About to snap...

I don't know if I have some kind of schizophrenia/pedophilia coexisting disorder or what, but let me try and explain what goes on in my head.

I can't think. I can't breathe. I think about children all day everyday and it is usually not overly sexual. I am afraid of hurting them, even though I don't plan to. I can't enjoy life. I go through every day in a haze, dream-like state. I will be watching television for example, or sitting out in the sun and I can't enjoy it. I am constantly afraid. I have started making involuntary facial grimaces and sudden jerkiness in my movements because I can't control my thoughts. I am 23 and homeless living off a government check. I don't feel like I can get an apartment because the leasing manager sees a rapist/killer. I just want the thoughts to stop. I feel there is something undeniably sexual in children. I prefer women, but it still exists in some minute form while I am fighting with every ounce of my energy to repel it. I can't think straight. I fantasize about setting my parent's house on fire or brutally assualting them for a hatred I have towards them. People keep making fun of me. All I want is for the thoughts to go away and have an apartment, job, car and girlfriend. That life I have always wanted is so far away it isn't even funny.

I don't know how to advise about stopping the thoughts of children apart from maybe therapy. Knowing you have this problem is a good thing in a way so you know its wrong to act on them. What i can advise is, DONT think killing thoughts. Try and create a life for yourself and not dwell on the past. You will miss out on life. I am speaking from experience. I killed when i was 14, i'm 24 and been released from psychiatric prison 2 month ago and i have missed out on so much life and it really is not worth it. The people you hate just ain't worth throwing your life away for. You need to try control this as it can lead to acting on them, not in all cases. Are your family in your life? or don't you see/speak to them. If you don't see them then just leave it at that as if thats them gone!!! I want you to picture this....you kill, you get arrested, you get put away for a long time and imagine sat in a prison cell day in day out for YEARS !!! Been caged, no freedom, the frustration of only having to sit in your cell reading or writing or whatever. It would be boring and miserable. Before you say it, no you don't deserve to be in prison because you have the thoughts of children. You would if you acted on them. You have one chance in life, don't waste it with hatred and misery. See a therapist to talk about these issues as they won't judge you and are used to dealing with people with all kinds of problems.

I wouldn't actually kill my parents or anything. I don't think I would go further than attacking them (which likely won't happen either). I couldn't deal with needlessly murdering someone and having that on my conscience. I'm just so sick of the tension in my mind.

Sometimes I ask myself, "What the ###$ is wrong with me? What the hell is a 23 year old man who was a happy teenager a few years ago doing posting on a forum about being a pedophile?" I would have killed myself years ago if it wasn't for the fear of hell. That may sound hypocritical, and i'm sure many others want me dead, but the hell I imagine going to is far worse than anything on this earth. I wouldn't mind if someone actually killed me. That quick moment of pain is nothing compared to the years I have suffered, and I will go straight to heaven, or rot in the ground. However, if I kill myself assuming Christianity is #######4, the possibility that I could be wrong is too much of a risk to take.

I am a monster. I have to wonder how other people do it. How are they so ######6 happy? The things around me I can't enjoy, therefor they don't exist. When hell is full, the dead shall walk the earth.

You seem to be lacking connection, you seem to not have anything to identify with in society. Obviously, you have at least an internet access and you admit to having TV access, so you have basic material possessions. You also say you prefer women, so I'm guessing this means you are non-exclusive. Now, I don't know much about your history or such, so this may not apply to well, but what I think you need to do is form bonds with people. You need to work towards that life you desire, but first you have to show yourself you have a chance at actually getting it.

As to people hating you, making fun of you, do they know? Or are you just projecting it onto them? If they don't know, you need to realize that they will think of you how ever you pass yourself off as. Get a decent button up shirt with some slacks, and most people will think of you as just an average Joe. If you live in any busy place (larger city), most people won't even spend enough time to think that of you.

Look at what skills you have. You have some, I don't know them and you may tell yourself that you don't, but you do. Figure those out, ponder upon them. Decide which can get you a job now, and which ones you can work on to get a better job later. And get a job.

As to your sexual attraction to children, just stay away from them. I know out of sight out of mind is a lie (I haven't seen cheese cake in months but I would sure love some right now), but distancing yourself from them will both ease any negative self critiques and means there are less opportunities for things to go wrong. Really though, form of social bonds. Perhaps try out religion, you seem to not completely discount it already, but don't feel afraid to try out different types.

Well I have been contemplating it for weeks now, but I have finally made the decision to get a psychiatric evaluation at an inpatient hospital. It will be voluntary so I can leave whenever I please, but i'm hoping this level of care will get me the help I so desperately need.