why erotic self-torture?

Hi,

I've started a relationship with a male in his mid 20s who has strong masochistic tendencies. He likes to be controlled, dominated, humiliated, and tortured. All of his fantasies have this theme. He frequents S&M sites on the internet. He told me about his desires early on in our relationship and I thought it was really cool to try something new. He started sharing these fantasies with me more and more (mostly when we're on msn because he's often shy about his fantasies when we're face to face). I told him I am willing to try them so we started making out while he was tied up. We tried spanking. And also mild CBT. I also slapped him and bit him a few times. He absolutely loved it. I have to admit I liked it a lot too. I wouldn't call myself a sadist per se. But I liked having that power over somebody where I can push their buttons and watch them react to it. Other aspects of our relationship were going good at first too. I really liked his personality. He is also a very good-looking, funny, charming and decent guy.

But overtime, our relationship has gone from a bf/gf type relationship with a slight kinky twist to one where everything is about his fantasy. We'd hardly go out anymore. Everytime we talked on msn or met in person it was about his fantasies. He'd hardly even call me by my name. I was always "mistress". He started saying things like we're not bf/gf and our relationship is not serious. He'd say we're just "sharing our fantasies" and "having fun". He also wanted me to keep our relationship a secret. His fantasies got more extreme and sometimes violent. So I told him to tone it down a notch because he was started to freak me out with talk of cutting up his body parts, etc.

But I was really unhappy with the way things were going so I told him I didn't want to see him for a while. So I didn't see him or talk to him for about 1.5 months. But then I started missing the good things that we had in the beginning and we got back together. But ever since then things have gotten worst. I hardly ever see him anymore although we frequently chat on msn. He often tortures himself whenever no one is around and then he tells me about it. The last conversation I had with him started with me saying "where were you I was waiting for you" and him replying "I just finished torturing myself. I put your picture in front of me and tortured myself and I was imaging that you were doing it to me"!

I don't know what to do. I've been with this guy for almost 6 months (minus 6 weeks) and I really like him. Maybe even love him a little bit. But this is a major issue in our relationship. I can't help but feel like he's just using me to indulge in his perverted fantasies. He doesn't even want me to torture him anymore. He just has this urge to torture himself and then tell me about it later. Why does he need to do this? Is it because I don't torture him harsh enough? Is he embarassed about something? Did I do something wrong? I keep asking him why we haven't been hanging out as much but he avoids answering. He says everything is fine and that he's just been super busy lately (#######4 b/c he obviously has time to chat on msn for hours at a time). He's excuse is we'll hang out soon. He keeps saying "see you soon". I've only seen him 4-5 times in the past 3 months.

He told me before that he's really comfortable sharing his fantasies with me because I wouldn't judge him or think he was weird because of his masochistic tendencies. And I didn't think he was weird. I thouht it was cool that was he willing to explore his kinky side. But now I'm starting to think he is a bit of a freak with the whole self-torture thing. Thank god he isn't into strangling himself or something (that I know of :? ).

I'm not willing to lose him at this point, but I'm also not happy with the way things are going. I wish I knew what's going on in his head. If anyone out there is like him or knows somebody like that, please tell me why he is doing this? What does he get out of torturing himself? Please help me understand him a little better.

Hey, daiseygirl21! If this is making you unhappy, maybe you should tell him. I don't know why he has these fantasies, but you should be able to talk to him about it and have a good relationship. Don't let him take advantage of you. You could tell him exactly what you wrote about here, becouse you deserve to know how he feels about you.

Hi,

Freud elaborated nicely the sadism/masochism disorder.. With all his patients, he found out there are commonly both disorders within one same person.

I convince you that if he has masochistic "urges ", there are also some sadistic tendencies within him lurking about.

I suggest you to keep away from this guy before he harms you in some way ( doesn't have to be physical).

Best,
X

...

I self-torture. I do it because my husband doesn't approve of my fetish and I pretended to be "cured" so I wouldn't loose him.
But in past relationships I did it because I also got off on making someone who cared about me worry about me and feel sorry for me. I think it was a way to feel nurtured. Possibly also a way to emotionally torture them since I am also a sadist. I really think you need to talk to him about it more. There is nothing more important in a relationship than communication.