Trying to figure out what the hell is actually happening....

I am a college student whom is adding to the stress of final exams with this bit out of the pages of "relationship hell".

Sorry, I can't help but make this a long story, so much to tell - so many details to this that are actually important.

Approximately a year and 3 months ago I met this person - we were habitually similar, had similar interests, and almost immediately sparks flew. A few months later we go into a relationship that, while full of the usual bumps that I would expect, was overall very good. We enjoyed each others company, got together often and did things, and shared feelings for each other that were as symmetrical as our physical and mental similarities. No really, people who saw us first thought we were brother and sister twins.

Somewhere along last spring semester a guy new to the college joins the group of friends I'm a part of. The girl I'm dating gets slight physical attraction - and this guy, knowing this, holds back - refusing hugs, trying to steer clear, because he knew he didn't want to mess things up. Her feelings for him, confusions, etc did spike during the lovely few days every month she has, but to her own confession those were hormones talking and acting what was a physical attraction - and real feelings were not strong at all [her also being turned off to the fact that he is bi-sexual]. Things remain stable through the summer, and then sometime this past September things got a little odd. During her "time of the month" it started eating her up a little bit more than usual. She would mention how it ate her up, and wanted to put a stop to it so our relationship did not end up being harmed in the process. To compound this problem a couple of small issues developed in our relationship - relatively speaking they were very minor and definitely fixable though, the first being a perception of strength emotionally [or rather, a false perception on her part], and second being a communication issue regarding talking about serious matters and her tendency to inadvertently mistake a cough or something as a smirk, taking something as a joke. This I likened to the movie based on the story of Temple Grandin, specifically the scene where she and her aunt were working on being able to properly associate facial expressions with the emotions they convey.

Unfortunately things got even dicier here since she wanted to seek advice, which was not a problem in of itself, but she sought it out not through a neutral third party, but from the guy whom she was having the physical attraction over. One afternoon/evening when the entire campus tried to evacuate at once during a heavy snowy nor'easter, just before we were both leaving he gives her his cell phone number, tells her to call if she needed more advice, etc.

During the week or two following she mentioned how she was getting help in "emotionally strengthening" herself and hopefully preserving the relationship I had with her - which had me a little nervous since, well, relationship advice I thought would be best sought with both parties in the relationship, and with a neutral 3rd party. The amount of talking about him increased to the point where it visibly upset her - as a result she felt even more torn up about it all. Thanksgiving week comes - that Sunday we get together, everything feels normal, we have a good time and I seem to rekindle certainty in our relationship. Monday night I go to Skype with her, which we usually do, and she's online... but not responding at all. The next day she arrives, and things feel semi-normal, but she was texting him and trying to hide it - poorly I bet... then later I was returning from my class when I saw him with her, holding hands, etc - an even either cheating, manipulation, or just a poorly planned breakup that she didn't quote "want [it] to happen this way". That night she cut off ALL communications - ignored text messages, facebook unfriending, skype contact removal, etc.

Now, the next morning my intuition is SCREAMING at me that something is wrong. All the stuff that probably went on behind my back she vocally said she wouldn't dare do because she knew how hurtful and backstabby it was - and both of us worked hard to gain each others trust [and for a while early on there were moments where we were still testing each others boundaries and finding our limits]... on top of that if she even joked about it, she'd feel horrible about it, and beat herself up about it. On top of that, this other guy - whom she went 'in a relationship' with that night - said he didn't want to interfere, and felt very strongly about it up until that September... plus, if he truly gave three quarters of a damn about giving good advice, wouldn't it make more sense for him to advise her to talk about it with me instead of bottling things up, to seek advice from a neutral source, and stuff like that?

I attempted to confront the guy on the matter just to get some straight answers - what I heard was that she came to him to talk about the issues in our relationship, an that he asked "are you sure"? Something did not smell right about his explanation though - missing a lot of details. On top of that, when I wanted to talk about it, it seemed like he tried to avoid me whether it be in person, online in the various avenues of contacting him that he gave me, or otherwise. To add, this girl and I are so habitually, mentally similar that if anybody tried to tell me something that sounded nothing like her, I would immediately call bs on it because I know her as well as I - quite literally - where habits are concerned. Another friend of mine confronted him about the issue as well, and had the same feeling of being BS'd from him regarding his explanation.

Fast forward to this week. I manged to confront my ex yesterday - and we sat down and had a talk. That was no easy task, as she was hard to get a hold of as she avoided the lounge we all hang out in - and this other guy actively suppressed others talking to her. Case-in-point: A friend saw my ex with this guy - and she was upset. He went up to say something, and the guy she is with now shooed him away.

During this conversation, it was at first just me and my ex, and then the guy she is with now joined in.

We first addressed the issues that might have played a role in this that had nothing to do with that other guy. The communications issue first, then another issue of strength. She claimed this guy had been emotionally strong, which is what she felt she really wanted - since she is medicated for depression and has been institutionalized twice - briefy - after some rather nasty affairs in her family life. She cited a story he told about being bullied in middle school, then finding friends in high school and becoming stronger. That story I immediately countered with the story of my life, which is a tale involving a boy born with weak muscle tone. This boy was supposed to never walk, talk, eat solid foods, or anything like that, but instead underwent a decade of physical and occupational therapy and proved them all wrong. He also had great support in elementary, middle, and high school - friends that stuck by him, were his friends, and helped him make it through the rough patches of growing up. Even though the boy was still bullied, he had friends that helped deal with the bully - and when he was away from those his friends, the tools to help deal with bullies they had given him helped him not only handle bullies on his own, but also in a lot of cases become friends with them in the end. This boy went on to college unprepared for the realities of independent living in a setting of higher education, and was plunged into a deep depression - spurred largely by being taken advantage of, later in his time there by people of the opposite sex who lead him on. Eventually, he managed to pull himself out of the depression - which could have gotten bad enough to kill him... but he did not get out of the depression by being institutionalized, or medicated - just with the helpings hand of people to talk to, and eventually meeting the girl he was in a relationship with for nearly a year. I concluded that story with trying to emphasize how much mental strength is needed to go through all that, and if any emotional $#%^ came up that was directly linked to memories from my first years in that college that perhaps I should be cut some slack on the basis that they were traumatic events that still resonate even with all the progress I've made. Although I did a piss poor job of showing it **sometimes** I really was strong - much stronger than she was, though she was conflicted over a sense of pride in not showing what she perceived [wrongly or not] as weaknesses.

The attraction issue came up - she claimed that she "just realized" that he had "always" felt the way she felt about this guy, which I immediately called #######4 on. To her own confession, the interaction that made her swoon happened the Monday before I found them together Thanksgiving week. After the story of the other guy being bullied in middle school, according to him, he suppressed his feelings and deeper thoughts - and that she was the first to penetrate that layer. That made her feel special for sure. Later on she claimed she never felt the way about this other guy before - which I called #######4 on, as a year and two months ago when she met me, and we were hanging out and still getting to know each other I saw the exact same jubilation, elation, feelings out of her - and so did everybody else we were hanging out with.

I did inadvertently mutter under my breath something to the effect of "sounds like he saw our weaknesses, exploited them, and made you swoon off your ######6 feet" which offended her, though she quickly saw I was just venting steam and didn't let it hinder our talking.

I grilled the guy she is with now on why, in giving advice, he didn't try to get her to keep me in the loop, why he allowed this behind my back - I also asked why not advise her to talk about it, or get a neutral 3rd party involved. Last thing I said was to think about everything said by the guy she is with, and what I've said, and to listen to your intuition always. She invited me to talk with her again tomorrow - and I think I will.

During this whole time I noticed that she is still wearing the earrings that I gave her for her birthday that past April, and she kept saying that she "still loved me" [0_o]. There were moments where I questioned her feelings, and being sure about how she felt where I could see it in her body language, hear it in her voice that there was still some deep uncertainty [though when the guy she is currently with got involved with the conversation, she acted very certain that she wasn't confused, wasn't unsure]. She even confessed - while it was just her and I - that when they did things we did together - like cuddle together to read together - it felt very very wrong to her.

Keep in mind that up until the night before the debacle where I saw them together she was as passionate about us being together as always, and when I said or did certain hings, it acted like a reminder as to her feelings towards me - and that she had a great thing going she did not want to lose... and when I questioned her about her feelings surrounding what is going on, she seemed to momentarily feel that again - almost like in a movie where somebody is under a spell, and another person momentarily breaks that person out of it, and you see that even if for a moment before going back under that spell. What else doesn't make sense is that if she really was that sure our thing is over/she wants to be with him, why is it that she spent so much time, energy in our relationship up until the Sunday night/Monday day before, spend a lot of her limited $$ on a lovely Birthday gift a few weeks prior, act like she had?


MY QUESTION:

What happened?

I mean, my intuition says this guy she is with now has a part to do with it - the other part being her inability to confront her problems head on and letting things fester. The behavior of both my ex and the guy he is with now - from after the debacle exploded, to my confrontation with the other guy, to my finally talking to her [and son both members of the couple] - including what my friends observed - only fuel my suspicions... Many of my friends - who knows as much as I do about this whole mess and heard/saw things they found out on their own accord - are suspicious as well, and they've gone through many relationships that either ended roughly, hard breakups, or had cheating happen to them.

What do you all make of this mess though? What do you think actually happened?

Also, is there anything that can be done to help? I mean, the guy she is with now is trying to be friendly/friends with me - which makes me sick to be honest - while avoiding me after the issue comes back up - and acts friendly to the rest of the people in my group of friends [including those very distrusting of him]... and I know if this thing implodes, the girl I was with could be in an even worse state of affairs [perhaps deeper depression] on top of the guilt of realizing what she left behind for this guy/how she hurt me with his help. I mean.... even then there also is the whole "woah, this guy took my GF, took advantage of her feelings and made her leave me under false pretenses, and is now trying to be all buddy buddy to my friends, and I of all people?"


EDIT: IF nothing else, is there a way to convey a point that is more likely to make it stick in somebody's mind, so that it is extremely difficult to not think about it? If nothing else, I really want her to think about the logic behind what is going on - or lack thereof - and things my friends have said about this situation where it is clear to us that this guy is taking advantage of her - and had a heavy hand in making her feel, act the way she did. I want to convey some point, and make her really think about it - not just to get her to evaluate what has happened / if her relationship is real, but to avoid the possibility of her being taken advantage of in the future.

Logic and evaluation seldom applies to relationships. I can't even guess at what really happened. The business of your ex buying a lovely present and still putting energy into the relationship right up to the end makes sense to me, though. It might have been through guilt at having feelings for someone else or simply confusion and determination to "make the best of it."

I would not suggest you be friends with the new guy. That also seems like he's either acting out of guilt or emotional manipulation. Either way, it's better just to be polite but cold. And with your ex, I'd suggest saying that you still care about her, that if she wants to talk any time she can, and leave it at that. If you put down her decisions or suggest that she's being manipulated or taken advantage of, she's likely to cut you out of her life because she's not ready to think about anything like that. If she has sense, she'll soon see through the current infatuation to unpick what's under it. And if she doesn't have sense, you can't change that.

Talked to her today.

Apparently the conversation we had the other day was very strong - haunted her all day yesterday into last night, and I have a feeling she was stressed out today with it on her mind. After today's conversation, I really got a sense that "oh god, I ###$ it up" is starting to really sink in - I could hear it in her voice, a haunting mix of guilt, sadness, and fear.

That's positive. At least she's able to think it through rather than staying in denial about how difficult the situation is.

If she does realise she's made a mistake and asks for another chance. Please be gracious about it. Don't rub her nose in it or over-analyse what happened. Or set rules about how she can talk to people in future. Let her own feelings strengthen the relationship and that she can trust you're a good person, though not without limits. Good luck with it.

Ada wrote:That's positive. At least she's able to think it through rather than staying in denial about how difficult the situation is.

If she does realise she's made a mistake and asks for another chance. Please be gracious about it. Don't rub her nose in it or over-analyse what happened. Or set rules about how she can talk to people in future. Let her own feelings strengthen the relationship and that she can trust you're a good person, though not without limits. Good luck with it.

She said she felt horrible about breaking my heart, throwing away a good thing [her words] and kept assuring me - even though I didn't verbally say anything about it - that "no, it is not you fault, it was never your fault - it was all my fault" - which assures me she is starting to really think about all this stuff. Personally? I think she let her feelings run away from her and we both need a period of cooling down before further talking about this issue [funnily enough, we have December 22 - mid January off between the end of the fall semester and the start of the spring semester]... I think that should be more than enough time to cool off before re-establishing contact on some level [since the thing happened about 3 1/2 weeks ago, we've only talked those 2 times - to her own confession we should have talked sooner]

Part of me wants to believe she is not ready for a real relationship, though she made it all the way to September-ish of this year before things became an issue, ugh, analyzing the $#%^ out of it right now... I mean, she is not doing too well academically, she takes care of her mom, w/ kidney disease - who is none too pleased right now, so perhaps those things amplified conflicted feelings contributing to all this on top of other things [treated medicinally for depression].

I mean, she did get flirty and $#%^ with this guy once he stopped resisting her / stopped trying to isolate himself away from her [which he did to prevent EXACTLY THIS from happening - him being involved, making her get emotionally confused off her ass and get him to help her do something stupid], and started getting closer to her [which is a big fault not just for her so far as not controlling herself better, but also for him so far as the fact that he could simply not give in, keep telling her to back off, etc, etc] - which contributes to my thoughts about her not being ready... some friends and I seem to think so, and now feel like perhaps if she is so easily swayed that this can happen that the guy should at least be made aware of the possibility of this repeating.

I mean, she needs some drastic changes over a longer period of time before I can consider going further than friends, but I am actually optimistic that she is starting to see that she needs to remove the rose tinted shades [practically opaque at this point ] and see that on many many levels things are not fine with her life.

Perhaps she needed to escape from the hard stuff in her life. And this guy was holding the door at the right moment. A cooling off time seems like a sensible plan.

Ada wrote:Perhaps she needed to escape from the hard stuff in her life. And this guy was holding the door at the right moment. A cooling off time seems like a sensible plan.

Whilst I was talking to her this past Thursday two of my friends, who have been helping me through this whole thing, discussed the idea of talking to this guy, and letting him know that keeping up this relationship is a bad idea on twofold: One, because in her current state this set of events could repeat/he would be the one in the crossfire of it all, and two: because a relationship where one party gives into flirting and nagging from the other party [especially without trying harder to be firm and say no] as opposed to one formed by friendship, bonding, and all the other crap involved - is not a very good one [which I can attest to from an attempted relationship I had back in High School, etc up to a little while before I met the girl who spawned this post]... one party, the other, or both can feel forced, not feel very happy, committed, etc, etc.

Should they go through with it?

I mean, it could make her a basket case if he takes the advice and breaks it off, but OTOH it could really drive the point home that there is stuff in her life she really needs to fix before she is ready for a relationship - and drive her to fix the problems....

That seems to me to be interfering way too much. No-one has the right to dictate for another adult when they are ready to have a relationship. They risk isolating her completely. Either because he follows what they say and she's unable to trust anyone any more [which is how I'd feel if "friends" meddled in my private life to such an extent.] Or because he doesn't follow it and they both start avoiding people who want to have a say in something that isn't their business.

Also, if she isn't ready for a relationship with him, she isn't / wasn't ready for one with you, either.

People need to make their own mistakes. You've said your piece, she's made her choice for now. This course of action is more likely to push her into stress and being miserable than away from it. Is that honestly what you want for her?

Ada wrote:That seems to me to be interfering way too much. No-one has the right to dictate for another adult when they are ready to have a relationship.

True - of course all the friends would be doing is making him aware that these things are possible - that she could repeat this stuff again - and let him decide whether or not to continue in the relationship with her. They would not outright say "you must not be with this person/that person/whatever" of course as that would be too much.

Honestly though, even with this guy's involvement, I do feel like he could be setting himself up for a bad time and at least he should know what he could be getting in to before deciding to continue or not.

That's still his decision to make. And I'm not sure it would come across to him as unbiased, which means he'll ignore it without thinking about it.

Plus, I think you may be rationalising this too much. Relationships are often about impulse, about feelings at that moment. And they fly in the face of common sense, past history, facts or anything else.