constant thoughts of death

Hi everyone. So I don't know what topic to put this under since the VA ruled out PTSD for this issue. I've been having thoughts(?) of me dying since I was in the military. I can't remember if it started before my deployment or after my deployment, but I remember it getting real bad when I was stateside and I was working the gate or the flight line. I remember sometimes sitting there and just almost constant visual thoughts of my dying in different scenarios. Sometimes it was so real it was as if I was really there. When it can take over, I know i'm sort of spacing out, kind of looking into nothing and thankfully it only happens when I'm usually by myself.

When I was in the military it happened everyday, and didn't matter what time of the day it was. Nowadays it seems to happen mostly when I'm going to bed, and I can have these sort of day dreams for literally hours before I finally doze off. The job I I work at now, I have to work entry stations as well, and it doesn't occur all the time, it's less frequent when I'm working, but it still does occur from time to time.

When I was in the military, my mental state was in a really bad place. I was extremely depressed, had that thought issue, sever back problems and had plenty of anger built up not to mention I was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis after my tour. And i wasn't always like that. Before I joined you couldn't find a happier person than me. I loved everything I was doing and life was great. Yes the military changes you in a way and you do need to handle certain stressful situations as well and the friendly but harsh comaraderie from fellow servicemen. But i don't know what it was that changed me and what made me so f'd in the head. I thought it'd be better once I left, but it didn't.

For a long time things were the same. It didn't help that it was impossible for me to find a job. I couldn't get fast food, security, customer service or ANY job and that raised my as stress level as well. After a year I finally got a job but had to leave it because my problems were on an all time high. And then I had to leave my wildland fire job because of preexisting back problems. I love the job I have now. Although it's not my life long dream job, it's still one I thoroughly enjoy doing. I still have some anger issues here and there but my depression I think for the most part is gone. But these death visuals will not stop. They've been with me since they started and I have yet to see them go even for a day. I can't seem to take control of these. I'm not sure if it's because deep down inside of me, a part of me just wants to die and leave this life, but suicide is out of the question.

I believe the VA didn't give me any medical term for it, they just said it was obsessive thoughts about death or something. So again, I'm not sure what to put it under.

sorry if I made spelling errors or my words are jargled, I'm at work and I'm typing on my phone....

Well first of all, a lot of what I have read about the VA has left me, shall we say, not very impressed. So I would note that just because someone at the VA told you that you don't have PTSD, doesn't mean that you don't have it. However, there are indeed multiple possibilities.

Some people with OCD have frequent intrusive, reoccurring thoughts, for example. Suicidal ideation is a potential symptom of many things, and if you have decided that suicide is "out of the question" on a conscious level, well I don't think there is a major difference between having suicidal thoughts, and thoughts in which you 'just so happen' to die. (The important factor is how you are feeling when you have these thoughts.) Another possible explanation could be the brain coping with a constant threat of dying by essential 'rehearsing' it over and over, and thus 'normalizing' it over time.

Another factor to consider is that coming back to your country of origin and trying to get back into the 'swing of things' in society creates a new type of uncertainty. Serving in the military means that things like pay, housing, food, etc is guaranteed, but not dying is acknowledged as definitely not guaranteed. Operating in regular society means that the threat of being killed goes way down, but things like pay, housing, food, etc become substantially LESS certain. The consistent factor is that survival is not certain.

While this is true for everyone at all times, military or not, civilian or not, failing to thrive in society is a slow, gradual decline. For many people they lose one thing at time, such as losing their job, then losing their house, then their drivers license after they develop a drinking problem, then relationships (etc etc as just one possible example). Whereas failing to thrive in a combat situation tends to be a more instantaneous thing - you are instantly not thriving, at all. It is possible for a brain to consider the latter to be more preferable than the first (although it is VERY IMPORTANT to note that when failure to thrive is slow and gradual, it means there is a constant possibility for things to get better - nothing can ever get better after you are dead).

So given all of these different possibilities, some genuine, unbiased psychotherapy (not from the VA) is probably your best bet to start with. The more you get diagnosed with, the more money the VA is expected to provide for your treatment(s). So don't let the VA decide what is / isn't wrong with you, if you can help it.

I completely agree with the VA comment. That's why I NEVER go there anymore. When my back went out when I was out of the military, I was in SO MUCH PAIN. 12/10 on a pain scale. I was with my family and I couldn't get to our car, they had to carry me because I couldn't walk. We went to the nearest VA ER room and we sat there for over 6 HOURS!!! We went up to the desk MULTIPLE times asking to get some treatment and they just brushed me off. I was practically the only one in the waiting room and people were walking in, getting seen, and leaving before I was even put in the back room. Then I was given a shot, and told to leave 10 minutes later. I have other things I really dislike about the VA that makes me not ever want to go there again, but that was the first instance that involved me and the VA that made me have a sour taste in my mouth for them.

Well I don't really think I've analyzed what emotions I'm feeling at the time or before the time these start occurring. But I don't think I feel depressed or angry or anything beforehand that makes these thoughts occur. But again, I never really looked at myself when they happen.

"Another possible explanation could be the brain coping with a constant threat of dying by essential 'rehearsing' it over and over, and thus 'normalizing' it over time." It's funny you mention that. When I was military police, I always had an issue with how we ran the gates. They wanted us to start using these ID scanners for people who enter the installation, and I had an issue with that. 1. They sucked if you're trying to scan them when the sun is out (which was always) so you had to turn away and get shade on the scanner, meaning your back was to the person. 2. You are holding the card and the scanner, meaning your weapon hand is taken up and you'd had to drop something and then grab your gun, rather than have it free and near your weapon at all times. And I work as a federal fee collector for national parks now. As I did when I was in the military, I feel that if anyone has an issue with who you are or who you work for, they can easily pull a gun out on you and pull the trigger and you would have no reaction time to move whatsoever. Of course, anyone can do that on the streets. But being a MP, you have enemies or you're a target for those who may want to illegally enter the installation, and then for my job now, because you're a federal employee, you do get people who hate you BECAUSE you're in the government, and especially since you're collecting money from them. I've had PLENTY of people who cuss me out or give me their opinions on the government or what I'm doing and I HAVE had people get somewhat hostile with me (but because of my training while I was a MP I was able to diffuse the situation before they did something they may regret). So that does sound like it could be part of the reason.

Well that's one thing I really want to do when I get to Utah (where I'm permanently going to live/work). I've seen a couple therapists while I was in the military and had a TERRIBLE experience with them, and so I decided to talk to a civilian therapist while I was in, and I didn't get to talk to him very much because I was medically discharged shortly after that. From my experience with talking fact to face with someone about what I'm feeling or what I'm going through, I can say it's not great. I get very nervous, figitty, and I start shaking. I also start trying to make up excuses for why I think they happen instead of just telling them what I'm going through and having them diagnose me by what they think (even though I'm sure they do that anyways). I feel very awkward telling people of my issues and that's something that in a way, pushes me away from therapists. I had a friend in the military who was going through some really bad problems, similar to mine, and we vented out problems and were able to push through because him and I were GREAT friends and we were able to discuss it with each other. I honestly think if it wasn't because of him being there for me, and me being there for him, we may not be here today. While I was in I did think about suicide from time to time, and my best friend there was going to commit suicide but called me and I rushed to him. It feels different when you talk to someone face to face who is or did go through issues like yours or worse, and is a good friend, than to someone whom you don't know. But I plan to give a therapist a try when I get there.

Well I could rant for pages upon pages about what I think of the VA. I worked in the mortgage servicing industry for several years before going into the medical field as a CNA. So I saw up close how the VA treats veterans sometimes. It left me pretty disgusted. So I'm glad they haven't conditioned you to 'just be grateful' for whatever you get, and that you still take measures to stand up for yourself.

As for the therapy stuff -

My advice is to just be as open and honest as possible. It's completely okay (and in fact a good idea) to let a therapist know outright that you are very nervous about sharing anything with them, even if you don't completely understand why. That in and of itself is something that can be addressed.

It's also important to find good therapy chemistry. Sometimes a client and therapist are just not a good match for each other, and it doesn't necessarily mean anything is 'wrong' with either person. It's a category of chemistry just like boss/employee, friendship and romance. Some personalities go better together in certain situations than others.

I've also had bad experiences with therapists over the years. In some cases it was because I just flat out wasn't ready to talk about or work on certain things, so I proved to be a very defensive and manipulative client. In some cases it was because the therapist was incompetent and made things too personal for my taste. In some cases it was because the therapist was invalidating, which is a HUGE trigger for me. Yet at the same time, so far so good with my current therapist, we seem to be a pretty good match.

So if the first therapist you see doesn't seem to match you well, and you try to work it out with them to no avail, there is nothing at all wrong or abnormal with shopping around, essentially.

That's good information, thank you.

Since I haven't had too much experience with therapists, aren't the usually supposed to be rather personal with you to find out what might have caused those problems? Or maybe I've watched too many movies or seen too many shows where someone lies on the couch and they ask how their childhood was or something lol But you said for your taste so I guess it's just up to the person undergoing the therapy. I think that'd be the biggest pain, to try and find someone that works for you.

But we'll see how it goes...