I'm thinking too fast

My mind is getting confused. I'm starting to think about doing irrational things. I'm having trouble learning from past mistakes.

The only solution to this is to think slowly. Very slowly. However, this is easier said than done.

I'm glad I finally have a job again (as you might remember, I got fired a few months ago through no fault of my own). However, the stress level has increased. I'm starting to have increased incidents of illogical behavior and bizarre thinking.

I've talked to my therapist about this. He tells me over and over again that these are just thoughts, and just because I'm thinking about them does not mean that they will happen. However, in my confused state of mind, I'm continuing to repeat mistakes I've made in the past. I need help, but the only person that can help me is myself.

I need to think slower. Really slow.

Hey, Kenneth! Do you think that maybe writing about these thoughts and about how they're irrational and how they're not helping might be good for you? You could keep a journal, for example.

Right now, a journal would not help me that much. I've been keeping a journal for a really long time, and it only helps to a certain extent.

I continue to think about doing irrational things. The only solution I can come up with is to work towards preventing these things from happening, and doing productive things in general. I know it's obvious, but the only way to solve a problem is to do something about it.

I'm tired of moping and whining. I'm going to do something about my problems.

That's good! What are you going to do? Try to use a distraction when you feel stressed or anxious? Or maybe pacing yourself and taking things slowly might work, going through everything patiently and with focus.

That's exactly what I've been doing, jasmin. I have the urge to yell at my boss for no good reason, but I slow myself down and try to focus on one thing at a time. Right now the most important thing is to complete the project I'm working on. That is the only way to become successful in order to change things in the world.

I think I can do it. If I keep working hard toward something meaningful, I will change things in a positive way.

I think you're right!

Unfortunately, I'm back here again, jasmin.

I have imagined a horrible thing happening in the future. I can't describe what it is because it's personal, but it's pretty awful.

In addition, the past has come back to haunt me. I am having trouble sleeping. I am losing my ability to function at work. Even now, I should be sleeping in order to work efficiently tomorrow, but I can't.

The cruelty and brainwashing they put me through throughout my life still lingers in my mind like a poison. Even though I know I have done nothing wrong, the extreme abuse (most of which was not even physical) makes me think I am the villain. I am not the villain. I am not like those people who did this to me.

I suppose what I really wanted out of life was an explanation. People get very upset when someone discriminates against blacks, but no one cares when someone discriminates against Asians. When I tried to write an article about this to the media, white journalists just didn't care. When I asked why they rejected me, they refused to offer an explanation. Not because they didn't want to, but because they knew they had no explanation, and they just wanted me out of their way. These people were practically braindead. They didn't even know why I was upset even though I told them why.

I hate the media. I hate this country. I hate the racism I face every ######6 day when I'm on the street, when I'm at work, when I'm watching TV. Why doesn't anyone care about Asians? Why are white/black people allowed to use aggression against me when I'm not allowed to use aggression against them?

I'm calm right now, but I'm in extreme pain. I don't know if I can even function at work in the morning.

Pain doesn't have to be physical to be extreme.

Kenneth, I'm so sorry, please try to stay strong. Talk to your therapist about this and try to remind yourself of your determination.

Thanks jasmin. I am trying to stabilize my mind, but I feel as though I am gradually falling apart. I'm not sure how much longer I can last, stuck in both the future and the past. The things that happened and continue to happen aren't things one just gets over. I have to persist, but I have to be honest with myself -- I'm losing my will to fight.

It's all gone wrong.

I'm really having trouble now. No tangible damage has been done, but it's getting to the point where I can't distinguish the difference between a strategic action and a stupid action. They've hunted me for most of my life. They broke down my will. I'm having trouble regaining the will.