Extreme guilt from incestual arousal

I'm new to this site, and I'm seeking words of wisdom. I'm sick of feeling like a terrible person, and I'm not sure where else to turn. I was doing research and saw many stories similar to that of my own, so I'm hoping maybe I can find some small dose of salvation here.

I'm 18. For the most part, my sex fantasies are normal. Some, not so much. I have never felt bad about any of my fantasies until just recently. I don't know what triggered it, but they are putting me in mental agony. I started having sex at 14. My first time was with an older girl (17). Before that, I had only mastrubated. I had no clue what sex really was. But after that first time, I became a bit obsessive. At first all my fantasies were run-of-the-mill boy stuff. Babysitters, teachers, etc. Then things got more....Taboo. It started with the idea of cheating spouses and extreme age differences, but eventually led to things like incest (which is where my true problem lies), rape assimilation, and beastiality. Now, don't get me wrong, I have morals. The idea of rape, incest, and inter-species for real disgusts me. However, I get a lot of pleasure from reading ficticious stories about incest, and have indulged in videos (that claim they are of incest, I am not sure if they are real or just actors), and beasiality. It doesn't mean I want to act on them, but I get off to the idea. On the other hand, I have actually done rape ASSIMILATION. I did this with an ex girlfriend. She was into it, and had to ask me several times to do it. What scares me is that I didn't mind it. Throughout the course of our relationship, it happened several times. Each time we both enjoyed it.

But as I said, the true guilt I am suffering is from the incest fantasies. I suppose this bothers me so much more because I live with my mom and younger sister. Again, I have never wanted to act on these fantasies. I just feel disgusted that I can enjoy these things while I live with them. My mother has always been my best friend, and my sister idolizes me. I can't imagine how they would look at me if they knew my dirty secret.... My family has always been that of devout Christians, a view I do not share. But I know I cannot tell anyone, because they won't understand. I mean, could you imagine telling your mother you were turned on by such an awful thing? I want help, and peace of mind, but I just don't know what to do. I'm single, so I don't have to worry about a significant other. I only care about my family, and what they think of me. I can't bare the thought of any of them looking on me badly.

I explained everything I can think of right now. I really need advice, and perhaps a kind word. I'm a genuinely good guy. I just don't know what to make of these dark qualities. If I've left anything out, or you have questions in order to give advice, don't hesitate to ask. I need the help.

~concernedflteen

If rape assimilation was something you did with your girlfriend consensually and you both enjoyed it, why the guilt? If incest fantasies are not something you would ever act on, but you enjoy the fantasy itself and know the difference between reality and fantasy...again, why the guilt and where's the harm?

The only theory I can see that makes sense taking into account what you said, is that perhaps you've been a bit unduly and unjustly repressed by your family trying to bring you up to be all religious. I know, trust me, my dad's a pastor and I turned out gay and with ephebophile attractions.

Granted that my dad isn't part of the religious right and is the most compassionate and understanding pastor I've ever met in my entire life, but there's still a strong correlation between feeling extreme guilt or shame and relgion's role in making you feel that way.

Bottom line? Fantasy is in your head, and it seems you've so far done a decent job of separating it from reality and making it something that you enjoy. I think you're dealing with it in a mature fashion.

It's not like you're saying you're sexually attracted to your mom or your sister or any of your family, so I don't really see the harm.

I don't get off on witnessing rape either, but reading stories for some reason sparks my mind. As long as those attractions you have are presented in a fantasy-based environment (through drawings, writing, acting, etc.), I really don't see it as a problem.

Please correct me if I'm misinterpreting you.

My family has always been that of devout Christians, a view I do not share. But I know I cannot tell anyone, because they won't understand. I mean, could you imagine telling your mother you were turned on by such an awful thing? I want help, and peace of mind, but I just don't know what to do. I'm single, so I don't have to worry about a significant other. I only care about my family, and what they think of me. I can't bare the thought of any of them looking on me badly.

As Jesus and the apostles wrote, if you continue to drown in fornication and sexual deviancy then things will continue to go bad for you. You suffer from sexual addiction and pornography so wouldn't you think that the best thing for you would be to abandon it and ask your family for help?

The worst thing you can do is continue to live in secret and try to keep this problem under a blanket, mark it well that sooner or later it will come into the light of day and things will be worse for you being found out than they would be if you came forth.

If your family are true Christian people, they will forgive you as Jesus said...."If your brother falls seven times and returns to ask forgiveness seven times then you forgive him seven times seven and help him overcome that which afflicts him.

You fear your faults, which are reality, and you fear your family's reaction, which may become reality or not. The leap of faith is on you, if you love them and they you then take a deep breath, stand tall and be bold.

I don't know why, but I am truly interested in rational explanation of incestual fantasies
I mean, really... When I was younger, sometimes my arousal was sparkled by fantasies about making out with my sister of the uncle. I really wonder where is this coming from.
Now is see it only as a rule. Yes she is my sister, and we never could make out, but I think that there was some sexual attractiveness that was increased by the thought of the taboo and the forbidden rule. Our thought of power to break the universal rule was really challenging us
Reality is that we aren't close like I am with my closest sister. We see each other only few times a year so she is for me almost every other girl I see in the street.... but its the rule, and rule narrows our freedom and is challenging.
Still, I am not satisfied about with this rational explanation. Why this thought sparkles my arousal more than toward any other girl Because it's forbidden? It's giving me a higher power?

uhh, i hate this, how society makes people feel "Oh that's sick! Disgusting" etc.. Feeling guilty isn't good for your mental health. Thought crimes do not exist. The only people who think they thought crimes exist are the delusional religious people. Fantasy's don't hurt people. You could think anything, thoughts aren't actions, they don't hurt anyone. Incest and rape fantasy's aren't actually that rare either.

Btw, don't listen to Dan... It would be a stupid idea to tell your family about this.

OMG a long ago I thought about killing my physics professor! I am cursed, damned, accursed, blasted damn, condemned, doomed, accurst, cussed, fey, confounded, maledictory, reprobate, gone for a lifetime!

I think that maybe it is a matter about how close are we to be fragile of our control, a situations where we could be challenged with our minds and how close could be the reality with the fantasy.

May I ask, what is rape assimilation? I have only heard of rape.

I once had a girlfriend with a "rape fantasy" and I deliberately put it in inverted commas because she just wanted me to chase and catch her, then struggle to overpower her and have sex with her. She giggled throughout so she wasn't scared. I would not have wanted to do it otherwise, as I have no rape fantasy myself and, indeed, I found this pseudo-rape preamble a bit tedious, as it delayed reaching my destination.

Interestingly, she had been raped in reality a few years before.

Anyway, I have never heard of "rape assimilation" and I wonder what it means.

OnAGoodDay wrote:Btw, don't listen to Dan... It would be a stupid idea to tell your family about this.

I agree with OnAGoodDay, Dan1966 is just spouting the sort of emotionally-repressed, toxic religious nonsense that is so bad for good and rational mental health. Ignore him.

I also agree that you should not make your family uncomfortable by telling them your sexual fantasies, especially since they are involved in them. That would accomplish nothing but causing hurt and confusion.

Better to find a therapist who can help you come to terms with the fantasies, and perhaps reduce their hold on you by getting to the root of why you have them.