Is this paedophilia? Very concerned, PLEASE REPLY

I'm 17 and have had OCD for years, including contamination and hygiene obsessions, and compulsions like not being able to step on any area in line with a central heating duct. It ranges from mild and dismissible to severe and debilitating. Recently, I've noticed thoughts which have got me very concerned, and I really need some help with this and to vent a little as I've become really stressed. Today I spiked so badly my brain sort of shut off and now I just feel kinda dead inside. Anyway, I don't really want this to become a long, rambling paragraph, so I thought I'd list out the information and you can decide for yourselves. TO CONFIRM, I HAVE NEVER ACCESSED CHILD PORN OR COME CLOSE TO OR COME CLOSE TO MOLESTING A CHILD. THE IDEAS HORRIFY ME. I know it's long but PLEASE READ AND REPLY!! WARNING, MAY CONTAIN OBJECTIONABLE MATERIAL

The Important Background:
-I have always been attracted to girls my own age and older and have had several major crushes on them
-I am shy and very insecure, smart, sensitive, self-loathing, non-violent, cheerful and outgoing around friends and have a high sex drive.
-I've got off to h-core (lesbian, rarely gay) pornography since age 14 or so, and I think developed a pornography addiction, which I'm worried might have cause me to be sexually deviant.
-A few years back I had a case of what I now think was POCD when I worried obsessively and got depressed over whether I had inadvertently viewed porn with underage women in.
-I have a high sex drive, particularly recently, getting off multiple times a day, and this concerns me as I've read its associated with paraphilias, like paedophilia
-I still have considerable attraction to girls my own age (Had one major crush this year) and to lesbian pornography
-Earlier this year I became concerned when I started to be turned on by gay fantasies (previously had had vague groinal responses to pictures of men-HOCD?). At first I resisted heavily yet eventually gave in to the intense sexual arousal and got off to the, feeling shame and disgust afterwards. Yet I continued to do this, and still do. I noticed the fantasies became maybe more explicit over time, and also recently more emotional (relationships) and have recently had new and relatively strong urges to act on these fantasies. I have had daydreams where a gay person has a crush on me, yet I always choose a girl over them. I have never had a crush on any guy and do not feel physically attracted to guys, save the groinal response occasionaly, and I only ever check out girls, so I don't think I'm gay, but have had periods of thinking I might be bi or gay.
-I don't like children, I don't want to hurt them AT ALL, but I find them boring and annoying.
-I have had other, somewhat deviant interests, like arousal at thoughts of lesbian incest (between ADULTS) and shemales, but these only occured occasionaly and I very rarely fantasise about them.
-I think child molestation is sick and would never want to do it, which is why I am so concerned.
-When I first discovered OCD, I identified with the symptom of fear of being a paedophile-I have been worried about it for ages.

The POCD/paedophilia and OCD
-A few months ago (4-5) started noticing groinal sensations when seeing pictures of pre-pubescent girls (never actual erections)
-I was somewhat concerned by this, and the implication I might be a paedophile
-My concern increased over time, but I also eventually (don't remember too well) experienced increasingly intense arousal towards young girls(which I am aware is VERY rare in POCD but not paraphilias, hence my concern), and one time gave into it and masturbated, feeling very distressed and trying to resist all the while, resulting in an intense climax but immediate depression and disgust.
-This made me spike and the anxiety consumed me for the next, maybe few days or a week. I looked up all these websites about paraphilias and paedophilia to see what the symptoms were and the perceived realtion to mine deeply concerned me. Somehow I managed to get over this, convincing myself I was not a paedophile and pushing the thoughts away.
-The intensity of the arousal then dropped back to the minor response, which recurred over the next 2 months, but I dismissed it easily each time, as I knew I couldn't afford the worry during my exams.
-For the month of holidays after that I was very relaxed, and experienced little to none of these thoughts.
-Recently began getting vague groinal responses during violent, sometimes disturbing video games. This disturbed me greatly as I've always been a non-violent, sensitive and kind person. My worry increased over time, until I 'tested' myself to see if I could get off to this violence. I was very disturbed to find I could to an image of a woman being strangled (this is very hard for me to type) but not a man. I then spiked with worry I could be a sexual sadist, and at the same time, while in a state of arousal, my paedophilic worry returned, and I 'tested' that, shocked to find some arousal there too) Somehow, the paedophilic anxiety ended up dominating, and I experienced intense urges of arousal to get off to pictures of young girls. The more I resisted, the more the arousal grew. I tried getting off to lesbian porn, but that was very unsatisfying, then tried to 'test' with pictures of young, clothed girls (NOT child porn AT ALL). I did manage to, but it took a bit of effort, and the climax was not very satisfying, a bit more than the prev one, but I don't know if this was due to diminished sex drive after the first one. I then tested it again, and managed to get off a second time but only with even more effort.
-The next morning (I always get aroused in the mornings) I found I could no longer get off to normal sexual stimuli (lesbian, gay, straight) OR pictures of clothed girls, so 'tested' to see if I could get off to more sexual images involving young girls(none violent or forceful), and to my disgust I found I could, though I did not want to be able to, yet during the getting off act I don't remember concern, only afterwards feeling extreme regret and worry, especially at the apparent progression of the fantasies and arousal (these thoughs before disgusted me), and the closeness of these symptoms to those of paraphilias.
-Since then I have been extremely worried, spending hours looking up paraphilias, very concerned to discover paedos exist who are disgusted by their arousal, and POCD articles on boards in a vain attempt at reassurance, as no one mentioned sexual arousal to the same extent as I had, and some of the paraphilia symptoms seem to fit mine well.
-My most recent spike occurred when I realised the parallels between my gay fantasies and my paedophilic ones, and I am deeply concerned about the paedophilic ones taking the same course until I have a desire to act on them in real life, a thought which HORRIFIES and DISGUSTS me. I have NO DESIRE TO ACT ON THESE URGES/FANTASIES, I just worry onr might develop. I cannot accept the idea of me abusing a child ever or that I might be a paedophile, yet my symptoms don't seem to fit POCD, so maybe I am a paedophile and my OCD makes me worry like this. I HOPE ABOVE ALL that I am not one and the thought I might ever offend sickens me and deeply saddens me. And if I am one, I will absolutely seek treatment. I'm just really not sure, and the arousal patterns deeply bother me. At the moment I am resisting all urges to get myself off to ANYTHING and avoiding any exposure to anything which might even make me think of children to try combat this. This is crushing me and I don't really know how much more stress I can take, I just worry all the time and can't stop because if I try distract myself, eg with video games, I feel I should be worrying and that I don't deserve to be enjoying myself. My OCD has also spiked largely lately with worries about other things, like whether I undestand anything or if I'm stupid (despite the fact I came top academically in my year) which might explain the resurgence but I just dont know...
If you made it this far thanks so much for taking the time to read this and PLEASE REPLY WITH YOUR OPINION. I NEED TO KNOW WHETHER THIS CAN BE EXPLAINED AS SOME FORM OF POCD OR IF I AM JUST IN DENIAL. Thanks for any help you can give, and if u need any more info to help, please just ask.

Main reasons for concern:
-The intense arousal to the urges/fantasies prior to checking
-Some of the getting off being more giving in to the arousal rather than 'testing'

-The similarity of this pattern (intense arousal-strong resistance-giving in-horror+disgust+anxiety+testing) to the gay fantasies (intense arousal-strong resistance-giving in-horror+disgust+anxiety+testing), then followed by (gradual acceptance of fantasies-increase in urges to act on them in real life over time, accompanied by 'acceptance' of bisexuality, though I am not sure about this) The parallels and the fact the paedophilic urges seem to be following the same course deeply disturb me as the last thing I want is for them to continue, let alone become 'acceptable' and get urges to act on them in real life.
-The previous point doesn't really seem to fit with the symptoms of POCD at all, as the urges, even to get off I'm sure, never seem to result in arousal and are never actually acted on, with only checking perhaps resulting in some arousal. It seems more like the symptoms of a paraphilia, as said on wikipedia:

Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders 4th edition, Text Revision gives the following as its "Diagnostic criteria for 302.2 Pedophilia":[24]

* A. Over a period of at least 6 months, recurrent, intense sexually arousing fantasies, sexual urges, or behaviors involving sexual activity with a prepubescent child or children (generally age 13 years or younger);
* B. The person has acted on these sexual urges, or the sexual urges or fantasies cause marked distress or interpersonal difficulty;
* C. The person is at least age 16 years and at least 5 years older than the child or children in Criterion A.

The APA diagnostic criteria do not require actual sexual activity with a pre-pubescent youths. The diagnosis can therefore be made based on the presence of fantasies or sexual urges alone, provided the subject meets the remaining criteria. "For individuals in late adolescence with Pedophilia, no precise age difference is specified, and clinical judgment must be used." (p. 527 DSM).[25]

-The existence of ego-dystonic paedophilies (ones who are significantly distressed by their thoughts)

-I'm positive I was aroused before checking and it was pretty intense, got more intense the more I resisted, but when I gave in, the intensity dropped significantly and it wasn't that easy to get off. This is the main problem I have with being content to think it is POCD as well as the parallels to the gay fantasies.

THANKS FOR READING AND PLEASE RESPOND

" Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders 4th edition, Text Revision gives the following as its "Diagnostic criteria for 302.2 Pedophilia":[24]

* A. Over a period of at least 6 months, recurrent, intense sexually arousing fantasies, sexual urges, or behaviors involving sexual activity with a prepubescent child or children (generally age 13 years or younger);
* B. The person has acted on these sexual urges, or the sexual urges or fantasies cause marked distress or interpersonal difficulty;
* C. The person is at least age 16 years and at least 5 years older than the child or children in Criterion A. "

###$ THAT, C in particular, your 17 and in the prime of your hormonal drive, if your fantasie developement surpises you or worries you take a step back masturbate with mental images, instead of actual porn, try less hardcore and more erotic porn or fantasies, im saying this because ive been through this myself, you wouldnt hurt kids for all the wealth in the world right ? then cool no problem, your not a peadofile, you have sexual fantasies, nothing to it, if you dont act on urges you know are wrong then there is no problem youve got your values straight and even if you notice you really are atracted to "kids" try looking for childish looking woman, i mean petite, small breasted, its just sexual preference, porn on internet includes ALOT of huge breasts, not the best excuse and yes if you look you will find but still, there are more explanations then peadofilia, and for gods sake man ur 17... your still a kid yourself

btw im 20, so im not that much older then yourself and yes i have asked myself these same questions, but it only screws with your mind, and you really hit me with (i find kids boring and annoying) lol my thoughts exactly ;p. or something like that, well thats what i ment with fantasies, they range on a whole differant scale then reality, and as long as youre able to discern between the 2 your doing just fine ;p at least id like to think so but im sure loads of people disagree, if you want to talk? or read something bout me, incase you feel uncomfortable with me popping up ;p try poetry forum, im a regular there, actually i ended up here by chance. the name paraphilia drew me in ;p anyways hope it helped, cheers

Tortured Mind

OCD can be more debilitating than people think. You're not going crazy.

some types of OCD can include intrusive violent/sexual thoughts
That are frightening or repulsive to the sufferer.

I have experienced this myself.

x

karate,
TM and Roselily gave great opinions and advice.

Thank you TM for the your view point. It matters.

karate, if it was me, I would stop TESTING myself.
Your OCD is making you obsess on "What am I?"
in the sexual world. Try and relax and think about
other things. I know it is hard for YOU to do that.
I understand how OCD can drive your life.

These are great points, but I disagree that it's something not to be worried about. It sounds like karate may be a pedophile unless his preferences change after he stops "testing himself." Aknowledging an attraction to kids or past mistakes shouldn't be something to get down on yourself about though. I currently define myself as a pedophile. I'm 25, married and have a good sex life inside the bonds of my marriage. I started off the same way karate did with very few exceptions, but still struggle with the attraction to this day. I'll post my story in another thread.

S33EEZ wrote:These are great points, but I disagree that it's something not to be worried about. It sounds like karate may be a pedophile unless his preferences change after he stops "testing himself." Aknowledging an attraction to kids or past mistakes shouldn't be something to get down on yourself about though. I currently define myself as a pedophile. I'm 25, married and have a good sex life inside the bonds of my marriage. I started off the same way karate did with very few exceptions, but still struggle with the attraction to this day. I'll post my story in another thread.

Hello S33EEZ,
jmho: I applaud karate for even saying these thoughts are there and they make him wonder. With the world of Tech comes things some have never even heard about. So natural curiosity's (sp?)
can be examined.

I dont know how you meant "the bonds of my marriage" ?
Does your wife know that you consider yourself a pedophile????
I will look for your other post. Please stay away from children.

I meant nothing out of the ordinary when I said "inside the bonds of my marriage." We have no children. I trust you've already found my brief introduction at the following post http://psychforums.com/viewtopic.php?t=23807&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=0

S33EEZ wrote:I meant nothing out of the ordinary when I said "inside the bonds of my marriage." We have no children. I trust you've already found my brief introduction at the following post http://psychforums.com/viewtopic.php?t=23807&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=0

The link helped. No I had not went and hunted down your "brief"
intro.
I can imagine this being your wifes worst nightmare, if she is a survivor of sexual abuse and then her husband admits you have a addiction to p0rn and young children.
JMHO: get in a 12 step program and stay as far away from p0rn, and children as you can.
I will be wishing best wishes to your spouse, what a nightmare.

SmallTalkRed wrote:

S33EEZ wrote:I meant nothing out of the ordinary when I said "inside the bonds of my marriage." We have no children. I trust you've already found my brief introduction at the following post http://psychforums.com/viewtopic.php?t=23807&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=0

The link helped. No I had not went and hunted down your "brief"
intro.
I can imagine this being your wifes worst nightmare, if she is a survivor of sexual abuse and then her husband admits you have a addiction to p0rn and young children.
JMHO: get in a 12 step program and stay as far away from p0rn, and children as you can.
I will be wishing best wishes to your spouse, what a nightmare.

You've assumed the worst about me. My wife knew everything before we were married and she doesn't consider me a threat.

EDIT:
I should add that her trust for me is diminished when I give in to the temptation to look at lolicon, but she also knew I was a pornography addict before we were married. She knows really everything about my history and nearly everything about my present state. She knows I write here for example, although what I write I plan to keep confidential unless I'm convinced that it's worth it for her to read it. I don't have any plans yet to tell her that I still look at non-pornographic pictures of girls, real or drawn. I may confess those things when I feel more confidence in her capacity to respond in a healthy way. I don't masturbate to those pictures in case you're wondering.

No one should ever view child pornography. The demand for it directly leads to the sexual abuse of children. This abuse has terrible and long-lasting effects on the victims including depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, anxiety,propensity to further victimization in adulthood, and physical injury to the child, among other problems.

The person who began this thread must keep in mind that he has done NOTHING wrong. You have caused no harm to anybody. You know that child abuse is wrong and are rightly disgusted by it. Always keep that in mind. You are a moral person and your concern demonstrates that fact. As a teenager you may be confused. You possibly aren't thinking rationally. It is possible to be sexually aroused to children on a particular occassion, for example, yet not be a paedophile. The attraction needs to be strong and long-term. Testing yourself is typical of POCD. You could very well just be straight and not even be bi-sexual, yet alone a paedophile. Testing yourself by masturbating is stupid. The act of masturbation results in pleasure. Paedophilia can be treated to an extent, although it can't be gotten rid. Don;t rush to conclusions. Treatment for POCD may be that which you atually require. With the whole i-sexual thing, you don't even need to worry about that as there's nothing wrong with being lesbian, gay, bi-sexual or transgendered, not that you are even bi-sexual.

Good luck anyway and try not to let these thoughts control you. Try to control them.

Yours faithfully,
Paschal