Journal to Freedom - Possible Cure

Hi all!

For those of you who don't know, I'm an exclusive pedophile, among having other issues. I have laid them out, you don't have to read them, but it might help you understand me better if you did.


THE BEGINNING
It started about when I was 4-years-old when I had my first erection that I remember. It was when I was watching a T.V. show some time after I had wet my pants (my parents had those plastic casings around the doorknobs which prevented me from getting out of my room and my parents left somewhere). I got the impression that this woman on a train in a movie had to go to the bathroom and the thought aroused me.

In kindergarten I went to a very small private school. The girl across from me was one of the last kids on the end and always had to go to the bathroom after lunch. The bathroom pass was passed around and out of 18 or so kids, she was the one of the last of 3. I enjoyed watching her squirm and when I got the pass I would wait as long as I dared in the bathroom, come out, and keep the pass. The teacher was always grading something, so she couldn't see what was going on and talking aloud was just not done. (She was also kinda reserved). She never had an accident, but I would go home at night and actually have fantasies about it. I also included kids I saw on kids shows like Barney.

Back then, I was also interested in thinking about boys my age and younger, but that dropped when I reached 2nd grade. But my fantasies continued almost every night. By the time I was 12, I discovered the Internet and out of curiosity, looked into porn and drowned in it; as much as 18-20 hours of viewing every week (6 hours in one day) since my mom was working during the summer. After getting caught and avoiding it for several months, I went through about 3 stages of intense addiction.

It was how I came to learn about sex. On a pop-up ad. It shocked me for life. From then on, 13-years-old, I found sex to be the grossed, most disgusting thing ever. And I had literally flooded my way out of attraction to women. I actually went through a brief period of time, 14-16 years of age, when I was just dead. I didn't find anything sexually attractive, unless she was wearing clothes and in need of the bathroom. (Omorashi/Urolagnia) I didn't understand what it meant to "check out girls" or stare at a woman's body; she's wearing clothes, so what?



HOW I CAME TO BE
Then I got into anime which quickly led me down into lolita-type entertainment. Before I knew it, I had become a pedophile. I didn't realize it till about 6 months too late when I went on a trip to Alaska with my family. There, I noted, "There are so many little girls in Alaska!" my mom replied, "That's because you are looking for them." It took another few months for me to again realize what I had become by the age of 17.

What kept me there was my fascination with omorashi all this time. I continued to have my fantasies mostly about young girls but without interest in them sexually. Now that has expanded and it's hard for me to just walk out in public at the mall or grocery store an hour after school let out or on the weekends when the sun is still up.


It hasn't been helped by the fact that I like being this way. After doing my heavy research into it, I realized no cure or known effects really worked against pedophilia, and I felt doomed. I felt into my second serious depression in my life and began to dabble into thoughts of suicide. I was a smart guy, but I also began fantasizing about kidnappings and a little into torment. I forced myself to dissociate with that by creating a second personality within me. But sometimes he came out and would control me. It was obvious when he was in control: I cut my hair short and styled it, I exercised more to stay in shape and look good, I picked designer clothes, flirted, and became more social. It was a true case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. My writing style changed as well. I wrote stories of stunning graphic visualizations, some of my fans told me that reading them made them want to throw up (and one girl did spit up in her mouth once). It's horrible. He was the monster inside of me.



MONSTER INSIDE ME
I told my friends (and sister) that I could woo any girl (my age) I pleased, I just didn't want to. I told them I could be a romantic person. They didn't believe me of course because I had a very strict standard and was viewed as not very social. Well I proved them wrong. After my second personality came out, he did his work, arguing with me that it could be done. And so I did, and I got my first official girlfriend; she was 9 years my younger. She was a daughter to a friend's parents' friend, and we got along well. We never went on any dates, but we attended parties together, played together. First night I met her (second really) we swapped e-mails. In my car going home, I screamed the name of my second person, loud and hard like I was trying to get out. Enough, this would do damage.

We never did anything we weren't supposed to, never kissed or got physical (we held hands once under the table, that was it). But it was a slow and hard decline when used my age as bragging rights to her friends (one of her friends claimed to get a boy from the next grade up to go on a date). When she realized that wasn't cool, and that the distant relationship just wasn't ever going to get anywhere, we broke up. Relationship lasted about 9 months.


I regret this ever occurred. Well, it happened a second time with another girl, but again the only physical contact made was during a movie (twice) when I put my arm around her and fingered her hair and she rested her head on my shoulders. Her brothers were really mean to her (all 6 of them!) and her younger sister stood up to them, so she was hit and insulted by them and her older sisters eventually stopped feeling sorry for her. I was literally her bodyguard when we were around, protecting her from her own brothers.

I got the chance to do some horrible things with her. The thing that shocked me was that she was trying to lead me away to present opportunities. It was the one time I fought him back, and nothing happened. I think she's rather offended that I didn't pursue her romantically, but it's for the better. He hasn't been out since and I'm capable of controlling myself in public now by forcing other distractions on myself. I definitely regret that relationship too, and the torturous pain feels like a prison. Thinking about it puts me into a very deep depression. It isn't right to play with a girl's heart like that; fueling a relationship you know will never amount to anything.




THE FUTURE
I've been into omorashi for over 18 years, and I've been an exclusive pedophile for 5 years. My inner soul tells me that I do not want to change; I like being different this way.

Since that time I have been almost suicidal. I could kill myself and end the pain, or I could drag it out as long as I live. Because I'm exclusive, I have no attraction towards women; I actually developed a phobia towards naked women. So I have resolved to never get married. Despite my longing desire to raise a son and preserve our family's heritage and background, and despite my strong wants for having a soul mate (at least some type of romantic relationship), I chew on doorknobs. I've decided to never get married. My wife doesn't deserve me. She should have a good sex life, wake up in the morning and have her husband tell her how beautiful she is. I love her so much that I'm not going to marry her at all.




STUMBLING ON A NEW HOPE
Yesterday was a very hard day. I went out in public on a weekend during the day for the first time in a few months to a mall. I was determined not to allow myself to gain a phobia of crowds over this.

Last night after looking over some omorashi Lolicon porn (anime-style children) and having fantasies again like I do every night, I tried to sleep. I didn't feel like dozing away until 3 pm and so I wanted a really good night's sleep. And with my mind racing (I have racing thoughts), I began getting colorful visions and one thing I stumbled on was thinking about the cartoon the Jungle Book and the scene where Kaa tries hypnosis to bring Mowgli to sleep.

So for whatever reason, I decided to try it on myself. I began inducing a conscious self hypnosis. To say the least, hypnosis and manipulation of the mind is an extremely difficult thing to do on me, and I've always been skeptical (spiritually) about it. But I separated myself. I forced myself into the daydream-like state. I separated from my conscious thought and did a test. I told myself that I would begin to feel very warm, and after a few tingling sensations running through my body, it became so. I told myself I would begin to feel very cool, and after awhile it became so. I played with my eyesight. Then I told my own self that I was drifting into a very deep sleep, and that I was dreaming on the count of 10. At 0, I was able to will myself to seemingly anything.


So I told myself, several times over and over directly at my mind, that the roles of my view towards women and young girls be reversed. The whole thing seemed to last for an eternity, but I gradually got out of it and felt... kinda strange. I got on the Internet to check if it had worked.




My fellow sufferers of the paraphilias, for the first time in my life I was able to stare at the source of my sexual desires, and though I wasn't fully disgusted, I wasn't aroused. For a good long little while, I could stare at the Lolicon porn and simply not care, disgusted a tiny bit at some of certain art. I looked at pictures of young girls (real) and it seemed to hold true for a little while.

It was the best 10 minutes of my life in a very, very long time. After awhile I guess I went too far and eventually it didn't have the profound effect it did. It's been almost 2 hours since and I not only feel like I've slept for a few hours, and despite it being 40 degrees F without the heater on, I've felt at a comfortable temperature (which is highly unusual, I didn't notice till this moment; I'm very prone to the cold). Whether or not it's from the hypnosis is still to be figured out.


Over the next few weeks, I'll be keeping this forum topic as a journal so that everyone else can read up on my progress and comment.



HOW IT MIGHT WORK
The mind is a very powerful device. When we starve for nutrients, our brains can trick us into eating into raw fish, thinking fish eyes and livers are delicious treats. We can associate a bad or annoying sound or pain with smoking and quit. We can will our pain away as an illusion or trick it into thinking the pain is pleasure.

The mind is pretty powerful but when you combine it with knowledge, you can do some incredibly neat things with it. I for one was able to resist and fight the effects of drugs during surgery in my mouth (removal of the wisdom teeth). While I didn't feel pain, unlike most people, I remember everything that happened, I retained my balance (didn't need a wheelchair), and was well aware of my surroundings. I can direct my cravings towards a specific nutrient and force myself to want a specific food to fulfill those cravings. I can make myself have multiple personality disorder without an influence from my environment.


So while this seems spiritual like a form of meditation, there is a science to it.

Before I start the journal, I'm going to try to contact a few psychologists who knows about or uses hypnosis and study it myself. This is that point in the video that says, "Kids, don't try this at home... at least an all-clear sign is given by a professional." I will document everything and keep references and quotes from practitioners. If all goes well, and this turns out to be the first case of a cure for pedophilia, I'll publish it as my first non-fiction with special thanks to you guys.