Suicidal Pedophile

I'm 19. I'm depressed and suicidal. I've been housebound for over 4 years and have very bad mental health including Autism, Selective mutism, an eating disorder and body dysmorphic disorder.. I've been a pedophile since I was a young child, perhaps age 7 but I'm not quite sure. I was always attracted to other children. mainly boys. I didn't know what sex or sexuality was, I just knew I had these feelings and a couple of times acted on them with friends. I was younger than 10 when it happened, I didn't even know what I was doing. I haven't done anything with children since then. I am devastated that if people only knew I had these feelings they would be likely to ostracise me or hate me.. Is anyone who doesn't know this about me ever truly on my side? Would any friendship I have actually be real? I don't have friendships or socialise with people.. I'm not able to do much in life except eat sleep and watch tv shows.. but I'm now even scared of watching tv shows or movies incase there is a pedophile storyline.. i watched 3 movies in a row and all of them ended up having pedophile storylines.. one of my favourite sci-fi shows went and did a pedophile storyline as a main thing across a whole series.. I used to love watching stand up comedy as it made me laugh and i could be happy.. but now they all do pedo jokes and I hate it.. it just reminds me how hated I would probably be if people knew. I don't want to live any more I even bought some stuff online from a euthanasia company to end my life.. and it's in my room staring at me everyday.. Please don't tell me not to kill myself as it would do more bad than good. Does anyone have any tips on how I can stop focusing on what other people think? I don't look at any illegal material but I do masturbate to legal nudist images and videos. I mainly do this when I've heard something or thought something that makes me feel hated for being the way I am as I find it comforting.. like I'm getting some sort of revenge on the people who make me feel bad for feeling this way. I don't even like masturbation.. I find it annoying and messy. I'd much prefer to be asexual and never even think of sex at all but that can't happen sadly. I just want to be accepted despite my sexual interests..

Hey, glad you found your way here to express your thoughts. Keeping it all inside at all times can just progressively make the world look even worse and more hopeless place than before, which simply fuels these depressive thoughts even more.

Movies and mainstream in general are ignorant about the terminology and use "pedophile" due to its imminent shock value. I just watched CSI and the summary of the episode said it had a "serial pedophile" in it. What on earth is that even? Someone who serially wakes up each day choosing to find kids attractive? Is it a person who feels attracted to children in a weird serial manner? The term they should have used was serial child molester and I knew this, so I simply entertained myself with these thoughts. What I'm trying to say is that when people express their hate toward "pedophiles", whether in the form of jokes or opinions, they mean people who act on their impulses. The idea of a non-offending pedophile never even crosses their mind, because no one has told them about it. The lack completely this concept, which is ironic, since it can be argued most pedophiles are indeed non-offenders. Remember when we read papers we don't read articles about decent pedophiles leading ethical life but we only see news about sex offenders.

I'm not going to insult your intelligence by simply saying the cliche "just don't think about what other people think". I want to make you understand why they think that way. No one can hate "all" pedophiles, since that would be practically impossible given how many of them there are. Rather, they hate inside their head the stereotypical image of a pedophile, which obviously is a child molester or rapist. But you know you are neither. If you were, you certainly wouldn't have written that particular post.

I have told one of my friends I'm a pedophile and he took it extremely well. So yes, people can be on your side, even if they knew about your condition. Besides what you see attractive in the privacy of your own head is none of their business, so don't feel bad about not telling them you are a pedophile. However, If you choose to tell someone make sure he/she is 100% trustworthy. Don't make quick judgements about whom you trust with that secret lest you make a big mistake.

I don't normally offer the 'get help' line as I think it can be counterproductive and lead to people feeling even more isolated (after all, it confirms the desperate feeling of 'I'm broken, I need fixed, I'm defective'). However, once somebody mentions suicide I feel that the 'get help' advice is fitting. Imagine that help as a plaster until the wound has healed enough to be in a better position to help yourself. See a doctor for your suicidal thoughts. You don't have to explain why those thoughts may have come about.

One other thing I would say is that we are much more than just our sexuality. I love little girls, and I always will, but I'm not going to abuse anyone, and I'm no danger to society or to anyone in any way. I am very content with who I am and my sexuality and I wish everyone could feel that relaxed (after all, who is less likely to abuse out of someone who's relaxed about who they are and someone who's distressed). Yes, it's a shame that most people will offer the automatic platitudes when confronted with emotive subjects, but there's only one group of people who can change their minds with exemplary behaviour and watertight morals. People don't know about the specifics of what turns me on, but that doesn't mean they don't love me for me. Some things are simply private.

I really feel that at this stage you should address the suicidal thoughts as a medical issue for the time being, quite apart from whatever may be causing those thoughts. And keep posting here because you're in the right place for understanding and support.

Very much agree with both of the above posts. I'm sorry you are feeling like this. I am not a paedophile myself and I know you sound like a great person, someone I could be friends with...doesn't that tell you something?
The above comments are quite right in saying that, of course your friendships are real. People love you based on who you are, and what they assume you to be (someone who wouldn't harm anyone), and this is exactly who you are. So you aren't 'deceiving' them in any way. Your sexuality is private, so long as you do not act on your thoughts.
I definitely recommend you seek help for your suicidal thoughts and start learning how to accept and like yourself as a person. It's the first step. Best of luck