I gotta get this out of me!

I started off being comfortable around kids way younger than my self over being around or talking with adults, I don't remember when it started but I would be attracted to boys at first i think then started being attracted to girls, it was all ways the smart ones. I've never acted on my urges, or ideas, but they are strong and I know hate is the only response I could ever get by shareing this problem. I don't care if no one believes me, or leaves hate replys, I just wanted to get it out.

Well, you've come to the right place! First discovering your attraction can be quite overwhelming and distract you from every day life. I know that this experience is different for everyone, but one thing remains constant: learning more about your attraction may help you to grow more comfortable with it.

When I first discovered that I was a having an attraction to young boys, I was shocked but curious to know the whys and hows, eager to seek information but scared to think about it. Slowly I learned some positive affirmations to the many negative thoughts I had, such as others finding out or that I was a monster. "Obviously," I eventually began to think, "nobody will know unless I let them know or do something to give them reason to believe such a thing, and I don't do anything that would lead them to think of me this way." If you aren't going around advertising it, even subtly, nobody will have reason to believe that you are a pedophile.

And on the monster thing - "Being attracted to a child does not make me a monster." After several months of having the attraction without signs of its fading, I began to believe, "The reason(s) I have this attraction are out of my control, and I am not at fault for anything." Thus, certainly not a monster.

I don't know if you have these worries, but I know these are a couple I had when first discovering my pedophilia. Believe it or not, there are people here that will approach your situation with understanding and not hate. I only wish I could say the same for people you physically see on a day to day basis, or for those I see on a daily. Having this attraction can be a burden or worse at times, but it doesn't have to be an absolute misery. Learning to love an nourish oneself as an individual with unique needs and characteristics is something I know helps many mental and emotional issues.

I'm about the same as you encephalo, knowing I cant control it, and trying to be comfortable with it, instead of beating my self up over it like I used to do, sink or swim basicly, and yes I do have self control over my body, just so no one mis-reads me. And yes i've noticed, there are alot! of people who get some thrill out of abuseing any one with this problem. I just had to say some thing, it's been driveing me crazy for years. One time I was alone with I think three young girls in the woods, these ideas started flooding into my mind, vivid things I could do with them, any time that happens I try to get out of the situation and get around another adult, and if I cant I just wait it out. May be i will talk about it some more later, its late, thanks for replying encephalo.

It is a hard deal.

On the situation where you were in the woods with the girls - you could try thinking of it this way. Not trying to encourage any kind of behavior, but I found this helps with me feeling guilty over thinking erotic and sexual thoughts about boys. You could try replace the girls with adult women in that situation (assuming you are also attracted to adult women), or other adult counterparts, and see if you would have had the same thoughts in the same situation. More often than not, I've found I would have the same thoughts about grown men as I would boys. This helps me to further accept my thoughts as natural in my situation and it keeps me from beating up on myself for having said thoughts.

I think that's the main thing here, with this problem, not beating up on ones self when the negitive attributes surface. Sure thinking innocently about a young girl how her face is pretty and wanting to kiss is about the same as I would feel about some one my age with the same qualitys, thats a nice feeling, but still can't do it obviously. The negitive attributes are the sexual ideas, the urges, the visual situations in doing things with a child, those are the ones I get depressed about, the ones which cause the most anxiety. I do think of the ones I start liking as adults, even talk with them that way, but some times there confusion is apparent, I don't just broadly like any little girl I see, I have *quality* of mind prefrences. I also have schizoaffective d\o & panic d\o. I have rambled enough for now, if there is more I guess you will reply encephalo, or I will, or some one will.

When faced with sexual thoughts and fantasies involving young boys, I have encountered similar forms of anxiety and depression. To counter this, I approach my thoughts as what they are: my own personal thoughts and fantasies. They come naturally to me and the desire behind them comes naturally to me. Whatever the cause(s) is/are for this desire is something I approach as out of my hands and ultimately just as natural to me as someone being homosexual, bisexual or heterosexual, or any other variation or kind of orientation.

In a way I try and disable my inner critic when it comes to these thoughts. My inner critic wants to try and find ways I should feel guilty for having these thoughts and tries to hinder the progress of my everyday acceptance. I confront and challenge my inner critic with objective questions and positive counter statements.

Take this thought for example:

Critical statement: "I should feel guilty for having this attraction. I should be doing more to stop these thoughts or to keep them suppressed. I'm weak or deficient because of this attraction."

Counter statement with objective questioning/reasoning: "Where is the evidence for this? The general consensus of society is that I should feel guilty for having this attraction and should change, but that doesn't make it correct to think so, or moral. I am willing to accept my own morals and beliefs about my pedophilia as a basis for if I should feel guilty or not. I shouldn't be doing more to stop these thoughts either. What would be the good in suppressing my thoughts? Suppression has only been proven to lead to frustration, depression and anxiety in my life. I am willing to find safe and effective ways to express my sexuality without harming others and without advertising my sexuality to others. It would be far more healthy to approach my sexuality like all other desires in my life and to address it appropriately. There are plenty of ways to do this that don't involve actual children, that don't involve others and that don't involve me harming or inflicting my personal beliefs on others. What is the proof that I'm weak or deficient because of this attraction? None. There is no evidence that says I am weak because I am attracted to children or that I'm deficient for having this attraction. "Weak" and "deficient" are derogatory terms when used in this manner. I am willing to replace these labels such as "unique" and "valuable," because though this is a part of me that is unacceptable in most of society, I am a unique and valuable person simply because I am me."

I challenge my anxiety, depression and negative thoughts in my journal like this almost daily. Also, it's perfectly practical to do this kind of thinking in your head when you're not readily available to write it down. This can sometimes be more effective as the exercise works its way into your everyday thinking pattern, replacing negative, damaging thoughts with those that are more healthy and positive. Hope this helps.