Please read, feeling so lost.. Any feedback is appreciated

So I am new to this site, as I am looking for some sort of support system to help me with my situation. I am well aware that I need to make some decisions in my life but I am having a really hard time making them, as I feel I have no support at all. (I would like to apologize in advance in case this post is hard to follow... it turned out to be alot longer than I expected). Also, I first posted this in another area but realized after its more of a relationship issue than anything else.

Let me start by saying that I have been in and out of severe depression, and dealing with social anxiety and eating disorders since I was 13 or so. My father and I were in a horrific car accident and my family life was never the same. I sought treatment and it took me about 9 or 10 years to become functional again. Then just as I was beginning to progress with my life, my younger brother (my only sibling whom I was very close with) passed away in an accident. I believe my previous hardships helped me to stay away from drugs or doing anything drastic at this time, but I have been struggling with mood and anxiety again since. In addition, I have more recently been looking into BPD and believe I may have the disorder.

It is difficult for me to explain all of my situation in an online posting, but I will do my best...

I have had many unhealthy relationships with men in the past and just as I was about to give up, I found a man whom I thought was truly my other half. When we met, I was nearly finishing my second college diploma program in school, was working and was living with my parents and had an over-all happy relationship with them. Our relationship began back in January and since then, I have progressed into a very dark place.

He lived about 45 mins from my parents place, and seeing eachother was becoming a pain, as we couldn't get enough of eachother. Eventually, he invited me to live at his house and I moved my clothes and some necessities in. Soon after, I graduated and left my job near my parents and began to pursue work in my boyfriend's area; I now wonder if this was a bad decision on my part.

I started getting very severe headaches daily, as well as nausea and anxiety. I had found a job, but quickly lost it, as I was too sick to work. It was too difficult for me to see my family doctor, as she was about 30 mins further away than my parents, and the walk in clinic doctors in my boyfriend's area couldn't figure out what was wrong. (The headaches ended up lasting about 5 months, but the stomach problems remain)

I was wondering if I should stay with my boyfriend, because I was so sick, and was becoming lonely, due to not seeing my friends anymore as they were so far away and I had no money to drive to visit them. My boyfriend was layed off work for the first couple months we were together and was used to staying up all night and sleeping all day so I too fell into the habit. This made everything in my life harder, because if I wanted or needed to wake up during the day for any reason, I couldn't. I was becoming very depressed. My boyfriend and I love animals and he had a collection since I met him, and accumulated a few more to try and "make me happy" but it was becoming a chore to take care of them all. I also feel that if I ever wanted to leave, I am sort of trapped here by the animals because he doesn't look after them and I couldn't stand to think they would be neglected (I couldn't bring them with me).

Since then, other issues have arisen. I have become very depressed and have anxiety about everything. All I do every day is clean the house and take care of animals. I have lost all contact with my friends, and now even just thinking about being social with them gives me major anxiety, because when I am very depressed it is hard for me to talk - I fumble my words, and have a hard time concentrating on conversations. I tried and still try very hard to find a job, but there is nothing in the area and interviews have led me nowhere.. and even though I really feel the need to work, I get extreme anxiety about going back to work and being social. We are living off of my boyfriend's income, which doesn't leave us alot of money to play with... and I feel bad asking him for money to put gas in my car and try and go out and be social because I feel like I should have my own money and it is not mine to ask for. My boyfriend, whom I thought was very loving and understanding, has very slowly turned into someone cold and unreceptive. I am sure I haven't made it easy for him to live with me, as it is rare now that I am in a good/happy mood, but I just don't feel like he gets it. He tells me I should just snap out of it and that I'm wasting my time being miserable, and that I should enjoy not having the responsibility of going to work.. But I have grown to feel useless without that responsibility, without the social interaction with others, without any feeling of accomplishment. I have tried to tell him all this... We have spoken as adults and had fights about it as well - I just feel like he doesn't care.

I've told him I want to seek help, and have tried to find some in the area but it is all so expensive. My boyfriend has told me I don't need help and I should just be able to talk to him, but I don't feel like I can properly express myself to him and even if I could, he wouldn't understand.

A few months ago, i tried to leave him, saying that I really don't feel I should be in a relationship, or maybe I should just move home and get my head together because I feel like my life has gone into the gutter. He was adamant about wanting me to stay (and still is). Shortly after that, he proposed to me, so we are engaged... And he is saying now that he is "getting sick of this ****" and "one day is just gonna give up".

I should mention that more recently I have become very suspicious of him. I don't know if it was my intuition or my depression/anxiety, but I felt like I couldn't trust him. I made the poor decision to snoop, and found a sex tape with an ex and text messages to the female neighbour that to me sounded like he was asking her for sex, and her telling him in return that she can't anymore because she loves her boyfriend and can't do that to him. Of course, it all blew up in my face and I confirmed nothing because my snooping turned the whole situation around on me. I should also mention that since my headache and stomach problems arose, our sex life started to go down hill because of how I was feeling... On top of that, I gained a bit of weight and developed some sort of weird discomfort 'downstairs' and it all has made it very difficult for me to be sexual with him. I have felt obligated to have sex with him at times because I know it is important to a relationship and though I don't often want to, I try for his sake.. he has since told me that he feels 90% uncomfortable with our sex life because of my issues. That hurt.

He voiced to me this evening that he was angry I was text messaging a friend and not talking to him. I was in a bad mood and trying to vent to my friend. We argued and now he has gone to bed.

So now, I am sitting here at 2am, wondering what the hell to do with my life. I have no one to talk to for advice, and sometimes have a hard time making decisions myself. I tried to talk to my mom but I have never been able to talk to my parents about my personal problems so it didn't really go anywhere. Also, I couldn't really say much to the friend I spoke to earlier because her husband is good friends with my fiancee and I don't want anything to come up to my boyfriend and generate further problems. These are the issues I am stuck on:

- I am very depressed and suffering from CONSTANT anxiety and I don't know where to go for help
- I can't decide whether I should leave my boyfriend or not because I'm not sure if our relationship issues are stemming from my depression/anxiety or whether it is actually an unhealthy relationship and he is a jerk
- I can't leave even if I wanted to because I have no gas or money for gas or money to rent a van to bring my stuff home
- Something needs to change because I am losing my mind and starting to wonder if I even want to live

I am very sorry for writing so much, I haven't been able to talk to anyone about my issues in MONTHS and MONTHS. I'm not expecting anyone to be able to fix anything for me, I guess I just need some feedback or maybe reassurance? I am just so lost.

Thank you for your time xx

Jen1985 wrote:I can't decide whether I should leave my boyfriend or not because I'm not sure if our relationship issues are stemming from my depression/anxiety or whether it is actually an unhealthy relationship and he is a jerk

You should definitely leave him. He is a jerk.

It's generally hard to tell over the internet like this, because we only hear one side of the story, so the positive aspects of the other person may be omitted, and the negative ones overstated.

But this is a major red flag:

Jen1985 wrote:A few months ago, i tried to leave him, saying that I really don't feel I should be in a relationship, or maybe I should just move home and get my head together because I feel like my life has gone into the gutter. He was adamant about wanting me to stay (and still is). Shortly after that, he proposed to me, so we are engaged... And he is saying now that he is "getting sick of this ****" and "one day is just gonna give up".

He treats you like he owns you. He is "nice" only when this imagined ownership is threatened.

Get out of it while you can. Don't feel guilty if you need to ask for help from someone you haven't seen in a while. If one old friend doesn't seem to be available, try someone else. But don't stay in this situation.

Thank you. I am currently devising a plan to leave.. Wish me luck.

Good luck, Jen. I think any action at this point will help. I don't know if it's an unsalvagable relationship, but it does seem like something needs to change, as you say. Perhaps a break will be what you both need to regain perspective and loving feeling towards each other. It is hard to deal with when a partner is unwell in any way, and your fiancee seems like he's in denial about the situation. Which isn't fair on you. Pretending the issues don't exist doesn't make them disappear, it makes them worse.

Are there any colleges or teaching hospitals near you? They can be good sources of lower-price [but still good!] health care, because they're training students [who are all under strict supervision.]

When you leave, he'll have to look after the animals, and I hope you'll find he steps up to the task once there's no-one else to push it onto. At the moment, you're the "easy option" and he doesn't have to think about it, but that may change if you're not there. If you hear that he's not, then perhaps you can encourage the friend whose husband knows him to support him in getting it sorted out. Finding new homes for one or two of the most demanding animals might leave enough time and attention for the others. If all else fails, he can be reported for neglect and the animals will be deliberately rehomed then. But they aren't something to factor into staying/going. You are more important, to be blunt.

I agree entirely with the previous reply. It seems pritty clear to me that you are not suited to one another. I think it's really important to be able to talk openly with a partner and also to be able to trust them. It seems that you can do neither of those things with this guy. Although it's hard and upsetting it's far better to end the relationship now.