I need your help

Hi, this is my first post here. i'm a 21yr old male. I have been in a very serious relationship for the last 9 years. Everything has always been perfect. we never fight, we were always happy, and nothing was wrong. Until she left. I live in the us, and she moved to germany 3 months ago for school. I have never spent more then 24hours w/o talking to her before now. about 18 hours ago she told me she wanted to take a break. she says its because i want to give up my dreams to follow her. (phd marinebio conservation student. That cant be done in germany) and she doesn't want me to do that. But really my dream is to be with her. and she just will not understand that. I feel like shes not telling me whats going on, and im her partner, i should be one she comes to for help. she wont talk to me, and just wants her space.
I feel like breaks, especially in long distance relationships, is really a way of breaking up slowly. This is the first time we have been on a break. i would like to hope its nothing sexual, she says its not. we were each others first. and when i think of cheating it disturbs me in a way i cant explain. and i would hope she feels the same.
I have a history of depression and anxiety I have attempted before, but im not really suicidal right now, pretty much because i still want to know, i still think theres a chance.
I have her, thats about it. I stopped talking to my friends a long time ago. This is not something i can discuss with my mother. (they have a strong relationship also). I cope by anxiety attacks and self harm, maybe thats not coping with it correctly, but its what i know.

i have survived renal cancer, i have one of her kidneys. we have been through so much together, idk how this could change all of that. I just need some words of encouragement please.
If i cant be with her, idk if i can live.

My question is, do i just get up and go there and not look back? or does everything really happen for a reason, should i just live out my life crying, screaming and harming myself.

how do I tell people im not getting married. when i see people i love now, i just break out in tears and i cant speak.
please help.
I apologize for my grammar, normally it's impeccable.

Don't be afraid to comment please. I need your opinions. ty

bump

87 views and no one has anything.

I cant believe you just told me you "cant" live without someone. You need to stand up and take a good look around you, and realize that this world of ours is filled with possibilities, there is no one be all end all solution to the question of life, and she is certainly not the solution if you have to be asking this. It's as simple as moving on, and finding something else worth living for. I can understand that it may seem like loosing her would be the end of your world, but you need to understand that there is no one thing that will make you "Happy," and that goes for all of us, no matter how much we'd like to believe the stories about people finding true love. Walk back out into your world, forget the past, and find something new, you've already given enough of your life to this person

It sounds to me like she is maybe wanting to have a little freedom and space to be independent.I can totally see your point and being so upset about this. It is hard to loose someone who you have such a history with. I also understand her point of view too, it is not easy to be with only one person your whole life. I know from all my friends and other people I know who had been together since high school it is a very low success rate (I have been out of high school for over 22 years). We change so much in the teenage years and early 20's. I know it is hard but if this is what she is after and you don't let her have this she may resent you for ever. I agree that there isn't just one person out there for us, if you are meant to be than it will be. I was with my girlfriend for almost 4 years and lived together for the last year plus, she wanted to get married and I didn't , not because I didn't love her enough but because I felt like I wanted to be single for awhile, date other people and just be selfish for a change. I told her if we were meant to be than we would end up together again. Sorry to say we didn't get back together... I just didn't want to and she found someone else. Don't worry I found someone else too and even though it was less than a year after we broke up I felt like I was ready to settle down. You will be happy to know that we have been married for coming up on 14 years and have a healthy daughter who is 11 and healthy son who is 9. Life is good and yours can be too if it doesn't end up working out between you two. You shouldn't change your plans for school for her or you may regret that, I could have went and played college baseball but was with my girlfriend so I didn't go..one of my only regrets that I have in life. Good luck and know that it will all work out for the best. Who knows you don't know what life is like being single or with somebody else either, maybe you will be even happier.

After beating my self up about it. I decided to move on. If shes not happy with me, I cant be happy with her.
Turns out, I don't even like girls. So idk if ill end up with her.