't comfortable with silence. Or with knowing about anything "difficult". It can be a way to avoid having to sympathise or commiserate.

"Can't be the bossy, experienced, take control kind of guy". Good! Be you! Some of those guys may have personality disorders, are abusive, or only care about women as a status symbol. It's generalising too far to say that all successful men are like this. And MUCH too far to say all women like this kind of man.

I think if you keep putting yourself out there, keep on moving with who you want to be, this will come right. At a genuine level, not what you think "should" work. Don't over-analyse, just see how things go. The convention seems a good opportunity for fun and to get to know this woman better and hopefully others too.