my shame

Hi all,

My life has been deeply hurt and affected by
certain events in the past, and I am writing
this both to gain perspective from others,
and in the hopes that I can heal. Any
comments or suggestions are welcome.

I went through a phase in my early teens
late twenties of isolation - I spent a great
deal of time alone with my computer, and
used it to satisfy pretty much every need I
had - social, sexual, whatever. I remember
being intensely self destructive - to the point
that I paid two people to beat me up rather
severely, among other things.

It was at this time that I viewed things
online that I hope never to see again, and
some things that I am just plain not proud
of viewing. I wanted enough leverage to
commit suicide, but over time, these things
became sexually charged up.

The summer after I finished school, some
friends found these things on an old disk
I had. It shocked and shamed me that I
kept anything like this, and my friends
quickly set about tormenting me and alienating
me. I spent that summer drunk and again, in
a very dark place.

After that summer, I lost my sex drive all
together and just became numb. I have
tried to move forward and be constructive
and normal in spite of this, but the new
friends I've made and the new successes
I have had
are all lost, because I can't think of anything
else except this shameful part of my existance,
and sharing it with others immediately alienates
me. I don't know where to get help - every
shrink I've talked to has very little to say, and
just wants to try various meds, most of which
do not work for me.

As of now, my good friend, who I confided some
of this in, has probably shared this with numerous
people. I feel nothing but shame and misery.

Help.. what can I do?

Welcome oldwoundshealslow. I hope you accomplish your goals here.

Your old friends sound like traitors and your professionals sound like pill-pushers. I'm sorry you've felt so isolated and ashamed. Try to keep your head high. Your friends each have their faults and weaknesses as well. You won't be ostracized here for what's happened to you, for how you feel, or for any fantasies you've had. I hope you share something about those things here when you feel ready to.

Do you have the means to get a new, hopefully better shrink? I recommend asking for someone who'll give you theraputic relief rather than just meds. I personally use ACT, and am happy with it, but there are different kinds and various combinations could help you more.

By writing here, I think you've taken a good step toward at least understanding your condition more fully. I hope you'll hang around as long as you need and post as much as you like.

It's always nice to hear from new people. We all have things in our past we aren't proud of and this is a great place to exercise demons. Therapists are all to often text book professionals. They just find examples close to what they hear and give you a generic answer. If you don't mind me asking what is your paraphilia do you think? I'm going through a divorce right now and 5 days a week I sleep at my parents house. Lonliness is a terrible beast that sometimes gets the best of us. I try to embrace it but all it does is make me feel worse about being me. But I'm working through it. I, like S3, hope you find yourself able to open up and discuss what's ailing you. Glad you're here.

oldwoundshealslow wrote:Hi all,

My life has been deeply hurt and affected by
certain events in the past, and I am writing
this both to gain perspective from others,
and in the hopes that I can heal. Any
comments or suggestions are welcome.

I went through a phase in my early teens
late twenties of isolation - I spent a great
deal of time alone with my computer, and
used it to satisfy pretty much every need I
had - social, sexual, whatever. I remember
being intensely self destructive - to the point
that I paid two people to beat me up rather
severely, among other things.

It was at this time that I viewed things
online that I hope never to see again, and
some things that I am just plain not proud
of viewing. I wanted enough leverage to
commit suicide, but over time, these things
became sexually charged up.

The summer after I finished school, some
friends found these things on an old disk
I had. It shocked and shamed me that I
kept anything like this, and my friends
quickly set about tormenting me and alienating
me. I spent that summer drunk and again, in
a very dark place.

After that summer, I lost my sex drive all
together and just became numb. I have
tried to move forward and be constructive
and normal in spite of this, but the new
friends I've made and the new successes
I have had
are all lost, because I can't think of anything
else except this shameful part of my existance,
and sharing it with others immediately alienates
me. I don't know where to get help - every
shrink I've talked to has very little to say, and
just wants to try various meds, most of which
do not work for me.

As of now, my good friend, who I confided some
of this in, has probably shared this with numerous
people. I feel nothing but shame and misery.

Help.. what can I do?

I can kind of relate as I spend most of my time on the computer. When you say shrink, do you mean a psychologist or psychiatrist? These days, psychiatrist pretty much just prescribe meds.

Many times, it's hard to put the past behind us where it belongs. Hopefully you can get the help you need.

Wow....people have had other not satisfying experiences with therapists (sometimes psychotherapists, different therapists, with different situations). Maybe you will find a good therapist. There are some out there. sometimes when people find them, its like they are heaven sent. It would help if maybe you could see the therapists before u pay for sessions, and i dont mean for physical means to see if theyre attractive or something, i mean kind of getting a read? it would help a bit. And wow, you should take it day by day. Slowly forgive yourself about all the things youve done and work on your wounds. You can get through it. May I advise something called "affirmations?" Maybe those would help.

Reduced libido can be a symptom of unhappiness (aka depression sometimes if you fit enough symptoms on some chart I haven't memorized) and you sound unhappy based on this.

Pills may be an okay short-term solution (though I am worried about the risks in instability especially for young people, what with the various spurious suicide as sometimes occurs in those who take SSRIs) but I think cognitive behavioural therapy kicks ass if you have a smart caring therapist willing to put time into it with you.

Reading the books on it is great prep though since it's much cheaper and prepares you to understand the terminology. Not to mention, they are full of anecdotes about various patients treated. Recognizing problems in others is easier and it allows you to address them in a way where you're not being accused and don't get defensive, but more that you relate to people who have cognitive distortions and think "oh, that's kind of like me, I'm not alone and by experiencing this I have gained the ability to empathize with people who have similar errors in their thinking". I think it helps to equip and prepare people who are apprehensive about therapy or don't know what to do with it, because reading that stuff gives you better tools to communicate so you feel more confident about doing so.