Need help, specifically pedo {May Trigger}

Hey, I need help, I’m addicted to pornography, and I want it gone and out of my life. Unfortunately, I don't have the funding available for any kind of therapy. My girlfriend and I are planning to get married this coming march, and I would love for this burden to be gone from my life, for my sake, and for my soon to be marriages sake.

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Background:

I was introduced to playboy magazines and porno movies when I was around 6-7 years old by my friend's older brother.

Between 6-13 I’d molested at least 6 girls my age or younger, one of them for many years. Most were asleep when this took place, but some knew about it. One was my niece, which was the only one discovered and put an end to before I moved to another state.

(My niece remembers and has forgiven me for the things that I've done to her.)

In 7th grade, 11-12 years old, I found pornography on the internet when trying to do research for a school project, the sites were of teenage girls.

At 13, I moved, and haven’t done anything with girls sense then, though the urges have been there.

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As to the pornography, I’ve been aroused by many different kinds, though the ones more often sought out have been Zoo, Hentia, Disney, Furry (drawn not suits), Loli, and the norm.

My girlfriend knows, and we both agree the Loli must go and sooner the better. I haven't really talked about it with anyone else, except one close friend, mainly out of fear of the consequences. This because of having an Ex-brother in law that is now a registered sex offender. And the last thing I want is to be linked or compared to him by my family or friends.

On the left, Fear and consequences of trying to get help, In the middle the addiction, on the right shame, humiliation, hatred and so forth of the addiction.

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I've been to the point of hurting myself, of not feeling anything, and having my thoughts change from "why?" to "why not?" I've turned from that point, because my rational mind was screaming at me, "this is wrong" and I spoke with my mom and got help and came back from that edge.


I guess in a way, I’m at another edge. I want help, and I know that I need help if I’m to turn away from this.

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Hebephilia is my preferred age range, though when I’m getting a fix, any will do. I find the idea revolting of sexual intercourse with the children revolting, and am sadden by the fact that I know how destructive my addition is to them.

At the same time, the buildup of the need, and during the fix, I stop caring about anything except it, and then afterwards hate myself. The long I’d kept away, the more I hate myself when I fall back into it. Though this is try with any of the pornography.

I'd been away from this for almost a year, though within this last few month I’ve been binging on it.




Is there anything I can do, short of handing myself in, to get this out of my life?

I don't know, dude...

I think self-loathing is destructive and non-coping.
It's not a path to acceptance, peace, harmony, or any other good, inner emotions which bring stability and so on.
And most importantly, self-loathing occupies your mind like a parasite, siphoning what strength you could otherwise have put to use to work around issues by improving yourself in other areas.

It's a mind virus of guilt, a cancer of hatred, an intellectually paralyzing affliction - much like religion can be for some.

So if you for some weird reason think that your girlfriend needs to know everything about you (in every graphic detail possible) - and that you absolutely have to have her acceptance for every part of your inner self, your emotions and thoughts, that which is you - then I would advise you to rethink your plans for marriage.

Now I can't tell you what to do, but had I been in your position, I would actually have said something like: "Honey, you know I love you, but if you want to marry me, then it is going to be me you are marrying and you should know that from time to time I am going to jerk off to material which you don't really need to pre-approve for me."

Alevi wrote:I think self-loathing is destructive and non-coping.
It's not a path to acceptance, peace, harmony, or any other good, inner emotions which bring stability and so on.
And most importantly, self-loathing occupies your mind like a parasite, siphoning what strength you could otherwise have put to use to work around issues by improving yourself in other areas.

It's a mind virus of guilt, a cancer of hatred, an intellectually paralyzing affliction - much like religion can be for some.

Agreed, and the self loathing is after I’m finished. I then try to make a commitment to keep away from it. Sometimes it holds and I keep away for a long time, other times I’m back into it an hour later, other times the next night and so on. And unfortunately, it’s when I’m going back to it so soon that makes me upset the most.

Alevi wrote: So if you for some weird reason think that your girlfriend needs to know everything about you (in every graphic detail possible) - and that you absolutely have to have her acceptance for every part of your inner self, your emotions and thoughts, that which is you - then I would advise you to rethink your plans for marriage.

It’s not about a need to know; she already does know and in general accepts me for me. This isn't a "she wants me to . . . " it’s a "we" and "I" want.

I want to get pornography out of my life all together. I just don't know how to go about accomplishing this. I understand that people think it is natural, but I’ve seen in my life how destructive it is. For me, how I view and interact with people is significantly different when I’ve been away for a while, and while I’m into it heavily.



I'm just not sure how to go about purging myself of this addiction, I don't know if there is a "patch" like there is with smoking. And because of the pedophilia, it’s not like I can just go in and get treatment as the last thing I want is for someone to assume I'm a danger and ruin my life when all I want is help.

Now it’s not like CP is my preference, its more on level with the others. Kind of like food, I get cravings for different kinds at different times. So if I can't get rid of the pornography all together, I want to at least get this out of my rotation.

Hang on, did you say CP when you meant loli cartoons?

I think it is important to be precise and use the right words for the right things, especially when things are a bit unclear, possibly due to muddled thinking - as things usually are, when talking about mental issues.

I also find it a bit weird that you and your girlfriend "agrees" on the loli having to go but the zoo can stay. And that, being like, your decision and not just something that bothers her.

In any event, I think there are really vast differences in how things affect a person, and that one extremely important point which really do decide everything, is if one allows oneself to feel bad about things.

Here's a litte tune about that which I encourage you to whistle at least three times a day: Don't Worry, be Happy.

Here is a little song I wrote
You might want to sing it note for note
Don't worry be happy
In every life we have some trouble
When you worry you make it double
Don't worry, be happy......

Hi AmIBetter,

It sounds to me like this is a straightforward case of 'addiction' to pornography. You should address it as such, rather than being too preoccupied with the content of the pornography; as you say yourself, you don't necessarily prefer child porn. With the latter point in mind, if you do seek any professional help, there's simply no need to mention that it's sometimes child porn you look at. Perhaps the child porn serves to add to the excitement because it's taboo and illegal? As with many addictions, it will be useful to look at why you need to seek the thrills you do, i.e. what's missing or unsatisfactory in the rest of your life, rather than seeing it as specifically an issue with porn.

I had issues with drugs for nigh on a decade. At the time, I justified my out-of-control drug use by telling myself drugs were more fun than 'normal life', which was boring. But for every high there's a low, and as I get older (11 drug-free years later) I appreciate the 'boring', 'normal' middle road more and more, because it's less turbulent. It's about finding peace of mind.

I should add that I think you might find a lot of help in the sexual addiction part of the forum, as I think the paraphilia element is merely a corollary of the main issue. Anyway, good luck!

I think your right that I've just been too preoccupied with the one part because that causes me the most grief. The paranoia about being caught, seeing on the news about those that have been caught and so forth.

Thanks for the advice, I'll make my way over there and see if i can get some help there.