It's not easy to admit

I am 20 years old and living in the US. I'm a college student and I have big goals, unfortunately, it's difficult for me to focus on my academics and everything that's important to me because of my interest in younger girls. I see it's a fairly common topic on here, and among many, being a browser of sites like anonib and 4chan (regrettably). I grew up with a single mother who didn't parent properly, I was aware of everything sexual at an early age (please note, my mother never physically sexually molested me, she had abused me physically but not sexually). As I aged, I realized I felt no guilt if I had interest in a 9 or 10 year old when I was 12 or so, or a 10 or 12 year old when I was 15. But after 15, I started feeling wrong and immoral.

Around 17, I was interested in girls still between 10-15, and in high school I would express attraction for freshmen, which got me labeled as a paedophile. I used to look at a lot of child pornography when I was 14-17, but 16 and up I started feeling terrible. When I was 18, I did some stuff with a mutually interested 14 year old, that was my only case of truly acting on anything (I did stuff with a 16 year old I had known for years when I was 20, but she was most nearly 17 and I didn't feel quite as bad). I have had counseling, and they believe I am fixated due to my upbringing and learning things so early and not understanding "boundaries". I am also regressed, therefore when I'm really stressed and life isn't going so well, I turn back to stronger sexual urges to younger girls. I have had months worth of phases where I have little interest, and then it always comes back.

I have ONLY sexual attraction, I would never engage in a relationship with a younger girl. I prefer younger girls who haven't done anything sexually, which is more rare today it seems, so unfortunately I have been dipping into ages as young as 8, because of the likelihood of not having done anything. The most that I do is I masturbate to pictures and I may go on webcamera and expose myself, the exposing is the biggest sexual arousal for me. I have full interest in older women, but they have to be exceptionally attractive, where as a younger girl doesn't have to be as attractive, it's the age and "innocence" that arouses me. I am currently in a relationship with a woman a few years my senior, but she isn't as attractive as I would like (yet, gained a bit of weight), so I have been dipping into interest again in younger girls. I have done A LOT to change, I deleted gigabytes worth of younger girl material I collected since I were 15, I deleted regular girls I would talk with, deleted profiles I used solely for this; it's never enough.

For everyone who read this very long message, I thank you and I want everyone to know how much this disturbs my life. Just having thoughts alone makes me want to put a bullet in my head and I've only been a trigger pull away on several occasions. It's not fair, and the labeling is ruthless. This is a PROBLEM many struggle with, not something they enjoy. It's not something I can accept. If I were to go to prison for this, I would feel deserving of my punishment. This is not something somebody can readily get help for, you have to find select people who won't judge you and will understand that this is a terrible, disturbing disorder. The public can't know, I moved across the country due to the stigma attached to me, and I have come close to leaving the country. I want people to understand how guilty I feel, and how badly I want effective help.

Triple9, you have to really look for a psych who can help you. You can't go on like this and you might end up doing something illegal. Go to your regular doctor and ask where you can find a decent, trustworthy psych and take it from there. Or maybe there are people who deal with this kind of thing on a regular basis and you could look them up online or something.

I'm not going to reply in full detail right now but I'm right with you on this.. similar in all regards. Realized it was an issue at 15.. i prefer 11-15(Hebephilia) age wise. It's a mess. I have gotten help before but I always seem to regress mostly due to general anxiety. I really wish I could have a sexual experience with someone in that age group, maybe then I could move on because right now I'm terrified. At 21 i feel like most people have sex/experiences where I've had basically zip. Plus I might be gay which bothers me. I look at male/female but tend toward m.