Fantasies...help?

Hi guys,

I have POCD (the fear of being a paedophile) but this has past for the most part and I am doing well with dealing with the OCD doubts etc.
What I am wondering now is about my ACTUAL sexual feelings, not my irrational fears. I stumbled across a post where a girl was telling about her past sexual abuse, and how some men held her down and did horrible things to her. I was horrified to find I got really aroused after reading it.Now, I am 21. I remember reading my Mum's books when I was younger and getting aroused by a paedophilic secene...I always subconsciously imagine myself as the victim.
I know it is very normal for women to be aroused by 'rape fantasies', because of course they do not want to do this in reality. But is it as normal to be very turned on by the thought of being a younger girl and being abused?
I understand that this may upset people, I am very sorry. I don't mean to offend anyone. It is not that I enjoy imaging child abuse or would EVER watch anything inappropriate. I find child abuse to be a heinous crime. It just seems to be the idea of the domination thing that is arousing. I have normal fantasies too, and this has never really bothered me before. It started to worry me when I read a similar post on here by a woman who was married and said she found the idea of being the victim arousing (strictly in a fantasy sense) and everyone called her sick and said that she was aroused by child abuse and that was wrong. Would that make all the women (8 out of 10 apparently) who fantasise about being raped by a man their own age sick too?
I felt very guilty about this. I kept thinking, people think I'm a lovely person but I mustn't be if I got aroused by this...what if they knew? etc.
Please can anyone help with this? Is it 'normal' to get aroused by this? (I don't fancy children by the way, I want to stress that it is mainly the idea of being dominated and vulnerable that is the turn on).

thanks

Actaully, I went through this when I was about 14 or 15. It's not something I really care to look back on because it mortifies me, since I actually was a victim of a pedophile for 6 years, but at the time, I yearned for it. Eventually, I just lost the desire for it, thankfully, and I never looked back on it or told anyone. If they knew, it would come as a huge shock.

Thanks for your reply. I'm sorry you had to go through that. I have read that it's quite a common fantasy - hence the whole schoolgirl roleplay etc. Apparently victims of abuse sometimes fantasise about it and feel really guilty etc. But then I feel bad when I read people saying it makes you a sicko. I'm just not sure whether it's something that is normal or whether I should be worried. To be honest, it's not something I voluntarily fantasise about because I feel too weird and guilty about it, it's more so that if I read a story about it I would probably get aroused, imagining myself being taken advantage of.
God it sounds awful. I would never want to be raped or anything in reality, so I know it's just a taboo fantasy. But still :/

Well, hey. We don't have to be "normal in our own heads.

I don't think about it at all anymore, and pedophilic reading materials don't arouse me sexually at all, but necrophiliac readings are a whole nother story. I love any kind of necro based reading materials, but I don't feel guilty at all about reading those.

necrofairy wrote:It's not something I really care to look back on because it mortifies me, since I actually was a victim of a pedophile for 6 years, but at the time, I yearned for it. Eventually, I just lost the desire for it

I find the tension between choice of words and content intriguing, but I don't want to hijack the OP's post.

elfie24 wrote:I know it is very normal for women to be aroused by 'rape fantasies', because of course they do not want to do this in reality. But is it as normal to be very turned on by the thought of being a younger girl and being abused?

Hi elfie24,
I think it is hard to know what is 'normal' when it comes to sexual fantasies.
I have fantasies like you describe. I personally don't believe they make me abnormal.

I think a better question to ask is "Is this harmful?" Beyond your worry that they are abnormal, are these fantasies causing you any distress?

Absolutely, the post contradicts itself, there's no other way I could have put it, you would have had to have stood there in my shoes all those years. Trust me, it took a big, long time for me to even make sense of myself. I guess he told me it was ok for so long that I went through this whole, I want it, I don't want it, kind of thing in my mind. Looking back, it's a part of myself I'm sahamed to admit, but it's in my past, thankfully.

I don't think you're abnormal for reading necrophilia stories, i guess its just part of your make up. Its great that you have come to accept yourself as a whole.
These worries are harmful in the sense that they make me stressed out and depressed. I don't know whether it makes me a paedophile or a pervert or what. I just want to be able to concentrate on my relationship without all this anxiety over worrying I am a bad person and don't deserve a relationship with anyone if I have had these thoughts. I am bisexual as well so I worry that this may 'mean' something and I may be a deviant of somekind. I really don't know if 'normal' womenget aroused by that kind of thing. Ugh.

elfie24 wrote:These worries are harmful in the sense that they make me stressed out and depressed.

So it sounds like it's not the fantasies that are the problem, but your worries. How can you manage or reduce these worries? Are you receiving any therapy or help for your POCD?

I'm bisexual too, I don't think there's anything wrong with having a different sexual preference than the masses.