Family Harmony

So I have a little bit of a conundrum and I don’t know how to proceed. I have a niece, my sister’s daughter and she is still a gorgeous little toddler. I have noticed recently, I’d say with in the last month or so that that I have looked at her with more than normal affection. I guess to put it bluntly is I am starting to find her sexually attractive. At this point these are just thoughts; I am not having urges to touch her or whatever I am just recognizing that I have these feelings. During my weekly check in at group I brought up these new feelings and the group therapist thought I should tell my wife, my individual therapist and my sister. When it comes to telling my sister I am hesitant because of a few reasons the first is lots of people find other people attractive that doesn’t mean they are going to engage in sexual liaison with them just because I have a disorder why should I be held to some higher standard. Second reason is I don’t want to scare my sister into thinking I can’t be around her or her family I mean it’s not like I am out of control. To me this is the same as if my brother-in-law was attracted to my wife it doesn’t mean they are going to do any thing about it this just means they are sexual people.

So what do you think should I tell my sister or not?

I think you should tell all three lostson, as your sister she should know. if she is aware of this disorder then perhaps she wont be too concerned, but you need to tell her.

Lostson wrote:During my weekly check in at group I brought up these new feelings and the group therapist thought I should tell my wife, my individual therapist and my sister. When it comes to telling my sister I am hesitant because of a few reasons, the first is lots of people find other people attractive that doesn’t mean they are going to engage in sexual liaison with them, just because I have a disorder, why should I be held to some higher standard.

The difference is I think, that you have a number of factors that put you at risk of acting on those feelings. As opposed to say your brother in law, and other people whom you speak about. It's not that you are being held to some higher standard, it's just that you have a lot more internal barriers to overcome, to reach the protective factors that others have.

For example:

You have a lower impulse control.

When you get those urges they are difficult for you to control and manage.

Your attraction doesn't come and go. You can be prone to obsessing over wanting sex with the child you find attractive. Your thoughts around this are very intrusive. As opposed to say other adults for whom their adult attractions come and then go just as quickly. Those thoughts don't dominate their lives.

You have trouble regulating your emotions.

Things can easily trigger all of the above responses in you.

Does your sister know already about your sexual attraction to children?

I think telling your individual therapist, your wife and your sister, about your attraction means that these people can then act as other supports that you need, to help you to manage all of these risks.

Managing your risks better, keeps you safer and your niece safer. I think it's a good idea.

Thanks for the advice

To answer your question yes my sister knows I am a pedophile I told her 2 years ago and she has never brought it up since so whatever that means. When she asked me to watch her daughter in the past she always says it more like she was asking my wife. My wife is pretty vigilant of any interaction I have with children anyway and I always leave the room when she changes her I don’t need any extra stimuli then what I already have, know what I mean?

Yes, then tell your sister then, and your wife of this...

Yeah I already told my wife and I think I will tell my sister next time I see her.
Thanks

Lostson wrote:To answer your question yes my sister knows I am a pedophile I told her 2 years ago and she has never brought it up since so whatever that means. When she asked me to watch her daughter in the past she always says it more like she was asking my wife.

Well that's good news, she sounds very supportive. I know how hard it must be to have to tell her about this. But I think honesty will strengthen the support you have from her.

Lostson wrote:My wife is pretty vigilant of any interaction I have with children anyway and I always leave the room when she changes her, I don’t need any extra stimuli then what I already have, know what I mean?

Well that's also good news about your wife. I think letting her know, also increases the trust between you and her.