Weird $#%^.

I have been having an issue with weird thoughts lately. I was making progress in recovery by telling myself that I hate my thoughts and would never act on them, but now I am finding another way to test myself. I started comparing human children to completely non-sexual things like old women or men, animals, etc. and i'm terrified I might prefer the child. First and foremost I am attracted to women, however. Anyway, when I come to the conclusion that I might prefer the child, theoretically, if that were even appropriate, my mind traps itself into thinking i'm a monster again. I know now that ultimately I am in control of my actions, so the tension in my head has lessened...which is good I guess. I also feel that God is punishing me for being so scetchy about my faith and indulging in immoral things like drinking. I feel an area of my brain has broken, and perhaps I shouldn't compare kids to non-sexual things. Perhaps i'm making it too hard on myself.

I imagine it's fairly normal to find children more attractive than elderly people. It's definitely normal to find children more pleasing to look at, and think that they're cute or beautiful. Sexual feelings are perhaps not normal, but it doesn't sound like you really have any. Preferring to have sex with a child than an elderly person is not the same as wanting to have sex with a child. If you prefer adult women or men, then I wouldn't worry about this.

As for the drinking... I'm not religious, but as I understand it, the "sinfulness" of drinking has to do with its harmful effects on one's health. Is that right? If so, it's quite possible to drink without damaging your health. If you're male, then more than a drink or two a day (3-4 units) puts your health at risk, and more than twice that much (6-8+ units) counts as a binge and puts your health at significant risk. If you're female, the upper limits are a bit lower (<2-3 units is safe). You should also take a day off drinking at least once a week.

If you want perfect health, then I would stay within the 3-4 unit limit. But I personally go over that now and again, and on special occasions I binge drink. If you believe that God will punish you for doing that, then I guess you should try to control your drinking, but don't be fooled into thinking that abstinence is the only way to protect your health. A glass or two of red wine each day is actually good for you.

I'm thinking about commiting myself to a mental hospital. I know I would never harm a child, but I honestly can't handle my thoughts. I feel like everyone is judging me, but there is nothing I can do about being bombarded with horrible thoughts I can't control. I sometimes just shake or make awkward faces in public to fight away my thoughts, which is why I think I may have a co-existing psychosis or something. It's really bad, and my blood is always pumping forcefully through my viens. I can't enjoy much in life, because I am either constantly hating myself or in a hightened state of tension in public. I don't look at child pornography or anything to accelerate or induldge my sick thoughts. I have done nothing wrong.

That sounds like anxiety rather than psychosis. I would say "don't worry", but that probably doesn't have much affect on people with an anxiety problem. But don't jump to conclusions and look for a mental asylum. As you say, you've done nothing wrong - nothing to harm anybody. But it sounds like you are worried and you don't feel good, so I suggest you ask the advice of an ordinary doctor. You can tell them as much or as little as you want.

No offense but comparing children to non-sexual things is a silly idea if you're attracted to children. What do you expect is going to happen? Children will always come out on top. All you're doing is clutching at straws.

I don't think you see what i'm trying to say. I'm not strongly attracted to kids at all. I am comparing them to non-sexual things in an effort to complrtely erradicate myself of any lingering thoughts, so it serves a purpose for me. I don't even think i'm a pedophile anymore, because the thoughts are so minisquel (Sp?) I am in an effort to completely get them off of my mind.

Oh okay, my mistake. Good luck with that. Have you had any luck of lessening these thoughts since you first started?

First started what? If you mean finding children attractive, yes I have had quite a bit of luck. At the very worst of this sickness, I used to have uncomfortable thoughts about very small children, which I find pretty rediculous at this point. Now I only struggle with lingering thoughts about older pre-teens, so I'd say I have came a long way in healing myself. I'm feeling better and more confident around young children now, even perhaps thinking "that's a cute child" in a natural paternal way, which makes me happy with myself.

Yeah, that's right. Well, good I'm very pleased for you. If I remember correctly, you have OCD related pedophilia? That's the good thing about OCD, it's treatable. Have you sorted out any of your other OCD problems, or was that not you?

Yeah I have OCD, which causes me to obsessively fear being attracted to children. I'm still disputing if I even have any pedoohillic tendencies, or if they are a result of anxiety. I am trying to get my problems sorted out, but I still always feel under pressure, like my mind is a candle burning on both sides. I really don't know how to let myself relax and enjoy life, which I really want to do. Even if my thoughts have improved significantly, I still obsess over them. I just don't want to care about it anymore, but I feel if I don't try hard enough, disaster will happen.