Nonconsensual fiction. Help appreciated.

Hello everyone. Please take into account that this is a very embarassing topic for me and I am sharing it with you all because I would like people's opinions on this subject. I am trusting you all to try and "help" me and not belittle me or call me a freak or some such.

A little about me. I am in my early twenties, I was raised with both parents, my parents have always supported me and loved me,and raised me in a Christian background, etc. I am a very loving young man, I am attractive, I have a good sense of humor and have a decent amount of close friends. I am waiting until marriage to have sex out of respect to women. I will try atleast

Anyway, down to the situation that has been slightly bothering me lately. Starting about 2 years ago I started to read romance novels, I would also browse porn etc. One day I came across a site that had Nonconsensual erotic fiction (rape stories). I found that these stories turned me on just as much as consensual stories, or regular pornography. I would occasionally read this stories. I always told myself that they were fiction and that since no one was involved and I would never do anything even remotely related to these stories that there was no harm done. Well, occasionally some of these stories involved a fictional account that involved children in them. (10) (13) and one of them.. even had a (6) year old in it. At the time I felt nothing wrong with it because it was fiction. Granted I only read these stories due to their nonconsensual material. I never looked for stories that had children in them. I have never had a "urge" "thought" "Fantasy" about any situation that involves anything like these stories suggest. Also I have quit reading these types of stories altogether believing it must have been some weird phase or something. Now though, since I have stopped... I have started to question what people would think of me. I mean people love me because I am a kind,loving, helpful young man. And I have read stories that would make people think i'm some ######6 freak. I have talked to my very close friends( about 5 of them). They all say that there is nothing wrong with reading a fictional story about things like that, as long as you understand the difference between fiction and reality. They also have stated that there are way worse things out there, like the real bastards that go out and do this stuff in real life. I agree with them. I think people who would go out and do anything like these stories are scum and deserve to get punished to the full extent of the law. I just wonder than, if people would look at me and say "your a hypocrit because you read fictional stories and got aroused by them about these things." But it's not the same, I know the difference between fiction and reality. I didn't break any laws. I will never break any laws or hurt anyone or be involved in anything that would ruin someones life like these instances can.

Anyway, it's like i have a fear of persecution. I know everyone has secrets but I feel that, if my secret came out, (even though I never hurt anyone and I would NEVER look at any pictures or any $#%^ like that.) In fact I am majoring in Criminal Justice, I want to protect people from the real acts out there. But i'm afraid people would look at me as some scum. In fact, recently it was driving me to the point of thoughts of suicide... I broke down crying to my mother telling her I read rape stories ( i did not tell her that 3 out of like 70 of them) involved children. What if she thought i was some scum like the real pedo's out there? I am not a rapist or a child predator or anything like that, but people I believe would assume that because of fictional stories I have read in the past. I feel that people would change their minds of me 100% if they found out. In fact it has kept me from sleeping, It is almost 5:00 am in the morning. I wrote to a well renowned psychologist in a email and explained to him everything I have told you all, he told me that from what I related to him that I have nothing to fear or be anxious about. That I had done nothing wrong.

I keep thinking about these hypothetical situations like when I get into a relationship, and I am loving my girlfriend/signifigant other, and taking care of her, if they found out what I had done 5 years ago or something, they would look at me as scum. I just don't know what to do. I would like to get your peoples opinions.

As I have said. My heart goes out to anyone who has known or gone through "real life" situations like the stories I have read. I want you to know that I am disgusted, revolted by these actions that are done to people in real life. But I read fictional stories about this? What do you all think? Btw, if anyone would like to talk to me, and actually help me I would like to have a intelligent discussion with someone on aim,xfire... whatever. I am reaching out to receive help, will someone try? Thanks everyone. And please don't hate on me...

I can't say for sure as I don't know your loved ones, but they might surprise you. I went through a similar thing you're going through, feeling like "if they knew the things I've looked at/done, they be appalled, or they wouldn't love me anymore" which makes you feel like the experience and love you share means nothing, like its predicated on some kind of lie . . a false self you present. I'm sure that all sounds familiar to you.

I broke down and told a few loved ones this horrible, earth-shattering, end-of-the-world secret that I'd been stewing over for months, ready to face some kind of final judgement and re-build some semblance of a relationship based (if possible) based on the truth.

I'll sum up the reactions with this: "So? You haven't really done anything, right?" One friend preached to me that its Catholic guilt, which may be right. I don't know. But that was generally the reaction. I'm sure there was some underlying concern, but nothing that effected the friendship/relationship. At this point, its like it never happened.

And this was beyond text-stories, unfortunately. Its something I still feel a lot of guilt/shame/anxiety about. But if people truly love you,
they will want to help you (especially if its bothering you like this), not condemn you.

Thank you for your post Duff. 40 views... 1 comment. No one has any advice or help to offer? Technically I don't believe I need help, I have moved passed these things, and never did anything but read some dumb fiction story. I would still like opinions though. As long as their not like hate speech. Anyway, 1 post

Personally I've read stories involving erotica on unwilling and often minor victims (usually 12-18 ). No sex was involved or I stopped reading the story anyways. The femdom/petticoating genre is female supremacy as often applied to all men (including boys younger than 18 ). Most of these stories made me angry when there was abuse.

But do you think this is normal to read this? I mean i do not condone any of this stuff, but what I want to know is this some hint of a problem or some crap?

Probably not. I definitely don't condone femdom wether I'm interested in reading some or not. Why would it be wrong?

I dunno man, I just have a feeling some professional would be like OH this a a sign that deep down bla bla, or some crap. I really have no idea why it would be considered wrong. But, I gaurantee that certain parents would be like if they found out what I had read (even though it was fiction) some would be like maybe he's dangerous, or some stupid crap. People are ignorant man.

...

it's very common to have rape fantasies, you have nothing to be ashamed of there. you can't control what turns you on, but you can control what you do about it. it sounds to me like you already have everything figured out. you eliminated what you felt convicted about. you just can't seem to get over the guilt. the same actions apply for anytime you feel guilt about what you perceive as past 'mistakes.' you remove yourself from your temptation, ask your God for forgiveness, and move foward. you have already taken the steps in the right direction to start the process of getting over it. now only time will heal you.

also, why would you feel you had to tell your significant other about this? i mean i agree with being open and honest with each other, but i really don't see where a relationship would benefit from her knowledge of this. i could understand if you had actually raped someone, for she would need to know about that. all you did here was accidentally stumble across a few stories of child rape, in your exploration of discovering your sexual self.

like liamir says you are a good christian. stop stressing about it.