Murder/rape fantasy as victim - POSSIBLE TRIGGER

My core issue is i'm sexually aroused by the thought of being murdered (being raped at knifepoint and having my throat slit).....(i'm a 22 y/o female btw). i have a friend who is aroused and obsessed by the idea of murder, and we "role-play" my death. He has told me many times how hard he fights back the urge to actually kill me. These thoughts scare me yet at the same time, comforts me, like a strange form of suicide? I love feeling him pin me to the floor, pressing the blade against my neck and hearing him whisper graphically in my ear how he wants to watch me bleed to death and how, if he wanted to disembowel me or slit my throat, there wasn't a thing i could do to stop him. He tells me how much he loves to see the fear in my eyes, and i know that when someone does end it for me, i will be scared/terrified/and have a need to live. but I love feeling like my life could end at any minute, and i love my body's natural response to fear (the heavy struggling as i attempt to fight him off, and the stillness that comes over me when he places the knife to my throat); i can't tell you how badly i wish he would just do it....

I don't know what's wrong with me and i have been agonizing over whether or not i should post this for a while now. I wish i could escape my mind and the thoughts inside my head, and everytime i think i'm ok, the thoughts come back to haunt me. When i push them away during the day so i can try to be somewhat normal, they come back at night in the form of nightmares. Brutal violent nightmares.

Those who know me in real life know me as being really happy, upbeat, and always therefor others. But no one knows the stuff i internally battle and how badly i wish i could escape from myself. I have battled strong suicidal tendencies since i was young. I actually remember being in 8th grade and i had lost my grandmother (who was basically my second mom). I felt like everything was crashing down around me and i knew my grandfather kept a gun up in the cupboard but he used to preach about keeping UNLOADED guns in the house. My brother and i were going to therapy cause we were going through a great deal of emotional abuse from my father and his wife (we even witnessed them beat the sh*t out of our mom, they threatened to kidnap us, they were heavy alcoholics, and much more) so for me, i figured this would be an escape from all the pain. I waited untill i was alone in the house and made a deal with God, i was going to put the gun to my head, count to 3, and pull the trigger. If i was meant to die, let the bullet end it, if i was meant to live then the gun would be empty. I stood on the chair, but the gun to my temple and as i got to 3, i heard my brother and grandfather coming into the house so i put the gun away. I FOUND OUT YEARS LATER, THAT THE GUN WAS LOADED.....i also tried other forms of suicide with no sucess.

Some history, i am 22 years old now (female), and i know when i was 10, my babysitters son sexually abused me (though i have no recollection), my family refused to tell me much of what happened. Then throughout my teens, my mom's (now ex) boyfriend was sexual with me for years. My mind would dissassociate from the abuse by imagining being in the hands of a killer....my throat slit to escape what was happening to me....
pretty soon, thoughts of being raped and murdered plagued me, and it all just feels so right....i feel like i am meant to be attacked and my life taken,
and on one hand, i'm very at peace with the idea of being murdered, but on the other, i'm scared of it and want NOTHING TO DO with that side of me. I can't have a normal sexual relationship without these thoughts interfering and causing me extreme distress,
and it became so bad, i actually contacted people online who wished to take my life (they all had similar methods: rape, mutilation, and cutting my throat). I don't know what's wrong with me, and i had thought about taking my life to get away from the thoughts but I COULD NEVER KILL MYSELF....
but i planned everything:
the method i would use, where i would park my car, made a list of songs to be played at my funeral, wrote a note, and made a cd in which i would leave on repeat till someone found me. I was going to park my car in a church parking lot, cover my vehicle with a tarp (i planned on bleeding myself to death, so i didn't want to traumatize the person who finds my car) and post a note, warning whomever came across my car NOT to look inside and to contact authorities. I was also going to leave a note for my mom, telling her it wasn't her fault and that i love her.

BUT I COULD NEVER DO IT.....i just want help, but i don't have the money, and i don't know what to do anymore. I get flashbacks from some of the abuse, and i try to deal with it but it keeps haunting me. I'm just sick of the pain, i'm sick of crying, i'm sick of the darkness, i just want it all to end....it scares me, my thoughts scare me.

for whatever reason, this song gives me comfort....

Alesana-"Hymn For the Shameless" (when i pass away, whenever that will be, this is going to be my funeral song)...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3mI2xay850w

Not sure where you are but might try calling a crisis and see if there is any free help available in your area. It is obvious you have some mental health issues that go way beyond the help of a forum like this. You are young and now is time to start seeing a mental health professional so you can get the help you need to move on with your life. If you are in a large city there are probably some free services available somewhere and I hope you can find them.
I get deep depression and have tried suicide a couple of times, I understand how you feel, but things can get better and you have to consider a failed attempt can do a lot of damage to your body, I learned this the hard way and was in a lot of pain for a long time.
At 22 you have your whole life ahead of you and if you try hard to deal with this now, it will get much better for you.
When one gets disturbing thoughts all the time, it put you under a lot of stress. There could be more wrong with you mentally that only a professional could figure out.
So hope you can find it
Take Care

I its hot as hell, the way she puts it.
I have similar feelings as her boyfriend except that I also feels bad for it.
I feel similar with my death-rapist thoughts, like the idea somehow violates me
even if imagine myself as the abuser. Like I identify to much with my imaginary victims.
Perhaps she has the reversed problem. She identify with her imaginary killer-rapist
so she feels guilt and perhaps the violator represents what "she want to do"
but consciously can't. I don't mean that the killer-rapist represent her suicide or even sexuality.
I am just saying I think its very clear that he has a passive self that is abused
by a very "active" ..eh self.
I don't know, I am just babbling psycho dynamism and compare with myself.

I also have a strong feeling that I respect and love
women's life and simultaneously don't' want to hurt them.
Well, personally I feel relatively secure with myself, and somehow after some years I healed.
I lost interest in women long ago and perversion with it.
When I do get sexual fantasies they are nearly always perverted.
It's a balance for me, I don't feel guilt or empathy about it anymore.
Sure its dark and sometimes sickening, but still not that much of a problem.
The thoughts about death in general depress me more.
But I am a very strong and stable person, more so than most.
May I suggest that she is just looking for an sexual expression of her pain.
I don't think most people are suicidal, but I think that fear or any form of stress
and thoughts of death can eh make people sexual just as I think that
people can have other.. positive feelings from eh fear of death.
Not sure but I think some starts to experience,love, artistic and religious feelings
etc despite their are very old, fatally sick etc or depressed.

I sounds like a perverted idiots #######4 so forgive me.


Amateur psychologist.

Hi there,
I have the awkward fantasy about death as well, I imagine slitting a girls throat, watching her bleed to death, then lifting up her dress/skirt before removing her underwear and raping her. My second death fantasy is having sex with a woman after she has drowned, I like seeing their hair floating out in all directions and their dresses floating up to reveal what's underneath. I often search the internet for clips of women having their throats slit or drowning.
I could NEVER do that to anyone in real life, I confine it to fantasy but I find it embarrassing having such a fetish. You're not alone, i fact I feel a little better knowing there are women out there who have fantasies about being murdered. In my opinion, if it's just fantasy, you are not harming anyone.
You'll be OK, and you are very pretty by the way!
Regards. X

strangefetish1982 wrote:Hi there,
I have the awkward fantasy about death as well, I imagine slitting a girls throat, watching her bleed to death, then lifting up her dress/skirt before removing her underwear and raping her. My second death fantasy is having sex with a woman after she has drowned, I like seeing their hair floating out in all directions and their dresses floating up to reveal what's underneath. I often search the internet for clips of women having their throats slit or drowning.
I could NEVER do that to anyone in real life, I confine it to fantasy but I find it embarrassing having such a fetish. You're not alone, i fact I feel a little better knowing there are women out there who have fantasies about being murdered. In my opinion, if it's just fantasy, you are not harming anyone.
You'll be OK, and you are very pretty by the way!
Regards. X

wow, maybe this is a lot more common than i thought. Have you ever told anyone about you fantasies?
I thought about getting counseling for it.....because for me, i feel it goes way beyond fantasy, and that is what scares me. If the opportunity arose that someone was able to come to my state and actually kill me....i would say yes and plan it with them. And THAT is what i want to get help for, it scares me because part of me wants to see what it feels like to bleed to death. I try to put myself in dangerous situations hoping for the "end" result. I have no money to get help at the moment, so i'm trying to get into a insurance deal.
When do these thoughts plague you? Is it strictly during sexual intimacy (which is the result in my case.....)?

TheDevilWearsPrada wrote:

strangefetish1982 wrote:Hi there,
I have the awkward fantasy about death as well, I imagine slitting a girls throat, watching her bleed to death, then lifting up her dress/skirt before removing her underwear and raping her. My second death fantasy is having sex with a woman after she has drowned, I like seeing their hair floating out in all directions and their dresses floating up to reveal what's underneath. I often search the internet for clips of women having their throats slit or drowning.
I could NEVER do that to anyone in real life, I confine it to fantasy but I find it embarrassing having such a fetish. You're not alone, i fact I feel a little better knowing there are women out there who have fantasies about being murdered. In my opinion, if it's just fantasy, you are not harming anyone.
You'll be OK, and you are very pretty by the way!
Regards. X

wow, maybe this is a lot more common than i thought. Have you ever told anyone about you fantasies?
I thought about getting counseling for it.....because for me, i feel it goes way beyond fantasy, and that is what scares me. If the opportunity arose that someone was able to come to my state and actually kill me....i would say yes and plan it with them. And THAT is what i want to get help for, it scares me because part of me wants to see what it feels like to bleed to death. I try to put myself in dangerous situations hoping for the "end" result. I have no money to get help at the moment, so i'm trying to get into a insurance deal.
When do these thoughts plague you? Is it strictly during sexual intimacy (which is the result in my case.....)?

These thoughts only come into my head when I'm alone and have nothing to focus on. I sometimes hate myself for having these fantasies but just can't help it at all.

TheDevilWearsPrada wrote:

strangefetish1982 wrote:Hi there,
I have the awkward fantasy about death as well, I imagine slitting a girls throat, watching her bleed to death, then lifting up her dress/skirt before removing her underwear and raping her. My second death fantasy is having sex with a woman after she has drowned, I like seeing their hair floating out in all directions and their dresses floating up to reveal what's underneath. I often search the internet for clips of women having their throats slit or drowning.
I could NEVER do that to anyone in real life, I confine it to fantasy but I find it embarrassing having such a fetish. You're not alone, i fact I feel a little better knowing there are women out there who have fantasies about being murdered. In my opinion, if it's just fantasy, you are not harming anyone.
You'll be OK, and you are very pretty by the way!
Regards. X

wow, maybe this is a lot more common than i thought. Have you ever told anyone about you fantasies?
I thought about getting counseling for it.....because for me, i feel it goes way beyond fantasy, and that is what scares me. If the opportunity arose that someone was able to come to my state and actually kill me....i would say yes and plan it with them. And THAT is what i want to get help for, it scares me because part of me wants to see what it feels like to bleed to death. I try to put myself in dangerous situations hoping for the "end" result. I have no money to get help at the moment, so i'm trying to get into a insurance deal.
When do these thoughts plague you? Is it strictly during sexual intimacy (which is the result in my case.....)?

These thoughts only come into my head when I'm alone and have nothing to focus on. I sometimes hate myself for having these fantasies but just can't help it at all. I'm sure you will overcome your fears though. X

Your thoughts, fears, and fantasies are not as strange as you think. I believe there are many who might share them. And I know there are some, like me (26 year old female), who read them and identify with them -- in ways perhaps you did not intend.

My first instinct, when I read what you'd written, was to find you and hurt you. Rip you to pieces and watch you bleed out onto the floor. Even as I read it, my heart was breaking, but your words were speaking to a darkness in my head that is like a drug. The things you were describing... made my heart race.

You come here as a victim, and monsters read your words.

I want to thank you. Your struggle, your experiences helped me put my own darkness in perspective... helped me become that much more acutely aware of my demons.

And I hope, beyond hope, that you find the courage to look for counseling. These thoughts and feelings can become like an identity -- something that, even in the light of its brutality, shields you from the world. I hope you can come to the realization that you can move through life without it.

My dear devil, where have you gone? We were preparing for such a wonderful time and you just vanished.
I hope you see this. The hunger grows and the only willing participant is, I fear, already dead.
You built me up and I can't stand this solitude. The urge can not be supressed much longer. I am going to slip.

.