Lets Try again

Hello,

Someone suggested I post this here.

For as long as I can remember, since I was a young child, I have had fantasies of being abused. From playing "doctor" with a young friend and desiring him to torture me (at like 6 years old) to being 10 or 11 and actually wishing aunts and uncles would molest me. As far as I know it never happened unless its suppressed. I made of various scenerios in my mind where I was me or a girl I made up in my mind and played them out in my mind time and again and then the internet hit and I was able to find partners to roleplay the various things I made up. I was everything from myself looking for a gay BDSM relationship to a young girl to a young adult woman (but never a young boy for some reason) and all these personas were created for the sole purpose of chatting with men who wanted to abuse and hurt the person I was pretending to be. One was realistic enough to warrant a visit from ICE but they seemed more interested in the men contacting me then anything else. I did not ever ask for, look for, own, or trade illegal photos but I did view many legal BDSM porn photos always desiring to be the tortured woman. I have no interest in torturing anyone. I even tried one time to be a dominant in a BDSM relationship with an adult woman but I found myself just always wanting to be her, not do anything to her. I have no desire for young girls either and when I hear of young girls abused if anything I have a uncharacteristic murderous desire towards the abuser and my heart breaks way out of proportion for the girl abused. I also have normal heterosexual relationships and am actually planning on marrying soon. The desire to be a submissive young woman lives in my mind and I Can not seem to eradicate it. What is wrong with me?

Hi,

I actually don't see there as being too much wrong with you. You must realise that the brain is one hell of as complex organ, and it's 'impossible' to stop it from generating thoughts. Some thoughts might make us feel better, even if they aren't accepted by society (i.e. if the thoughts were to happen in real life). However, there is no law against thinking anything. What is in your head can stay there forever, never to be released in a harmful way. I don't want to tell you to enjoy your fantasies, but please don't feel any less of a person for having them.

Kevin

Hello,

I guess the good thing is that I can never actually be a younger female in real life so there is no way to live it out and considering I have no interest in abusing anyone I can not do it in a way harmful to anyone else even if I could. I don't think I am normal though considerign its a borderline obsession at times and the age at which this started is totally unnatural.

Okay - yeh - 6 years old is a little young, but i reckon there are so many others who have such thoughts at that age. It just depends on how soon your hormones start getting produced (I suppose...?) but also what you've experienced. I can remember masturbating at around 10 or so, but I had little idea what it was that I was doing exactly. I just remember it feeling good, and even passed the knowledge onto my brother. I used to call it 'the scratches', humerously.

Kevin

Taking the place of the victim appeals to many I'd guess, even to men (including myself). The important thing is, like Kevin implied, releasing those fantasies safely. Even a borderline obsession can be harmful to you if it interferes with your life somehow. If that's the case, I hope you feel welcome to discuss the issue here, or whatever else you might need help with. Sexual obsessions are often caused (and made worse) by stress, anxiety, depression and other health problems which, once you identify them, might be treated any number of ways.

However you decide to deal with your fantasies, I hope you feel supported here.

Well considering about 2 years ago it earned me a visit from ICE with a search warrant because apparently I did too good a job of roleplaying a victim (well actually roleplaying as someone who knew someone who would be a victim) I would say it has affected my life. Considering I still do not have the stuff they took it still concerns me though about a year ago they said my stuff would eventually come back. My understanding is that return of evidence is bottom of the barrel in terms of importance. Before you get any ideas, I made up a 2 personas with the goal of getting people to chat a roleplay scenerio would I would be the first person I made up pretending to be the other (who was underrage). It did NOT involve any real people except for the people who chatted with me (whom ICE seemed infinately more interested in) and it did NOT involve any illegal pictures. My fascination is with BEING A victim .. others being victimized does not appeal to me, in fact, it angers me. It was just playacting and several layers of playacting where I was a character I made up pretending to be another character I made up and that was taken too seriously.

I started having such fantasies at the age of about 5 or 6 too so you are certainly not alone here. I'm a sadist more than anything else, but I have often played the victim and fantasized that I was the aggressor, so kinda the flip side of what you described. Anyway, I have often had similar feelings of wondering whats wrong with me since I am a woman and I've read that fantasies like mine are quite rare in women. So you're not alone in feeling like there's something wrong either.
I think you should give yourself due credit though for keeping your fantasy life legal and for not crossing harmful lines either to yourself or others.
Have you ever confessed your thoughts to your fiance?

Does acting out your fantasies cause you trouble day to day? Does refraining from acting on them cause you any discomfort? It does sound as though it's been a problem for you, especially with the authorities getting involved. I think posting here was a good step forward.

If you knew you could, would you like to leave the role play behind you?

I absolutely would give it up .. to be honest, its a pointless waste of time. I know that. I don't know what the cause is though. I don't know the source.

As long as that's true I'm sure you'll be all right. Could a meaningful relationship with someone in real life help at all?