Torn between my paraphilias

Up front, i look at my turbulent and rapidly decaying life, and i become more sure i have antisocial personality disorder, but that's neither for this forum, nor what I want to talk about.

I am a hebephile. girls from 14 to 18 are the only girls that I desire enough to establish any sort of connection with. I've been out of high school for a few years, just recently turned 21 and I feel so detached from being able to satisfy this aggravating paraphilia. Moreover, I don't want to go to jail, and morally i don't consider this predatory behaviour if of course she consents.

Cutting, (along with autoerotic asphyxiation and self-debasement (on the part of both/all partners)) during sexual acts evolved into my replacement paraphilia. I'm not sure what this might be called, because though it shares similarities with sadism and masochism, the pleasure comes from experiencing, from outside, the girl's inner-turmoil and emotion pain; pain so all-engrossing that it can only be expressed through cutting. Another part of it is the closeness and intimacy i associate with sharing such an experience. Cutting is usually a very private ritualistic kind of thing. Someone letting me get so close to them is arousing. To get graphic, the last fantasy that worked for me was being ridden by a girl with piercings and tattoos cutting her upper chest as she climaxed and gently crying.

This paraphilia started since I had group sex with my then girlfriend and two other people. We switched partners and i was enjoying myself until i looked at her while the other guy was pounding her. I was turned on by it, but the look she gave me made me feel like a monster. I lost my hard on, her and i left the room and she started sobbing and blaming me, which compounded with my feeling like a monster and general disdain for living, I went to kill myself. I went to the kitchen, grabbed i knife and started cutting myself trying to build the courage to do it. They rushed me home and my girlfriend tried to bandage me so the bleeding would stop but I convinced her to leave. i took what was left of a Tylenol PM bottle and made two sufficiently deep cuts. i found myself the next day on her couch in a pool of crusty blood, in a hallucinative state from the drugs. Since this whole event, i can't enjoy sex, even the fantasy of sex, without cutting and self-loathing being involved.

Where it gets complicated: If i allow myself to fantasize with my primary paraphilia it feels healthier and i feel closer to being able to able to have healthy emotions toward sex. But since i can't legally fulfill my primary, and I don't often interact with girls that age, i try not to fantasize about it. the only other fantasy that i can derive gratification out of is my secondary, and far more destructive, paraphilia.

Since i feel pretty sure me adopting healthy sexual behavior is an impossibility, I can't figure out which of these is worse, or better. So I post this thread to get any kind of feedback anyone is willing to offer, though the discussion of seeking conventional therapy isn't what I'm looking for.

Hey TheBahhhdGoat, welcome to the forum. It looks like you really want to say how you feel to the girl who hurt you badly during that group sex situation but you felt you were unable to really let your feelings go. I wonder what keeps you quiet when the feelings rage inside?

Obviously the girl knew she had hurt you because she cried in fear of what you would do to yourself and, thereby, she blamed herself for giving you that look. Oh I hate those ######6 looks! Those demeaning, judgmental looks that leave you feeling like the $#%^ of a maggot. I think if you can start expressing your emotions, like you are doing now, on a regular basis, and avoid these condescending people, it will do a lot in keeping these paraphilia "under wraps." Keep posting on the forum.

In my opinion, you are attracted to the younger girls because they really don't know any better than to be perfectly honest with you and are insecure enough in themselves to crave your attention regardless of what you might say or do. In essence, they are the safer recipient of your affection than a girl, being experienced with guys, who can compare you with other guys and know they can crush you with one facial expression.

I think you wanted to cut her initially but was unable to do so without some assault charge, so you imagined, perhaps subconsciously, yourself as her, and cut yourself to try to "kill her." The mean look in this situation is even worse because the feeling of arousal goes beyond trusting another person, it is actually the manifestation of ultimate VULNERABILITY and she took that and stabbed a rusty, jagged, dull, knife in it while twisting back and forth.

Oh dude, I know what you ######6 mean!! Damn! I have been through it so that I even have to ignore women in order to protect myself from feeling hurt. They are in the malls, the stores, the restaurants, expecting guys to gawk at them in their new outfit, only to do that little hair "flick" in the opposite direction of you in order to tear you down a bit, like you don't deserve to look at them. I HATE THAT $#%^! It would be more natural to return a smile, looking away and not returning the look, (EVEN IF IT IS A FAKE SMILE) while walking away to show that they appreciate the attention, but are not interested.

However, I think that women do this to cover up their own insecurity about not being worthy of attention thus acting like they don't want it, but really crave it.

Anyway, I wanted to vent as well as relate to you. I have gotten to the point where I am satisfied in myself and don't need the company of another person in order to feel fulfilled. I work my ass off and work on my own life. I keep to myself and come in contact with others very infrequently. I love my siblings and parents and keep in touch with them. I think it would be good for you to figure what is really important in your life and keep your attention focused on those things because, believe me, other things will try to grab your attention all the time!

All the best to you.

radames:
Thanks for the reply. Two-three weeks ago I started writing an autobiography. I’ve avoided writing since the end of high school because I knew that the more I wrote about life, the more obsessed I got with the things that bothered me. So I was writing about the foursome and it dawned on me that I hate her for it. Hitherto I hadn’t thought about it like that. Haha, exactly, I felt like maggot $#%^, but the look she gave me wasn’t really angry, it was more like “how could you do this to me?” It wasn’t a condemning, it was more of a look of victimization, and that I was the one victimizing her.

My attempt to off myself hospitalized me. Apparently that amount of alcohol mixed with sleeping pills roughs up your kidneys pretty good. My girlfriend stayed and took care of me the week I was in the hospital. Both her and I were pretty antisocial people, so it was no wonder we stayed together for five miserable months after the foursome. She gradually slipped into a major depression after the whole thing happened. After she sought therapy, they put her on 8 different drugs for Bipolar disorder, which ruined her ability to orgasm. I didn’t feel ready to have sex but she insisted we keep trying. Haha I probably shouldn’t have done it, but hey all I had to do was lay there. Eventually we quit altogether. By December it occurred to me that she was unhappy because she still blamed me for what happened. I didn’t force her; she could have stopped it by merely asking me not to do it. She frequently used guilt to manipulate me and I seldom succumbed to it.

I think you’re right about why I like younger girls. I don’t see them as malicious and evil. I’ve been with 16 people, now I don’t feel like having sex with anyone, even though I have so much sexual energy/aggression. The girlfriend I had before this one was 15 and I was 18; for two months I was 19 she was 15, which people have given me a lot of grief for. Still I look back at that relationship as the only “healthy” relationship I’ve ever had. To look back at it as merely satisfying a fetish makes me regret it to some extent.

I like your interpretation of my actions, but I’ve always wanted out of life. Feeling like I’m a monster was something I had grappled with before the events after the foursome, so my actions were a revival of a previously held feeling. And you’re right about the interplay between vulnerability and what I did. Experiencing that type of sex had been something I always wanted to do, and while I was living out my fantasy her look ruined the almost dreamlike euphoria of the event. Somehow, that sudden emotional shift took me off-guard and I could reason my way through it. It went from good to hellish so fast.

I so hate that. Most often I just don’t even acknowledge their existence and dilute the potency of their behavior. Or I employ a different strategy if the chick wreaks of undeserved arrogance: i make very intense eye contact while wearing a subtle smirk, almost to say “Your ploy for attention is joke.”

I totally know what you’re saying about spending most of your time in solitude. I got to that point of satisfaction too and everything was great but to be able to afford my living situation I had to get a roommate, which makes achieving that level of satisfying reclusiveness difficult. For as much as I try to stay focused on important things, this sexual conundrum has made me want to be social in order to get some, but since I don’t really see anything I like when I’m out it’s futile.

Anyway thanks for hearing this out. You’ve been helpful.

Hi. I have to start with this... remember that it's called the "age of consent" for a reason. Someone at 14 can tell you they agree to have sex with you, but the human brain at that age cannot fully understand the implications and consequences of that decision. You can't truly "connect" with someone whose life experience simply cannot relate to your own. Please follow the law on this point for your own well-being as well as the girl's.

That said, you seem to have some issues with sex, to put it mildly. I am wondering if your family uber-religious or something along that line because you associate sex with guilt. That, along with the cutting, are ways to cope with repressed emotions. Have you talked to a therapist, not just about your sexuality, but your past, your fears, and your feelings? I feel like there's a whole lot more to your story that you are avoiding by focusing on your sexual attractions. It's like you're looking at a tree instead of the forest. What do you think?

It might not be socially acceptable (or legal, depending on locality), but 14 to 18 y/o girls are sexually mature from a biological standpoint, and really pretty close to your age. The unusual thing is that you're not attracted to girls in their twenties.

Do you watch porn? Do you ever watch porn with college girls? Do they turn you off, or just aren't as exciting as younger girls? Is it just sex, relationships, or both that you feel averse to with girls your own age?

As far as the cutting, that's not the first time I've heard of somebody cutting themselves to "feel her pain." It sounds bad on the surface, but probably just an outlet for your frustration.

Also, if you are actually ASPD, then that's absolutely relevant. I've read psychopathy described as social immaturity, so might relate to your age choice of girls. Honestly, you don't sound even close to ASPD from the way you've described yourself, but if you have a PD of any type, that's likely to restrict your treatment options.