Extremely Distressed

Hi, new member. I've been lurking for a long time, but never bothered to post my story, but I'm at a point where I really feel like there is little hope.

I'm worried that I may be a pedophile and that's the last thing in the world I'd want to be. But for some reason, I get extremely distressed every time I see a young boy (usually ages 6 through 12). It's not so much of a turned on feeling as it is a extreme feeling in the pit of my stomach. It's never in real life, only online or television. I'm 21 now, but when I was around 14-15, I used to masturbate to the thought of boys way younger than me, sexually. It faded for the longest time and I was truly attracted to guys older than me.

For some reason, in the last year, the unwanted thoughts returned out of no where. It was like a gradual thing where I didn't even realize it was happening. It mainly got bad when I started reading erotica about the subject. I have since blocked myself from those sites, but I'm extremely afraid I'm going to relapse or something. It's really hard to explain, it's not so much that I'm sexually attracted, it's like my mind tells me to think about the subject or else I get extremely panicked if I don't give into the impulse.

I have no clue why I do it either. I know what being attracted is like. I truly am attracted to other men around my age or older, but it's like a sexual compulsion to go read those stories or think about it. Is this OCD taking over my mental state or is it what I fear most? Am I hopeless? I truly don't want to be afflicted with this. I honestly would rather harm myself than to continue thinking I'm going to be a harm to society. I'm kind of a social hermit and don't really have the means to get help through an social service.

Do these compulsions get better with time if you don't give into them? I don't think I'd ever hurt a child, but I'm now considering keeping myself away from society even more just to make sure. Any advice would really help me out.

Hi,

There have been quite a few people in your position coming here over the past year. it comes as no surprise to me really, because there has been a lot ogf media 'hype' surrounding paedophilia. In my honest opinion, you can choose whether or not you want to call yourself a paedophile. If you have the thoughts in your head and they can remain locked there, then fine. You should have the intelligence and social know-how to realise that if you ever carried out these thoughts in real life that you'd be thrown into a prison.

I do however believe that in your case the thoughts could be related to OCD. With OCD, a thought enters the person's head - any thought - and it worries them. They think about it more and more and become more and more worried. the point arrives where they cannot stop thinking/stressing about it and it begins to interfere with their lives.

Answer me this: are you a paedophile or aren't you? Get help for OCD first, and then maybe the 'nasty' thoughts in your head will vanish.

Kevin

See, that's the thing, the logical side of my mind tells me I'm not capable of that or even don't even want to do that. However, there is this different part of my mind that tells me maybe I'm capable of hurting someone, thus why I stay away from society. Is that just the OCD confusing me? I can't even look at the word pedophile without feeling sick to my stomach, so to answer your question, I guess I don't consider myself that. But it isn't what I label myself, it's what society would label me, right?

In fact, I'm confused all the way around. I have so many conflicting feelings. I was molested when I was young, thus wouldn't want to inflict the same pain on anyone else, however like I said, whenever I see young boys, I get an uneasy feeling. It's not even sexual, just uneasy. But as I said above, I did view sexual stories related to the subject, so it's not like I'm not responsible in some way for my own problems.

From all that I've read, it sounds like OCD to me too, however OCD-related sexual issues seem like the hardest to get rid of if you don't feel like you can talk to anyone about it.

You don't have to talk about these issues directly to a doctor. You can just say that you have some obsessions that are proving difficult to manage. Do you believe that agenuine paedophile thinks in the way that you do? I am doubtful, personally. Your sheer worry at the thoughts is what will drive you to never carry out the actions, right? In my view, this is a classic case of OCD, but it's unfortunate that the thoughts ae confusing you to believe that you're a paedophile. I have full faith that you are NOT.

Kevin

After thinking about it, you're right. I'm not capable of it nor would want to do it, which is why it's causing me distress.

Do you have any advice on how to get rid of the guilt of my past actions though. The guilt is literally making me so sick to my stomach now that I can't even look at other guys without feeling like I'm unworthy because of what I've thought of in my past. It surely can't be as easy as forgiving myself and moving on, can it?

No, it's not that easy, and I'm aware that this particular type of obsession that you have is not one that the general public would understand. What I suggest that you do is read-up more on OCD, especially what causes it and how you could possibly control it. My diagnosis is OCD, and so it's 'easy' to recognise the symptoms..

Kevin

I posted this topic two years ago. Since then, my life how gone to hell, literally. Let me just be honest about my actions. It might be quite long and for that I'm sorry, but it will show you one person's journey from the beginning of this struggle to where I am as of posting this. But I just wanted to be honest about my journey. IT MAY TRIGGER YOU, so just be warned.

"Back then" I was never doing anything illegal. For many years I had been looking up stories of a sexual nature, which is fine. Then one day I stumbled into the "young" section of stories, which primarily weren't young at all. It was mostly stories of grown men having sex with 17 or 18 year old other men. Nothing to really be ashamed of for me to view, honestly. Especially considering I was the same age at the time. I would often fantasize about grown men having sex with around the same age while I was watching porn. The whole "daddy" thing turned me on, but honestly the real turn on back then was that I was the "boy" (again, use that liberally when I wasn't even fantasizing that low in the age range). I loved all types of gay porn though and my life from a sexual mentality was fantastic. Oh how I long for those days.

About two years ago I notice I started reading stories where the age of the "boy" actually went lower, and lower, and lower until I started noticing I wouldn't read anything where the boy was older than, say, 13. That's when this all started. It took awhile to realize, but my guilt started kicking in. I would go a few weeks without reading the stories but eventually have compulsive feelings to. So I'd give in. It's not great, but it still didn't truly sink in what I was doing.

One day in early 2010, I downloaded CP on purpose on one of those old file sharing programs. Obviously that is never safe, but I took a few precautions before downloading. I did it like two or three times and then realized, WTF... What am I doing here? I deleted those programs, swore I'd never do it again. And honestly didn't even really think about it all that much for 6 months.

I did continue reading the stories though. Late 2010, I noticed a common theme of "boylove" always in this story and thought I'd search about it to find more stories. Worst decision of my whole damn life. That's honestly the point where my post two years ago started at. I stumbled upon pedophile groups that were designed to talk about their love for children. Mind you, I never participated or even joined. But there my compulsions went again, I HAD to go visit those sites. I found one of those sites had links to pictures of boys fully clothed but in a suggestive manner (not intentionally). That's where the cycle got it's roots. I would get sick at myself that I would even view them. The first time I did it, I was like OMG, GROSS, I'll never do that shiz again... Then my stomach started getting in knots, my brain felt like it was going to bust and if I didn't give into the compulsions to go look, it would intensify. I always broke down.

In early 2011 was when I had given up on trying to fight "the thoughts". I started seeing a psychologist who I admitted I had obsessive sexual thoughts to. I was prescribed Cymbalta, but it never really worked. I was freaking family out with my depression and mood swings that I just started pretending everything was okay, when it wasn't.

So this is the part that I can't believe I'm going to admit, but one link led to another that led to another and I eventually stumbled upon sites with actual CP on it. I downloaded it as safely as I could at the time for fear of being caught. After a few weeks, I stumbled upon a program that lets you access another side of the web you otherwise couldn't (and no I'm not saying what it is, lol, only because I don't want to trigger anyone who is in the infancy of these types of problems to look it up). That's where I found a treasure trove of it. I downloaded for awhile, but as always, then eventual cycle of guilt would wear in and I'd deleted everything. Programs and all.

The point I'm at now is this. I'll delete everything, swear on my life I'll never do it again, get the anxiety attacks and not be able to do anything normal that I would otherwise enjoy, then have to redownload everything for one quick fix. I'll even swear to myself, FINE, YOU ARE WHAT YOU ARE... as much as I try to keep with the throught process to just "accept being a pedophile", my mind starts pushing me in the opposite direction and I feel disguisted then do the delete process all over again.

Truth be told, I'm not attracted to children. Male or female. I'm actually repulsed by their bodies in a way. Nothing is fully formed yet and it just looks odd to me. I know what attraction is. I still love grown male bodies all nice and strong. I used to be attracted to those "daddies" and know what finding something hot and sexy is all about. Since this all started, my attraction has fell by the wayside. I know I was once attracted to adults and I get glimmers of it every now and then, but I feel so putrid about myself that I wouldn't even want to look another adult in the face, let alone find them attractive. I think I've rewired my brain on this junk. I feel HORRIBLE that I'm contributing to the abuse of children by even looking at it. I feel like the biggest monster on earth.

Just went to set up a new mental health appointment. I've told them some of this, but I'd be hauled away if I said it all. I want help so freakin' badly. I'm 23 and I can't bare going much longer like this, much less the rest of an adult life. Each day I feel closer to suicide. I wish I could just go back and never read those god forsaken stories or download that CP for the first time. My life would be wonderful. I'd still have my grown crushes on cute men and could enjoy everything I used to. Now I'm doomed to live out the rest of my days, which might be short, until I'm either caught or kill myself. And for the record, if I was caught, I would kill myself without thinking twice.

I'm not sure I'm a pedophile, have an addiction, or have an OCD related paraphillia, or a combination of any of these. At this point, I don't care, I just wanted to be normal dude.

Still sounds like OCD to me, because you're REPULSED... you CAN'T STAY AWAY... Sounds like a compulsion to me.

Honestly, I don't know how to help you other than to tell you to somehow block those sites and STOP. Keep trying, because maybe one of these days it'll let up. I don't know. I think you should talk to a therapist, and I don't think therapists can turn you into the cops very easily. :/ It sounds to me like you desperately need the mental help, for your own safety.

I am sorry you're going through this. Hang in there.