Attraction, jailbait, WhatTheHellCanIDoAboutThis I hate me

To prevent my usual additions to text when necessary, I'm gonna get the basic background info out now.

I'm 17
I'm a transman pre HRT but presenting male. Because of this, I pass but I look about 14-15
My boyfriend is 20, 21 in December. He's clueless about most of this $#%^, though has commented on occasional "feeling like a pedo" for being in a relationship with someone still in high school.
lolthat'sfunny. I asked him out and I'm the dominant one.
Mk, so. Dealing with a lot of past abuse/neglect. Sexual abuse from peers, neglect and physical abuse confirmed via parents, SA from them in question (I'm missing a lot of my memory)
May or may not matter, I identify as pansexual. *shrug*

Back to age, technically I'm underage even though I'm over the age of consent in most places. Technically we could be charged with statutory ( ) So this kinda complicates my problem..

Im attracted to, basically, middle school age kids. I'm a SENIOR in high school, my twin's bf's lil bro (13) should not be attractive.
Boys and girls, again I'm not overly picky on gender/sex.
Hitting about 11 is when it's starts getting "...no. They're a child" and my brain shuts off attraction. Maybe 10ish for girls - the whole 'hitting puberty earlier' thing.
I am disgusted by myself and want to die.

I'd had this under control for awhile. Like. Ok, not "this". But my sex drive. Tight grip on it, out when appropriate. Refusing to date anyone younger than me (my ex is about to turn 19.. current 21), my minimum age for "appropriate" to date is 16 and I don't give a flying ###$ that I'm hypocritical in saying that dating significantly older than me isn't a problem.

Not helping anything, I'm getting seriously mixed messages. The kid's older brother, I'd told him what was going on a few days ago basically to say "don't leave me alone with the kid" - I thought I'd get beat up then and there but...
Lane's a dumbass.
and yesterday ended up unintentionally leaving me alone in the same room with him.
I did nothing, I swear. except be a major jerk to drive him off. It kinda worked, it more got the attention of brother/my twin and *they* made him leave.

Longass chat. Got myself smacked around a bit but not beat how I feel I deserve, they still trust me. I don't get it.

The kid, who I briefly talked to today basically to spell out why someone else needs to be around if he wants to chat - thinks i'm cool. WHAT? Im a threat.


I hate myself.
I want to die.
I've lost control of my thoughts, and I'm terrified I'm going to loose control of my actions.

yes i'm capable of holding a "healthy" relationship with someone my own ageish,
This isn't ok. This isn't right. I
don't like that people honestly feel it's valid sexual attraction, it's abusive to the kids in question.
...madesomuchharderbythefactthatI'mstilljailbait....


Yeah this was an essay. If anyone can help without trying to tell me just to 'go with it' or whatever - I don't want that, made that clear enough? - then please, respond.

Welcome. I'm also 17, male, and am a nonexclusive pedophile. I'm attracted to both boys and girls, but my primary attraction is to boys ages 3-8, though I'm completely attracted up to the point that puberty is obvious. I am also currently quitting an addiction to CP, and am now 13 weeks clean.

While I DO NOT advocate that sex with minors should be allowed, I will tell you that you should try your hardest not to be ashamed at your attractions. You didn't pick them, and as long as you don't act out on them, you've done nothing wrong.

I'm not totally understanding what you mean when you say that you're a transman pre HRT. Can you clarify?

It seems quite common for people who have suffered a lot of abuse/neglect in the past to be really confused about their sexuality. If I were you, I'd seek therapy. I tried going the hard route by avoiding therapy for half a year, and I think I just barely came out of it. I was a complete wreck, somewhat suicidal, etc. Therapy has been great for me, and I am now on an antidepressant that is working great.

Would you consider trying therapy?

Musicman wrote:Welcome. I'm also 17, male, and am a nonexclusive pedophile. I'm attracted to both boys and girls, but my primary attraction is to boys ages 3-8, though I'm completely attracted up to the point that puberty is obvious. I am also currently quitting an addiction to CP, and am now 13 weeks clean.

Porn.. heh. goes back to the "heavy control of sex drive"
That and I honestly prefer erotica. There was one i was reading that was... borderline child? She was made a kid again (don't remeber where I got it, don't think I can share anyway)
Stopped reading it because I got stuck between "hot" and "I make myself sick"

Musicman wrote:While I DO NOT advocate that sex with minors should be allowed, I will tell you that you should try your hardest not to be ashamed at your attractions. You didn't pick them, and as long as you don't act out on them, you've done nothing wrong.

Not keen on the idea of thought police?

Musicman wrote:I'm not totally understanding what you mean when you say that you're a transman pre HRT. Can you clarify?

Google Female-To-Male Transexual
Really means I lack penis (I'm suuureeee this no helpy me in anything -_-) and look a few years younger than I am.

Musicman wrote:It seems quite common for people who have suffered a lot of abuse/neglect in the past to be really confused about their sexuality. If I were you, I'd seek therapy. I tried going the hard route by avoiding therapy for half a year, and I think I just barely came out of it. I was a complete wreck, somewhat suicidal, etc. Therapy has been great for me, and I am now on an antidepressant that is working great.

Yeaahhh. I'm semi being pushed semi willingly finding myself in a privateish therapy arrangement with a guy who's pretty compassionate and non judging (he can put up with my 14y/o sister, he can put up with me lol)
Meds I'm iffy about, I rarely take what Im on (seziures) properly. lol
but if it *really* got to that point, I'd do it..

flying wrote:Not keen on the idea of thought police?

That's tough to talk about. I control my fantasies as best I can. When they enter my head, I push them out as quickly as I can. But I also know that I'm not a bad person for doing this. It's more because I'm working on reconditioning my sexuality with my therapist's advice. It also seems to lessen the desire to view any CP. I've vowed to never watch any ever again.

flying wrote:Google Female-To-Male Transexual
Really means I lack penis (I'm suuureeee this no helpy me in anything -_-) and look a few years younger than I am.

Okay, that's what I thought you meant. Just wanted to be sure :p. I don't know too much about that. That's called Gender Dysphoria, right? I know nothing about how that relates to sexuality, but you've obviously dealt with a lot of confusion in the past, and that may be reason to believe that with time and effort, your situation may improve upon itself.

flying wrote:Yeaahhh. I'm semi being pushed semi willingly finding myself in a privateish therapy arrangement with a guy who's pretty compassionate and non judging (he can put up with my 14y/o sister, he can put up with me lol)
Meds I'm iffy about, I rarely take what Im on (seziures) properly. lol
but if it *really* got to that point, I'd do it..

Shortly after I started taking Zoloft, I felt like 500 pounds were just lifted off of my shoulders. I don't always feel so depressed, and most of my anxieties are virtually non-existent. I'm not saying to go on meds if you don't need them, but if you feel yourself starting to spiral, you should take it into consideration.

Musicman wrote:

flying wrote:Not keen on the idea of thought police?

That's tough to talk about. I control my fantasies as best I can. When they enter my head, I push them out as quickly as I can. But I also know that I'm not a bad person for doing this. It's more because I'm working on reconditioning my sexuality with my therapist's advice. It also seems to lessen the desire to view any CP. I've vowed to never watch any ever again.

Yeah.. Heh. Said fantasies. I used to be really good at shoving them away, now i've been lingering on them.
That's really what was bugging me.
Normal people can say "cute kid" and move on, I used to be able to make myself move on, now it's starting to... not be so easy?

good for the vow not to watch.
Too many kids get hurt in the making of that $#%^, especially at your target.
/doesn't consider 16+"child" anymore, makes no attempt anyway it's still illegal

Musicman wrote:

flying wrote:Google Female-To-Male Transexual
Really means I lack penis (I'm suuureeee this no helpy me in anything -_-) and look a few years younger than I am.

Okay, that's what I thought you meant. Just wanted to be sure :p. I don't know too much about that. That's called Gender Dysphoria, right? I know nothing about how that relates to sexuality, but you've obviously dealt with a lot of confusion in the past, and that may be reason to believe that with time and effort, your situation may improve upon itself.

Yup that's the term. It's not directly to sexuality, but confusion and anger... it comes out in a lot of $#%^.

Musicman wrote:

flying wrote:Yeaahhh. I'm semi being pushed semi willingly finding myself in a privateish therapy arrangement with a guy who's pretty compassionate and non judging (he can put up with my 14y/o sister, he can put up with me lol)
Meds I'm iffy about, I rarely take what Im on (seziures) properly. lol
but if it *really* got to that point, I'd do it..

Shortly after I started taking Zoloft, I felt like 500 pounds were just lifted off of my shoulders. I don't always feel so depressed, and most of my anxieties are virtually non-existent. I'm not saying to go on meds if you don't need them, but if you feel yourself starting to spiral, you should take it into consideration.

Definately on list then.. jesus, really?
How quickly jw

Yeah.. Heh. Said fantasies. I used to be really good at shoving them away, now i've been lingering on them.
That's really what was bugging me.
Normal people can say "cute kid" and move on, I used to be able to make myself move on, now it's starting to... not be so easy?

good for the vow not to watch.
Too many kids get hurt in the making of that $#%^, especially at your target.
/doesn't consider 16+"child" anymore, makes no attempt anyway it's still illegal

It can be really hard. I've been talking with my therapist about the physical connection that's made in your brain during masturbation/sex. The problem is that if you continue to nurture the fantasies and make use of them, the connection strengthens.

I'm kind of really strange. It's not just enough that I'd never harm a child. I deeply care about them. I'd do ANYTHING to take a child out of an abusive situation. I'd probably kill the abuser if that's what was necessary. I'd give my own life to save that of a child's. Hearing about abuse disgusts me.

Definately on list then.. jesus, really?
How quickly jw

Zoloft tends to be a really common one for a first attempt because it seems to usually be the most successful with the least side effects. I started out on 25mg for 5 days so that my body would get used to it, and then jumped up to 50mg. It was then about 3 or 4 days before everything got much better. I think I reacted faster than most.

Musicman wrote:It can be really hard. I've been talking with my therapist about the physical connection that's made in your brain during masturbation/sex. The problem is that if you continue to nurture the fantasies and make use of them, the connection strengthens.

Read; don't jerk off to said fantasies?

Musicman wrote:I'm kind of really strange. It's not just enough that I'd never harm a child. I deeply care about them. I'd do ANYTHING to take a child out of an abusive situation. I'd probably kill the abuser if that's what was necessary. I'd give my own life to save that of a child's. Hearing about abuse disgusts me.

thank you!

*shrug* When you're raised with the "all pedos are heartless evil people" mentality that basically everyone is, making connection of "this isn't true" is... Odd? IDK.

Musicman wrote:Zoloft tends to be a really common one for a first attempt because it seems to usually be the most successful with the least side effects. I started out on 25mg for 5 days so that my body would get used to it, and then jumped up to 50mg. It was then about 3 or 4 days before everything got much better. I think I reacted faster than most.

Wow..

flying wrote:That and I honestly prefer erotica. There was one i was reading that was... borderline child? She was made a kid again (don't remeber where I got it, don't think I can share anyway)

Age regression.

Though, if it involved sex, I'd also count it as pedophilia.

Divinorum wrote:

flying wrote:That and I honestly prefer erotica. There was one i was reading that was... borderline child? She was made a kid again (don't remeber where I got it, don't think I can share anyway)

Age regression.

Though, if it involved sex, I'd also count it as pedophilia.

Yeah... It was an interesting series, though i never finished it because it hit me wtf i was reading and getting off on.

Out of curiosity, do you consider ageplay appropriate or not when dealing with this stuff? (Yeah. I'm way too sexual for my age)

I don't see anything wrong with ageplay. I dabbled in it myself when I was fifteen, pretending I was twenty-four... pretending I was six. For me, though, sexual content or sexualising the 'children' in it has always been a major turn-off and I kept the hell away from it. I consider the age regression element to be physically and emotionally arousing enough in itself. As far as I'm concerned, anything between consenting adults is basically fine, even if they're play-acting not being adults. ... Of course, I was underage, so that was wrong of me.

But there's a definite difference between an age regression fantasy and an ageplay one, though the two could easily cross over. In fact it's the crossover that makes me theorise it would be possible for any pedophile, with training, to actually condition their paraphilia to something different, like ageplay, paraphilic infantilism or age regression. They all, in some way, involve childhood as a central theme.

I'd try not to worry too much about your attractions. I know that sounds useless, having been suicidal about my own once. But if you hold on, one day it's going to not seem like such a huge thing. I used to worry, in the opposite vein to above, that I was 'becoming' a danger to children. I wasn't, and I would never ever do anything to hurt a child. As for the 13-year-old, you're only 17 yourself, and for now, I don't think your friends will see the age gap as such an abhorrent thing, if that helps at all. NOT that that means you're okay to try anything with him. Just keep in mind, people have a very big difference in perception between a 50-year-old being attracted to a young teen, and an older teen being attracted to a younger teen.