Open Relationship / Sexual Friendship

Hi All,

Firstly, sorry for the novel, if this is in the wrong forum then apologies!

I'm a male in his mid thirties, separated for 1 year and recently officially divorced and very happy about it. Wife had an affair, was very hurtful but I am over it..

I've recently started seeing a girl who I have worked with for a couple of years, we never worked closely together but have been generally friendly, she's been separated under 6 months and heading for divorce. She will be moving overseas soon but somewhere I visit regularly.

It's all been very innocent up until this point, we have only kissed but gone on quite a few dates and talk all the time, this has gone on for 5 weeks, to say that I really like her would be an understatement, but I get infatuated easily.

We both agree that we really like each other and there could be a future and have had a few chats about the smart thing being that at the moment we should take it really slow and no pressure or commitment but I articulated that I wanted and assumed it was exclusive and I thought she agreed.

We had in interesting chat last week where she was 100% honest with me as she felt she needed to be open with me before we started anything. In a nutshell, she told me she prefers to have sex with people she is not in a relationship with, she can see a future with me but isn't ready for any form of commitment at the moment, there are things she wants to try that would not be fair to do when in a relationship (e.g. swinging, threesomes, being with another girl e.t.c.) and told me in no uncertain terms that if I wanted a relationship now then she wouldn't have sex with me but If I was happy to be friends then she would explore all this stuff with me. She told me that whatever she does she will be 100% upfront about it with me.

Although this definitely *isn't* in my normal comfort zone, it kind of turns me on & I feel like this is good opportunity to broaden my horizons with someone I like, at a time when i'm newly single and dont need commitment.

My problem is I'm naturally an anxious / jealous type of person in a relationship, I have tried to work on it and feel this may be a good opportunity to desensitise myself and become secure in myself and others.

I am already a little obsessive about her, I think about her constantly and wonder why she hasn't called / texted, I check her social networks regularly for updates etc.

I know that my feelings for her probably out way hers for me by far, but In my current state I'm likely to turn down offers to date or look for other women in the hope she will end up with me.

She has another male friend who she hasn't slept with but has agreed to go to a swingers club with, but mentioned she probably doesn't have time now because she is going overseas. I am obsessively thinking about how she was probably planning this with him while she was seeing me & while I thought we were going to be going slow but not exclusive.. She may have agreed to it beforehand but I have no way of knowing..

I'm constantly thinking that she is with other guys, sleeping with other guys and i'm somehow missing out..

I'm constantly thinking about how when we first got together she said she wasn't ready or a commitment but also didn't want F*ck buddies either, hence why I said slow but exclusive and thought she agreed. I keep thinking silly stuff like she was planning to have a relationship with me but then met other guys and she changed her mind.

When we first got together she told me she really likes me and could see a future with me but was worried she would disappoint me because her life was a bit crazy at the moment, when I said the only thing that would hurt me was if she cheated on me, she told me she wouldn't do that.. I'm constantly thinking now that she was lying or not being 100% truthful.

The thing is I know I have absolutely no right to think this stuff, she has been nothing but honest and upfront with me about everything and I think that takes a lot of courage. I agreed to be friends so it shouldn't matter if she doesn't touch base or if she's going out and sleeping with other men.

Secondly she is going through such a massive life change, getting divorced, moving countries and holding down a very demanding work and social life, I feel I'm being totally selfish by not understanding that she may change what she wants in life as she clarifies it in her own head.

I'm aware of all this but I can't stop my mind going there, how do I help myself cope with all this stuff, or is it likely just to never happen for me, I truly want to be secure enough to be able to deal with this without losing my mind and losing her as a friend and potential future relationship.

I know there probably isn't a silver bullet but any suggestions would be appreciated..

Sounds like you are going to get hurt if you go into this 'open' relationship.

Dont do anything you are uncomfortable with just because its an opportunity. Think it through.

She's going through a divorce and is unlikely to be over that which is why she's asking you to do this.

If I were you, I'd move on and have space. Talk to her in 6 months minimum nd feel out her situation then...

It sounds to me like she's been upfront that she is seeking sex and male companionship and not a monogamous relationship. She's also clearly given you an ultimatum: accept a role as lover and male friend or she'll look elsewhere. Personally I commend her for her attempts to be forward and honest with you if anything.

If you're genuinely interested and willing to risk getting hurt, then I might give it a chance. The worst thing that probably happens is that you end up not liking the arrangement which you can also back out of without fault since you've made no commitment. At the very least, you've learned something new and had experienced some wonderful sex with a woman you've been infatuated with. You've also left the door open for the relationship to progress to a monogamous one if that's what both of you choose.