I could really use a little help. :/

I'm really sorry if I'm posting this in the wrong place. I just joined the site a moment ago.

I would really appreciate some perspective or advice from someone who has gone through something similar to me.

Okay, so basically, I've been really bothered lately with some pretty severe symptoms. Panic attacks, intense chest pain brought on by thoughts about an event from my childhood accompanied by difficulty breathing, inability to speak, massive headaches, depression, widespread physical pain, difficulty with processing and expressing emotions, trouble concentrating, feeling disconnected and withdrawn, having the feeling that I will never be happy or live a normal life, obsessive compulsive tendencies, nearly constant thoughts of danger and death, nightmares, difficulty sleeping, tremors, painful thoughts and flashbacks, pretty awful anxiety, difficulty trusting, and probably a whole lot more that I'm forgetting to mention. These are just the symptoms that have in the past few months increased to the point of disrupting everyday life. I've never been a happy person, that I can remember. Following an event from when I was around 8 years old, I've been a very closed off and odd person. I am horrible with emotions. I don't express them or understand them. The only emotions that I can identify easily in myself are fear and anger.
Everything started to get worse when I began to really care for someone. We started out friends, but after about 3 years, I am quite confident to say that I love him. In the last few months, he expressed that I seemed really bottled up. He could tell something big was bothering me. I guess he had known for a while. I had a lot of trouble talking about anything deep or involving emotion. He was understanding and compassionate about it, and eventually, I decided to tell him. That's when the pain started. The night that I explained what happened to me and why I am the way I am, I had a really severe panic attack. I had trouble breathing, speaking, and I felt like I was going to die. I was discussing something that I had successfully avoided for over a decade. He was heartbroken. I was a wreck. He wanted to help. Ever since this night, thoughts about the incident trigger horrible chest pains, trouble breathing, and flashbacks. I've become more sensitive to triggers in movies and television. I've never told anyone but him, and I've never been to a therapist. I have an appointment set up with a counselor, but I'm really nervous that I'm making a mistake. I feel like no one can help me. When I did some research, I found that I pretty much fit in the category of chronic PTSD, and I feel like I'll never get over this. I'm sorry this was such a long post. I guess what I'm asking for is any advice, any hope from someone like me. Will I ever be able to function? With the worsening symptoms, it feels like I'm a lost cause.

No you are not a lost cause. Sometimes the symptoms of PTSD can actually worsen when you are getting to be strong enough to be able to start dealing with it and work through the original trauma. This is because your brain is seeking to be healed from the trauma and you are getting to the stage where you are more ready to try and tackle this difficult task.

I think it would really help you to see a therapist. PTSD is very treatable and a therapist will be able to help you work through your flashbacks and related symptoms to help you feel better. I think it could help you to set up an appointment with a qualified psychologist who has experience in treating trauma, as that could be potentially more helpful than a counsellor (counsellor's are generally not as qualified to deal with these types of mental health issues as a psychologist is going to be).

I'm sorry to hear you are struggling with all of this at the moment. Talking helps. I'm here to listen if you want to keep talking...

I thought there would be some problems with the counsellor not really being qualified to help me with something like this. I guess the reason I set it up like that was because the appointment was free and I was hoping they could refer me to someone who could help. It feels pretty nice to hear you say it's treatable. I didn't know that. That makes me a lot more hopeful. It's funny, I didn't even care how messed up I was until I started falling for someone. I was alright being a wreck and ignoring it until I thought how much more my future husband would deserve. That's really my motivation for trying to fix this now. I want to be able to be open and close to someone, preferably without becoming a hyperventilating and panicked disaster in the process. I'm 20 and have never been in a relationship or even kissed because I'm so afraid of getting close to people.

daligdag wrote:I thought there would be some problems with the counsellor not really being qualified to help me with something like this. I guess the reason I set it up like that was because the appointment was free and I was hoping they could refer me to someone who could help.

Actually that is pretty good thinking. They probably will be able to refer you and if they can't, you can always go to your doctor to get a referral. It is good that you at least have a place to start. One of the hardest things is to find a therapist who will be the right 'fit' for you so you have made a really good move by taking some action to start to find help. That is really positive.

daligdag wrote: It feels pretty nice to hear you say it's treatable. I didn't know that. That makes me a lot more hopeful.

That is good that you know now. It can be tough going sometimes but it is one of the most treatable mental health issues that there is so if you stick with treatment, the pay off is really good and you will start to notice lots of improvement and feel a lot better. It may take time though so be prepared to be patient and to stick it out through the tough times when you start to feel discouraged.

daligdag wrote:I was alright being a wreck and ignoring it until I thought how much more my future husband would deserve. That's really my motivation for trying to fix this now.

Oh that is so sweet and romantic! You are worth doing the hard work for yourself also, try to remember that as well.

daligdag wrote:I want to be able to be open and close to someone, preferably without becoming a hyperventilating and panicked disaster in the process.

That's not good that you are becoming that panicked. Do you have enough awareness at the time to think to slow your breathing down? That can go a long way to helping to relax... I struggle with hyperventilating also, I often find it can help me if someone else is telling me to slow down my breathing also... Ultimately once you can deal with the underlying trauma that is being triggered in certain situations, the hyperventilating and other symptoms will lessen. You might want to think about your first appointment with the counsellor and how you are going to tell him/her about this problem. Sometimes they will ask for more details. You don't have to answer that, but sometimes it helps to know that they might ask. Otherwise you might get to the appointment and be triggered by them asking. It can help to have some plan of how to approach your appointment. For instance, you may want to write on a piece of paper that you experienced a trauma at age __ , no I can't elaborate on that at this stage, and it has caused me symptoms X, Y and Z in these situations _____ . That way you can make sure you cover everything you want to say and avoid being triggered in the appointment.

daligdag wrote:I'm 20 and have never been in a relationship or even kissed because I'm so afraid of getting close to people.

I'm so sorry that your initial trauma has left you with these lasting fears of getting close to people. That is so sad that someone/something has had that power over you. I'm glad you are taking the steps to reclaim your life over this. Is there any sort of intimacy that you have been curious about and perhaps want to try that wouldn't trigger those symptoms, like hand-holding perhaps? If something like that would be ok for you perhaps you could try taking it slowly and only do that for as long as you feel comfortable. That way you would be increasing your positive association with some forms of intimacy. It would be important to pay attention to how you are feeling and to stop if you felt at all uncomfortable though because otherwise you would start reinforcing your negative association with closeness and intimacy.

Well, when I start to feel like I might be heading into a panic attack, I can usually calm myself down enough that it's pretty mild. I'll hide in my room for a bit until I can get composed. When it's triggered by something unexpected, I have no control. It's like someone has pulled a rug out from under me. I get a really bad chest pain and can't stand up straight. I usually end up on the floor trying not to let my heart explode. Then when I get to the point where I'm hyperventilating, I'm aware, but I can't stop it. This has only happened in front of my parents once, and they thought I was throwing a tantrum. They actually told me "you look subhuman right now. You realize this is the equivalent of a toddler holding its breath to get what it wants?" When the taunting didn't help, I was told if I didn't straighten up, I would be smacked "right in the face. You better pull yourself together, and I mean now." Strangely enough, that didn't help. All i can say in those situations is, "Please just let me leave. I need to go," over and over, because I know the only way I can make it stop is to jump in the shower and try to calm myself down by catching my breath and focussing on the water hitting me.
It's a pretty huge difference from the times my boyfriend has been talking to me when it's happened. They don't escalate as far because he is able to keep me grounded. I usually will start to get really quiet and unable to answer his questions of, "Are you alright" with anything more than a very unconvincing ""mm hmm." That's during the chest pain. Since he's not actually here, (we talk on skype because he's quite far away right now) even though he says all of the right things, sometimes I still get to the hyperventilating stage. He's incredibly sweet during this and helps me to focus on breathing. He always knows what is causing it and can talk to me about it until I can calm down. I have noticed just how wonderful it is and what a difference it makes to have someone so wonderful during these. I used to feel really embarrassed after them because I HATE losing control. He makes me feel so much better. Actually, he's kept me from having a panic attack for while. The latest bad one was when I was visiting my parents. He talked me through it, but when I'm around them, things just seem so much worse.
I know I'm going to have problems with physical contact. I go to church a lot and people are very "huggy" there. I can't escape all of the hugs and pats on the back, so I've had to try to get used to them. It still sends shivers up my back. One thing I CANNOT handle is people whispering in my ear. My friends discovered this when talking in my ear led to an apparently amusing bout of cringing and through gritted teeth saying, "please don't ever do that." Sometimes being in church leads to moments where I have to hold someone's hand. I can manage, but I'm always on edge about it. Even if we're praying and have our eyes closed, I have to watch my hand and make sure I'm not getting so stressed out I'll tighten my grip or noticeably shake. Recently, I was at a birthday party for my twin sister's boyfriend. He came up behind me thinking I was my sister and grabbed me around the waist and kissed me on top of the head. (He's very tall and I am not.) I spun around, horrified. It was not a great experience. I spent the rest of the evening sitting with my back up against a wall because my friends saw how much it startled me, and from then on, would come up behind me and grab me in the same fashion. That's the night I had my most recent panic attack. I left the party early and when I got to the guest room I was staying in, I lost it. I think it will be different when I get to see my boyfriend. He's away at college, and I'm away at college. If there was anyone in the world that I would like to hug, it's him. I've never cared about anyone as much as him. Maybe it will be a little tough to get used to at first, the hand holding or hugging, but I know it would be well worth it if it was with him.
I really like your advice about the appointment. I've been concerned about how I'm unable to talk and pretty much freeze up when I think about this stuff. If I had that on paper already, maybe that would make me more able to relax.
Thank you so much for talking to me about all of this. It really means a lot to me. You are too kind and incredibly helpful.