Falling 'in love' or dreaming about every man I meet

Hello,

I am new to the forum. I will explain my situation.

I am going through a very tough time at the moment, although I have had issues with mental health for a long time. I have chronic generalized anxiety and agoraphobia, sometimes I have very depressive days when I start to brood over my life and mainly relationships. I have had an abnormal life due to my anxiety, I don't do many 'fun' activities such as going clubbing or cinema because for some known reason (agoraphobia and derealization when doing these things) and some other unknown reason the fact that I don't find activities fun at all and I don't know if that is fully related to the anxiety.

I was in denial about all this for a long time, and in a way I wish I still was, at least back then I wasn't depressed. I realize I am very abnormal and now I feel self conscious because of it, I don't know where to go or what to do to socialize outside of work settings and I think I would be nervous doing so due to agoraphobia when away from home and simply not enjoying it for some reason. I have never had a relationship due to this (not 'going out' or having many friends etc) I would be nervous if I was asked out on a date as I am behind my age group. Now due to the way anxiety affected me and my life I struggle with self loathing and shame, thinking I am boring and pathetic, I can't stop thinking this way now but at the same time I find it impossible to turn it around.

Now I seem obsessed with making friends with men, and every time I talk to one or even worse make friends with him, after first getting on even just one time I will dream about spending romantic time with him and become convinced we are compatible and given time we could be something, if I find out he is getting on with some other girl I will either feel very upset or jealous even though I know I shouldn't, I won''t always think of marriage sometimes just affection, this happens indiscriminately. Now I don't know who I 'fancy' and who I don't, what qualities I truly like as I seem to be too willing to accept all, I don't know when my feelings are warranted/real/will pan out or just my imagination, I don;t know why this is happening either... lately I did something which I partially regret because of all this, somebody please help me, I need to both talk and learn why I am like this.

Welcome to the forum, forever. And thank you for sharing your story. It seems really difficult for you at the moment. Do you have any hobbies or pastimes that you do enjoy? I'm wondering if maybe one of those could turn into an opportunity for socialising [a book group, knitting circle, gaming nights, sports.] That instantly gives you a way to meet people and something to talk about that you all have in common.

It would be natural to wonder if each man was The One, if you aren't meeting that many. So perhaps being out more, and being around people more, might give you more confidence in getting to know men with less pressure from your imagination. Terribly difficult to do in practice, with anxiety and agoraphobia, though. Do you have a current therapist and if so, have you talked to them about this at all?