This time the whole story, pedo or not ?

> Ok it's a long story.
>
> First off, im a 16 year old boy and my name is michael.
>
> 2 years ago i have been bullied with things like gay, pedo, girl, weirdo, etc
etc. Those things they said were all based on lies, they needed a victem i
guesse.
>
> Since then i alsways had a little doubt about if i was gay or not, i was a
little afraid to be gay but never realy gave it much attention.
> 2 years later ( when i was 16) it became a little worse i started doubting
more and more, i also never had a girlfriend and never kissed a girl.
> Then i fell inlove with a girl of my class, after a month i founf the courage
to tell her that i had feelings for her. And so did she for me. The gay doubt
was completly gone.
> And i had never been happier, through, i read my messages and her over and
over again to see if i may have said something wrong or that she was angry or
anything.
> I went on msn and put myself on offline so that i could see who was online
while they could not see that i was online. Because i thaught that she was
avoiding me.
> When she smiled to another guy i became jalous and immidiatly started to have
theories that she didnt love me anymore and that she was inlove with someone
else.
> After 1.5 months she broke up because she didnt love me anymore.
> I still kept some of her messages, idk why...
>
> Then i started to have gyneacomastia ( guys that get breasts) and i searched
why and i found that 50% of the guys have that in puberty ( and im in puberty)
but i didnt believe it and i found intersexuality
> Intersexuality= people that are born with aswell a vagina and a penis.
> And i started to have theories that i was born that way and that my parent
never told me. So i started to look for symptoms and started to look for scars
on my genitals, searched for baby fotos of my in bath to see if i had scars. I
searched the average length and then compared etc et
> I searched for differences between male and female. I found skull, teets,
leggs, hips and 100 of other things, i started to compare to me to see what i
was.
> When i looked at the mirror i thaught i looked like a girl, in every mirrir,
window i passed i looked at myself to see if i had a male or female face.
> I started to compare noses and ears and everything to girls and guys i know.
> Untill i couldnt take it anymore and told my father i had gyneacomastia.
> And told him that it could be caused by cancer ( it can but i liked the idea
of having cancer more then intersex) and we went to a docter and he said that
everything is normal but i wasnt convinced (not for long) so i kept naging and
we went to make echos, bloodtests, hormone tests etc etc qnd the result was "its
puberty"
> Then i was finally reliefed.
>
> Then after that i started to fear that i was gay again because someone said
that he thaught i was gay.
> I started to test myself by looking at gay porn and then straight porn to then
see if i am aroused or not.
> Started to check if i was attracted to guys. Started to ask 1000 question at
forums and asking questions about gay people.
> I cant realy tell much about this anymore its a little vage.
> I can still recall me have difficultied to mzstrubate on fantasies because
guys kept coming up.
> And having a gay (sexual) dream wich caused me extreme stress, and also that i
was doing 100 "am i gay" tests on the internet to prove myselg that i wasnt gay.
>
> Then this suddenly changed i saw a little boy and thaught he was cute. And
asked myself "what if i am a pedo?" and then the gay doubts were gone .
> I started to dig up things from the past and facts about myself and found zll
these things:
> - when i was 14 i was in germany with and there were 2 guys 1 girl of 10y old
and my sister their. And i remember my fantisizing and mastrubating about that
girl of 10y q couple of times(x10i think)
> - i also like girls that have small breasts even through all of my friends
like big breasts.
> - my only gf i ever had was 16 but looks like she is 13 and has small breasts.
> - i get extreme stress from little girls and cant tell if im attracted.
> - when this doubt started im even having stress while im dreaming qnd having
dreams about it.
> - i like girls wich are smaller then me.
> Since then i've been on extreme stress, i keep reminding myself that before
this doubt i was never intrested(mastrubated) on girls younger then i was, and
that i always liked girls my age.
>
> Add: i also have a little 13-obsession. When i see the clock on like 18:13 it
gived me stress because there is a 13 in it and also (1+8+1+3=13) . i also
always count up the numbers to make sure there is no 13 in it. Or when i stop a
song at 2min38sec (2+3+8) i play it again untill the 13 is out.
> Or i do not listen to the 13th song of my playlist.
>
>
> But that 13 o session isnt realy the problem.
>
> Do you think i have OCD or that i am a pedophile? Or something else ?
>
> Ps: ive never been diagnosed with OCD, my parents dont have it, the closest
therapist is 80km away from me and is to expensive so a therapist is not an
option
>

Add: i remember me alsways looking at porn actresses (that were above 18) but looked way way way younger then they actually are.


Ok whats your honest opinion ?

POCD.

Not a paedophile.

If you're a 16-year-old boy it would be a bit weird not to be attracted to girls up to a few years below you.

At the end of the day, you're attracted to what gets you off. What tips you over the edge when masturbating? Not 'what pops into your head when masturbating', because POCD will plague you even then. It's what gets you really horny and makes you come, if I may be graphic. In this thread and previous ones, there's no evidence whatsoever that little girls get you off.

POCD.

Aaargh...
I started to watch a movie while i had no idea where it was about. I only knew it was horror, and before te movie started i said " god give me a sign of i am a pedophile then let the movie be about a pedophile"
Te movie was about a pedo that raped and killed a littld girl. And the girl ten took revenge as a ghost.
I cant even watch the complete movie...
Im ######6 crying...

My ex doesnt care about me at all she even hates me, i have no friends, ive been rejected lately, my grades at school are so bad that i most likely scruwed up my year already. Before all this ive been bullied and been friendless aswell. My parents are pist off because i keep having bad grades. I cant get a therapist ( too far, expensive)
I dont even know what color i like, i dont even know to who im attracted....i wanna die...

michaelconfused wrote:Aaargh...
I started to watch a movie while i had no idea where it was about. I only knew it was horror, and before te movie started i said " god give me a sign of i am a pedophile then let the movie be about a pedophile"
Te movie was about a pedo that raped and killed a littld girl. And the girl ten took revenge as a ghost.
I cant even watch the complete movie...
Im ######6 crying...

My ex doesnt care about me at all she even hates me, i have no friends, ive been rejected lately, my grades at school are so bad that i most likely scruwed up my year already. Before all this ive been bullied and been friendless aswell. My parents are pist off because i keep having bad grades. I cant get a therapist ( too far, expensive)
I dont even know what color i like, i dont even know to who im attracted....i wanna die...

1) there is no god
2) you're basing your sexual preferences off of a movie
3) you're not a pedophile.

-- Sat Oct 01, 2011 6:52 am --

maybe you're a Grass Ogre. I hear Grass Ogres are into whatever it is you're in to.

Then why am i doubting so much?

Someone told me to search some aticles about POCD and i founs one, it was more about pedophiles actually. And i read it and it said that pedophilas in 70% of the cases also have an other paraphillia like sadism ( and i like BDSM) . And that they also have most likely have a disorder ( like OCD) and that they are restless (like me).
....

i'm done with this. you're not a pedo. give it up.

michaelconfused wrote:Then why am i doubting so much?

You see, if you'd asked 'then why am I so attracted to prepubescent children?', then I'd believe you might be a paedophile. But you didn't. The focus is always the angst and the doubt.

michaelconfused wrote:Someone told me to search some aticles about POCD and i founs one, it was more about pedophiles actually. And i read it and it said that pedophilas in 70% of the cases also have an other paraphillia like sadism ( and i like BDSM).

Think about this. Be critical. How could such a study be reliable when virtually nobody is 'out' as a paedophile? They would have to base it on convicted sex offenders, who are probably (I guess) more likely to be unstable or sadistic. It's a nonsense study and a nonsense statistic, with no hope of being representative. I also think you should be careful with your reasoning. I suspect that 100% of paedophiles have a torso. Do you have a torso? If so, does that automatically mean you're a paedophile?

michaelconfused wrote:And that they also have most likely have a disorder ( like OCD) and that they are restless (like me).

Look up cum hoc ergo propter hoc on Wikipedia.

I cant ask "why am i so attracted to ...."
I dont even know how attraction feels like anymore...

@gina: you said "angst", are you dutch ?

@michaelconfused - Are you a troll?