Please tell me if you think this is pedophilia or pocd?

I am going out of my mind. A few years ago at 21 I was watching a program on the moors murderers, myra hindley and after I watched it I thought 'what if I'm a pedophile and abused a child", the thought never having crossed my mind in the past and it scared the hell out of me. After that I started an endless cycle of checking to see if I found children sexually attractive by looking at them and at pictures of children (nothing sick or illegal) on the internet. After a while it seemed to pass. The whole time I was always attracted to girls my own age and had a healthy sexual relationship with my gf whom I loved very much. But I actually felt these horrible urges while around children like I was going to do something awful. Also, when I looked at a young child, specifically a young girl I actually felt like I was attracted to them, sexually. I never ever got aroused by a child, never fantasised about one and never masturbated about one.

Anyway after that I had this fear of being homosexual for many years, and it manifested itself actually making me feel like I fancied friends of mine, wanted to do sexual things with a man etc. etc.

The fear of being a pedophile is something I never ever thought about during this and I only exclusively had sexual relationships with girls around my own age or older. The same for masturbating. Anyway, the other day I was walking home from work and I saw this guy and girl ahead of me, I assume he was her Dad, but she was dressed in these tiny shorts and flip flops or something. From a distance she looked like she was about 14-15 and I have no problem realising that a man can find a girl of that age sexually attractive, to an extent, given that they so often go out of their way to make themselves seem sexually attractive. But as she got closer, I noticed that she was flat chested and her face looked younger, maybe about 10-12 or so. The whole time I was desperately trying to work out how old she was, but none the less I found like I found her legs sexy or something, and I think I may have looked at her legs again and enjoyed it. I feel like I crossed a line or something and actually deliberately looked at her legs and found them sexy. The whole time I was checking too to see if I found her legs attractive. After this I felt absolutely disgusted with myself that I found a young girls legs attractive and deliberately looked at them as she walked past.

Now I'm convinced that I'm attracted to young girls again. It's something that hasn't bothered me at all in years, but now I can't even seem to find a girl of my own age attractive. I look at women of my own age and feel like all of a sudden I don't find them sexy or attractive, and that I only feel attracted to little girls. Ugrhrh. This has all happened in the last 2 days. I am 26 years old, have a girlfriend of the same age that I love very much, we have a very healthy sex life. I have NEVER fantasised about having sex with a child, I have never looked at a child sexually and desired them or anything like that. I have utterly no desire to have a relationship with a child, nor to have sex with a child. I hope.

I appreciate there are people on here that call themselves pedophiles and think it's acceptable to feel sexually attracted to children, and while I find it abhorrent and definitely unnatural to be attracted to children I am not going to judge those people. I have no interest in people coming in here and telling me it's fine to fantasise over children. In fact I am wary to even post on here because there seems to be a lot of pedophiles on here that don't seem to have a problem with being attracted to children and see it as 'fine'. Well, to me it most definitely is not fine and I know I could never ever be comfortable feeling attracted to children. The idea that I may be attracted to children is utterly heartbreaking to me. But I am scared and worried that I looked at this girls legs and found them sexy. They were definitely not the legs of a pre-pubescent child. They were way more developed. But the whole time I'm writing this I just feel like I'm in denial and that they really were clearly the legs of a child, and even so I looked at them and found them attractive. But the things is, if that's the case, why would I never have ever done this in the past? I just don't think it is. I'm sure that from a distance she looked older and she had legs that could've been on a 14-17 year old and sexually mature girl. Even so, I can't deny that I found her legs appealling in some way.

That is one thing, but now I actually feel like I'm not attracted to girls my own age, all of a sudden. It tears me apart that when I talk to my gf now I feel like I'm not attracted to her, and when I look at a young girl I actually feel like I am attracted to her. I'm very wary of posting this here, and I probably shouldn't be because I'm sure that pedophiles are gonna come in here and tell me 'its ok' to be attracted to young children, and normal and that I should embrace it and all the rest, but no, I'm not going to, that just isn't me. I very much doubt that if I was a pedophile I'd never have any desires/attractions/arousals to children before the age of 26 and that they'd come on all of a sudden.

Through puberty I never ever fantasised over young girls, only over sexually mature women. I have always loved big tits on women and have never fantasised or looked at younger immature looking girls. Am I worrying about nothing? Is this the ocd playing tricks with my mind? What scares me the most is that when i look at a cute, young girl now, I feel like I'm attracted to them. and it's a horrible feeling. I never had any sexual experiences as a child, apart from seeing a porn mag when I was about 10 or so and getting aroused by it, I was never abused or anything like that. What's ironic is that while i was convinced I was gay I'd do anything to be rid of it, but now I wish I thought i was gay again instead of worried about being a pedophile. I mean I'd rather have anything on my conscience than be convinced I found little girls sexually attractive. It's horrible.

OCD.

This is classic POCD, especially the part about watching a show on sex offenders and then suddenly wondering if you're attracted to children. Also the fact that you worried about being homosexual in the past (HOCD) is more evidence that you're just suffering from OCD. There are some posts on here where I'm unable to say for sure whether it's POCD or genuine pedophilia, but yours is certainly not one of them. Your attraction to women your own age suddenly going away is your mind playing tricks on you. The anxiety is overriding your sex drive and causing you not to be aroused. Hate to break it to ya man, but you're normal!

nobody95 wrote:I never ever got aroused by a child, never fantasised about one and never masturbated about one.

You've anwered your own question.

So why did I deliberately check out this girls legs and find them attractive even if I could see she was young after she got closer to me? And find them sexy? I'm sure they looked like the legs of an older more developed girl, but I can't be sure. I'm terrified it'll happen again.

Also now when my gf talks to me I get these horrible thoughts that I'd rather be with a child and it feels like I get irritated when she says how much she loves me, because I feel like I can't reciprocate it, because I all of a suden can't feel anything for her and convinced i'm a pedophile.

Surely I'd know before this girl walked past and I saw her legs that I wanted to be with a child and was aroused by children? I just want my old self back to fancy girls of my own age and feel turned on by them and enjoy being with my gf.

What I'm scared about is that I was drawn to looking at her legs because they looked child like and not like those of a developed girl. I'm pretty sure that's not why though. But I'm terrified I 'lost control' or something and my true pedophilic desires came out when I didn't have a handle on it and I checked out a child because she looked like a young girl. I really hope that's not what happened. I hope I looked at her legs and found them attractive because they resembled an older and developed girls legs.

What would have been both funny and practical, was if there were a script running in the backend that checked for the occurrence of the word "pocd" together with a new thread from a poster with few posts, and automatically made the thread invisible to everybody but the poster, and also generated canned responses impersonating many frequent posters to the tune of:

• Yep, it's POCD
• Sounds like POCD to me
• POCD is in da house, everybody!
• We've got a POCD yet again!
• That's a POCD if I've ever seen one
• Well I'll be darned if it isn't a POCD
• Did you guys see that POCD in the OP?
• Wow, worst case of galloping imagination I have ever seen.
• Oh, and yes, POCD

Funniest thing is that it might actually have helped, too.

Can I just ask - did the pedophiles on here become aware of their attraction to children at a younger age? I'm nearly 26 and all of a sudden it feels like I can't get off to mature women, not that i've tried to masturbate to children, nor do I think I could get off to it even if I forced myself to think about them.

I still can't understand why I was drawn to looking at that young girls legs, and found them sexy. I'm sure it's because they looked like an older girls legs, but I feel like I deliberately looked at them and enjoyed it. I just see that as being a pedophile.

Never before have I felt like I'm no longer attracted to people my own age and it terrifies me. When I see a pretty young girl I have this awful feeling that I'm attracted to them. It does not arouse me, and it causes me huge distress. I never picture them naked or fantasise about them. Do most pedophiles know they are a pedophile as they start to develop sexually? they become aware that they are attracted to children?

I keep getting these horrible urges telling me to look at child porn, and feel like I actually want to look at it, but I refuse to. I also think that if I were to look at it that I'd find it a turn on, or in my mind it'd feel like a turn on but not actually arouse me. I don' think I could actually get physically aroused by a child. I've never once got 'hard' to a child or anything of that sort. I've only ever had relationships with adult women or women of my own or very similar age, but now it feels like when I look at an adult girl, I feel nothing. I honestly don't know what to do. I am convinced that because i looked at that girls legs - I mean she might have been 10-13, who knows, but I'm sure i found her legs attractive. Surely someone who wasn't a pedophile wouldn't find her legs attractive and deliberately look at them? What terrifies me is that I'm sure that's never happened before. Maybe it has and I never freaked out about it. On top of that, I've been diagnosed with ocd and sought help before but now I feel like I'm not even motivated to do so. I guess because I believe that it's not ocd and that even if I did have help it wouldn't work in the long term.

The irony is, that when I initially had worries of being a pedophile like 5 years ago, it seemed to vanish after a few months. This is when I was 21. Then for YEARS I became convinced I was homosexual and worried about that and never ever thought that I was attracted to children. I wish I could feel motivated to get some help. The fact that I feel so unenthusiastic to go for more therapy just reinforces my fears that I am really a pedophile and enjoy being one, and don't want to get help.

It kills me. I love my girlfriend very much and always enjoyed having sex with her, masturbating to thoughts of her having sex to her, pictures of her breasts or whatever. Now it feels like I couldn't even get off to that. I wish that I actually felt like I wanted to get help. It's like I can't motivate myself to get help.

I think pedos get stuck on a certain age. Like:
They are 10 and like 10y olds
They are 14 still like 10y olds
They are 16 still like 10y olds
They are 20 still like 10y olds.

I think it works that way but im not sure

That's not what I mean, I'm sure they have a preference but I was wondering at what age does it become evident that they are sexually attracted to children? What age does it become apparent that they are aroused by this, and get off to this?

I know what you mean. Thing is, that never happened to me. I always liked girls my own age, as I got older.