Help Urgently Needed (Hebephilia)

Can I speak honestly? I can...

hasap wrote:Hello

I am a 26 year old male from London.

I have Pure OCD and a history of depression and used to have severe anxiety.

Who doesn't? Welcome to capitalism.

I have been unemployed for 3 years and find myself without many friends.

Like 10 million other people in London pretty much.

I have struggled with a pornography addiction (never ever watched CP).

Porn is gross. Adult sexuality is disgusting. Sex is a sexually transmitted disease. You should check out preteen-modeling. It's cute. Unlike pornography which degrades women and children. And men.

I don't go round fantasising about underage girls on a regular basis,

I do.

I never do it.

I always do it.

In fact, I make it an issue for me not to check out anyone under 21.

I never much look at anyone over 21.

But,

And...

Just over a week ago I was watching an action film and started having bad thoughts about a girl in the movie.

How can thoughts be bad?

She was 13/14.

3/4 year-olds can be sexy.

I then fantasied and acted out on the thoughts by masturbating to the thoughts.

Ok. Why not?

I am now absolutely devastated.

Lol.

I cannot sleep and I am constant fear.

That's because you live in a culture of fear and terror called the UK brother.

I am even getting chest pains.

Me too. I've got huge scars, like 80 stitches or something....

It was completely wrong and disgusting what I did and I will never ever do it again.

You crack me up bro.

I was feeling very low (about my job and whole life situation that night I did it) but know that this is not an excuse.

What is the Universe?

Do you exist?

Is it true your body is made of 100 trillion cells?

Just sayin'...

Will this worry go away?

Up to you.

I think I have had these urges throughout my life but I have suppressed them.

Me too I guess. It's only in the past few months I realized men and boys could be attractive openly to myself. How blind was I?! Men are kind of gross I still think. But fem-boys are totally cute. How did I not full see that before! Lol.

I had pure ocd about hebephilia and pedophilia but I guess it turned out not to be ocd afterall (with the hebephilia). I am not a pedophile.

I like girls. And boys.

And women. Some anyway.

Maybe men if they are my friends?

Even transgender.... Trans-kids... Amazing!

I have no problem with myself at all bro. Not sure what you are stressing about? You are funny to me.

I have told my sister and she says I should see a psychiatrist.

Maybe this psychiatrist can help you? Thomas Szasz,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qj7GmeSAxXo

Just sayin'...

I am already seeing one for other problems.

Do you have drapetomania?

This is going to be a new thing I have to declare.

Declare it at customs too ok? Lol.

My question is, how do I know I can trust the psychiatrist?

You can't. Don't.

Will he/she (don't know who it is as I'm getting a new one) report me to the authorities.

Contact B4UACT:

http://b4uact.org/

http://b4uact.org/peersupport.htm

I want to talk to the psychiatrist about the anxiety I am now feeling rather than my small (but dangerous) hebephilic tendencies.

According to Frantz Fanon who is also a psychiatrist, revolution is the best treatment,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VfUdOREnsDo

Thanks

Ok.

hasap wrote:Hello

I am a 26 year old male from London.

I have Pure OCD and a history of depression and used to have severe anxiety. I have been unemployed for 3 years and find myself without many friends. I have struggled with a pornography addiction (never ever watched CP).

I don't go round fantasising about underage girls on a regular basis, I never do it. In fact, I make it an issue for me not to check out anyone under 21.

But,

Just over a week ago I was watching an action film and started having bad thoughts about a girl in the movie. She was 13/14. I then fantasied and acted out on the thoughts by masturbating to the thoughts. I am now absolutely devastated. I cannot sleep and I am constant fear. I am even getting chest pains. It was completely wrong and disgusting what I did and I will never ever do it again. I was feeling very low (about my job and whole life situation that night I did it) but know that this is not an excuse. Will this worry go away?

I think I have had these urges throughout my life but I have suppressed them. I had pure ocd about hebephilia and pedophilia but I guess it turned out not to be ocd afterall (with the hebephilia). I am not a pedophile.

I have told my sister and she says I should see a psychiatrist. I am already seeing one for other problems. This is going to be a new thing I have to declare. My question is, how do I know I can trust the psychiatrist? Will he/she (don't know who it is as I'm getting a new one) report me to the authorities. I want to talk to the psychiatrist about the anxiety I am now feeling rather than my small (but dangerous) hebephilic tendencies.

Thanks

Hi, hasap! I'm glad you're thinking about getting help for this. You haven't done anything wrong, I don't think a psych would have to report you. Try to find someone decent who makes you feel comfortable and doesn't make you feel judged but helps you make progress too. It's going to be ok.

Nanook wrote:

She was 13/14.

3/4 year-olds can be sexy.

Nanook wrote:

I am now absolutely devastated.

Lol.

Nanook, considering how you're not taking this poster seriously and other stuff you've said, I have decided to put you on the moderation preview. Any post you make will have to be approved by a moderator first.

Hi hasap.

It sounds very much like this is part of your POCD. To be honest, if (as you say) you generally only look at women above the age of 21 and if (as you also seem to suggest) your attraction to a 13/14-year-old girl in a film was a one-off (bearing in mind also that people on film and in photos generally look older than they are) then I really don't see there being a problem. I don't think there's any question of hebephilia based on the information you've presented, but your thoughts here are very characteristic of POCD.

If it reassures you further, a heterosexual male being attracted to girls of reproducing age is neither a crime nor abnormal. Do you think your sexual instinct adheres to legislation (which, by the way, is for the purposes of prohibiting sexual acts, not sexual attraction)? Bearing in mind that biology trumps legislation when it comes purely to attraction, in what way would you think it strange or abhorrent for a man to look at a girl of reproducing age and be aroused?

I'm playing devil's advocate to your conscience, because I think when it comes to POCD the brain likes to pick up social prohibitions and amplify them. It's guilt and anxiety that you feel, right? So perhaps reassurance that 1) this is your POCD talking and 2) there's nothing wrong with being aroused by a girl of reproducing age (so long as you don't try to screw her, if you'll excuse the coarse language) will help you find an element of calm until you can take things like this up with your next therapist.

Good luck!

Thanks for the replies except Nanooks.

It would be great if it was POCD but I don't think it is. Well, maybe partly. But the whole thing about POCD is that you NEVER ACT on the thoughts. Just the thought alone is disturbing enough. I knew how wrong it was while I was doing it but still did it. I have a history of impulse control disorder, i.e. I had
Trichotillomania when I was young (used to uncontrollably pull out eyelashes and eyebrows). But this I grew out of in my early teens.

But in a way, maybe its linked. I don't know. Because as you say, with POCD, the brain picks up social stigmas and amplifies them. Maybe that's why I did it. I am broken now. I feel like I can't recover from this. All my POCD has increased as a result of this one stupid action. My life has stopped (not that I had much of a one anyway but all my plans: my music, my business I was planning on starting and getting a girlfriend has all come to a stop and I'm in a very deep hole).

But I have never heard of anyone acting on a POCD thought. I talked to a psychologist and he said if you do, then it is a different thing altogether.

Finding a therapist is going to be a problem. No one in London seems to deal with this (I have seen a couple in the States). Do you think I can get over it without a therapist?

-- Tue Aug 02, 2011 1:54 pm --

Oh yeah,

Not that I don't appreciate your helping views but to say that it is natural or ok to have these thoughts as long as you don't act on them doesn't make me feel better and it is wrong. I believe we are all reincarnated and if these thoughts are not subdued and overcome we will have to deal with them in our next lives and they could be even worse.

Hmm, well I'm afraid I don't feel qualified to help you if you feel something is simply wrong because it is wrong (which is rather an unsatisfying tautology, easily countered by the equally unsatisfying 'it's right because it's right'). Biology says differently, my friend.

Anyway, not wanting to have a go at you. What concerns me most is that you still think you're a hebephile who has acted on his thoughts: you were attracted to one underage (underage being a legal term, not a biological one) girl and you had a wank. I wish you could see that the fact that this troubles you so much is typical of POCD. I've seen a few POCD people on here and their tone is always the same borderline panic with no general attraction to pubescent/pre-pubescent minors to ground that fear in reality. Ask yourself:

Are you attracted predominantly to girls aged 11-14? No. So you're not a hebephile.

Have you done anything other than had a quick wank? No. So you're not a child molestor.

I've masturbated to porn involving guys and no women. It happens once in a blue moon. I'm generally not attracted to guys. I'm not worried about it. It doesn't mean I'm straight or bi. Sexuality is resistant to neat little categories like that.

hasap wrote:Not that I don't appreciate your helping views but to say that it is natural or ok to have these thoughts as long as you don't act on them doesn't make me feel better and it is wrong.

Hokay.

So then.

Tell me how to make you feel better, and after you have done that, tell me why I should make you feel better.

Alevi wrote:

hasap wrote:Not that I don't appreciate your helping views but to say that it is natural or ok to have these thoughts as long as you don't act on them doesn't make me feel better and it is wrong.

Hokay.

So then.

Tell me how to make you feel better, and after you have done that, tell me why I should make you feel better.

We are all imperfect. I am not trying to condemn you as I have (with a POCD twist maybe) the thoughts myself. But the aim of life is to realise that and then purify our minds through mediation and a spiritual lifestyle. I think we are suffering from these thoughts and urges because of our inability to control them stemming back lifetimes.

I just wanted to point our that when people say its natural to have them as long as you don't act on them, discourages people from controlling the thoughts and makes them think they can carry on thinking about them as long as they don't act on them. But this is dangerous, as I believe, even if you don't act on them in this life, you may well end up doing so in a future one.

I don't think I was attracted to her to the extent the action I did may indicate.

This thought popped into my mind (which the film itself triggered). I then started 'thinking about thinking' about fantasising about her. This then led me to think that I got to follow it through now as thinking about thinking about fantasising is as good as fantasising. This was typical of my porn addiction. I would see a music video with a women in a short skirt or whatever and then if I carried on looking and changed the channel back to it, I would then feel like I have committed the act of pornography already. This would then lead me to viewing hardcore pornography. This is all driven by fear. After it, I would feel ashamed and guilty.

This may have been at play in this situation to an extent, but entirely, I don't know. But yeah, maybe there is an element of impulse control disorder with a weird POCD formula that lead to this?

hasap wrote:We are all imperfect.

Are we? I thought we were all alive. What does "perfection" mean, to you?

hasap wrote:But the aim of life is to realise that and then purify our minds through mediation and a spiritual lifestyle.

Oh. And here I thought the aim of life was to live. Maybe you want something other than life?

hasap wrote:I think we are suffering from these thoughts and urges because of our inability to control them stemming back lifetimes.

I think it is troublesome and unproductive that religion and spirituality is not considered a mental illness that it is legitimate to offer therapy for.

If it were, an ill mind could not just simply move its delusions to some taboo nonsense-domain, but would have to relate to the question "why do you think there is a life after this" and "is there some problem that you specifically have with coping in general that makes you think life in general for everybody else is sinful or imperfect".

Lots of crazy and misfit people turn to religion and then demand respect for their delusions, when they instead should have gotten help.

hasap wrote:I just wanted to point our that when people say its natural to have them as long as you don't act on them, discourages people from controlling the thoughts and makes them think they can carry on thinking about them as long as they don't act on them.

But you can't control your thoughts anyway, now can you.

And it is okay to have thoughts, regardless of how much you disagree with that.
What is more dangerous, is to repress yourself.

hasap wrote:But this is dangerous, as I believe, even if you don't act on them in this life, you may well end up doing so in a future one.

The difference between me and a therapist is that I am not a therapist.

Hence I am not being paid to listen to idle nonsense.