Could this work or am i just using her??

Hi and a warm thanks to anyone who cares to read this. I must say how happy i am to have found this site, it took me a long long time to find somewhere i feel i can disscuss this. Its also the first time i have spoken about my problem and no one knows about it apart from you, and i think i'll feel good having done it. I also hope i am safe here to talk about it without any of my details or ID being passed on. This is the sort of paranoia that has developed in me since i accepted who or what i was.

Im a 34 y o male living in the UK and there's a real feeling of hatred to paedophiles over here. The p word does seem to equal terms such as: child molester/pervert/rapist ect and i'm sure most parents would feel uneasy if i was near their child if they knew the kind of thoughts i have, this part of it really hurts as i can control my urges probably more than the average hetrosexual male due to the circumstances. I realise these assumptions are so inaccurate but media and society seems to prefer to make the association. It's also been hard to make contact with a therapist or doctor in fear of what their views may be so it simply gets bottled.

Everything seemed normal through puberty, i spent 3 years at an all boys boarding school from age 14 - 17 to which i sometimes feel like blaming for my unwanted problem today.
It wasn't really until i reached my low to mid twenties that i started to realise that i did have issues.

The introduction of a computer and the internet in my life 5 years ago certainly marked the begginning of a slippery slope into the world of p____________ (I've become to hate this word so much i find it difficult to type or say it in public although i started saying it to myself a year ago).

The last 5 years has been an especialy bad time as the unwanted thoughts eat away at me day-by-day. Once the guilt and shame settled in i ended up trying to isolate myself from everyone and resisting normal relationships as much as i could in fear of what the future may hold. I think most men like me would understand my reasons as i am a good person and wouldn't want to hurt anyone especialy a kid. On several occassions where i have been attracted to young women, they havent been attracted to me and vice versa. I put this down to an un-easy vibe i give off and they pick up on it. . I also ended up smoking canibis alot to escape from my emotions but in the end ive concluded it probably made matters worse.

It started becoming habitual to look at pretty young girls in the street as i walk by which only started to plague my days of being out and about. This was really bad in the summer time at a beach or swimming pool. At the time of my realisation i was working nights in a casino and became pretty much nocturnal which ended up suiting me as i wouldn't often be in a situation where i would be near young girls, not in fear of my actions, but of guilt, shame and the fear of being seen to look. Up to recently it had also become difficult to look at myself in the mirror ecpecialy after sexual thoughts or privately fantasizing.

Over the last five years i've had many emotional breakdowns where crying seems to be the only release, i'll be ok for a few weeks then i'll start looking at pictures on my computer and then the guilt comes back and thats when i start to have mental battles with myself, these start to make me feel i'm going mad and insane.

I'm sure i'd never touch a girl with sexual intentions as i'm always overcome with guilt to even look at them. Fortunately i am also attracted to girls of an adult age too (although not as much) which leads me to believe i can successfully live with and even overcome these unwanted desires by denying them everytime they appear. Push them so far to the back of my mind i will rarely think about them again....this is the plan and now that ive painted some sort of picture of myself i would like to ask for advice on this situation that has risen.

Two months ago i was experiencing a low, (in fact these have been much more frequent the last 2 years as i have a non-related family crisis i've been having to deal with aswell.) All in all i was feeling i was slipping into a serious depression, hypathetically speaking, almost like dissapearing into a black hole but then someone entered my life, grabbed my hands and has been pulling me back out ever since.

This "someone" is a very attractive 17 year old girl who couldn't work out why i was resisting her so much. She made me take a real hard look at myself and put the question to me: "Why cant we be friends?" I simply couldn't answer her but i can say i find her very attractive, her age probably being a factor of the attraction. I had many nights of sobbing and emotional breakdowns as this girl was bringing my problem right to the fore-front. I wanted to her to leave me alone on one hand but on the other she was making me feel the normal person again that i once felt.

She had such an affect on me i started to believe that this was a solution to my problem and maybe i can put it behind me and live a normal life again. She's given me my pride back again, she's seen me for the person i am and not the problem i've got. At times i came close to telling her the truth about me thinking it would lift this curse from my shoulders. Maybe if she knew what i was going through and she could accept it, well, wow, that would be amazing!

Obviously i didn't tell her just like i haven't been able to tell anyone in my life. However a relationship has formed, as difficult as it's been to try and pretend i'm normal she makes me feel great. It's almost like she was the chosen one to come to my rescue, i know that's silly talk but i truly love her for what she has done for me.
This maybe isn't the normal love one would have for another but she certailnly means a hell of alot to me now. We have a sexual realtionship now and i think i can say she satisfies me in that department. It sounds all too good to be true as this is what i needed so desperatley.

There is a slight snag to the situation as she has 2 very young sisters of 3 and 5 (i think) this was another reason why i have been so nervous of the whole thing. I'm not concerned about my actions when i'm eventualy in the company of her sisters but i am concerned about my thoughts and the potentialy un-easy feeling i'll experience. She has mentioned already that her 5 year old sister wanted to go out to the counrtyside oneday and that it would be good if i could take them all out, of course i said yes i would like that.

It could be very good for me to be in that situation and to deal with any thoughts that may occurr, either way i'm not concerned about it, just nervous.
The only real problem i have with all this is that my love for her is a complicated one, she is too young to even contemplate telling her the whole truth about me although i do want to one day as it will be a huge relief if i ever thought she might understand.

That's about it, she's rocked my world, i've made major changes to my attitude, cleaned out all photos i had and got rid of all reminders so i can be at ease that she wont find out before the time is right. I've even quit smoking now(canibis too) so i can stay as young and healthy as possible enabling me to form a good realtionship.


Am i wrong here? i think i love her for what she has done for me rather than for the person she is, but it's still love and if it works it will be the best thing thats ever happend to me.



Please be open in your reactions and comments, i would really appreciate another prospective on this.



Thanks very much for your time

Regards

Hello again,

This was the first time i had put my thoughts onto paper only because of another person getting close to me. I now need some other view points to help me deal with this situation better.

It's clear that no one is replying to me maybe because they are too disgusted or are only interested in reading peoples problems.

If there is nobody that can advice then is there anyone that can recommend other forums where this subject is openly talked about with like-minded people?

Thankyou

The only real problem i have with all this is that my love for her is a complicated one, she is too young to even contemplate telling her the whole truth about me although i do want to one day as it will be a huge relief if i ever thought she might understand.

In my opinion whatever its worth, If she is too young to be open with, then she is too young to have a relationship with. If she is too young too understand something why would you want to be in a relationship with someone below you comprehension level?

Reading this, I come to understand that maybe, you know this is wrong. so that is good, cause it is.

My suggestion go get some counseling!! Tell the girl, end contact till she is of age, do not put yourself in a situation where you are alone with children. And do not seek counseling from other pedophiles since that will give you justification.

I'm not even going to get into the being a pedophile is something you are born with.

I do have to say it takes courage to write what you did. thanks for being honest. please continue with getting some help.

I read most of that. I was going to relate and post some of my thoughts, until I saw that you're 34. Being 34, and being interested in a romantic relationship with a 17-year-old, is unhealthy in itself. So I'm not sure how much positive benefits you could realistically be getting from it. She's half your age, and not even a legal adult yet.

My story is a somewhat similar one--most of which can be found in the "living with paedophilia" thread. I was 21 and began a relationship with a 17-year-old who had an 8-year-old sister, and that experienced changed my life (for the better). But the fact that I was roughly the same age as her and we both were (and still are) learning about ourselves and life makes that a starkly different situation.

Granted at 34, or any age, I guess you're still learning about yourself. But the life experience and expected maturity level of a 34-year-old is not an appropriate match with that of a 17-year-old. I could be wrong, but you may be getting an unhealthy paedophiliac pleasure out of your relationship with her itself. I imagine after living with the issue for 10+ years can make it easy to warp your perception of reality to cater to it, even if it's entirely subconscious. But I'm no expert. Another thing is, a 17-year-old shouldn't be "rescuing" a 34-year-old. In all likelihood she has a lot about herself she doesn't know yet.

My advice would be to not necessarily tell her about your issue, but to just acknowledge and then explain to her that the age difference between you two is inappropriate. And then my other advice would be what I'd tell anybody dealing with this issue, because it's what helped me a ton. If possible, talk to somebody who has gone through sexual abuse in their childhood and get them to open up about it, and really listen to how it damaged them emotionally. And then seek help. Don't let the fear of a counseler's opinion keep you from going, it's their job (and in most cases, legal obligation) to be unbiased and confidential. And the fact that you have never actually done anything, but have only had thoughts--and the fact that you recognize the immorality of these thoughts--is very good, and any professional out there will respect that.

Good luck.

my ex had a relationship with a 40 yr old when she was 20, she saw him recently and he asked her, "Did our relationship mess with you at all", She told him yes, that in hindsight she had felt abused, even though she did little to extricate herself, he had taken advantage of her, and they would never be freinds. His feelings were hurt and he responded to her, telling her that it was unfair of her to respond like that.

As her boyfreind it was clear to me how often she would stigmatize our repore based on this past experiance with him. Imo it played a part in the undoing of our relationship. As such i conccur that she was abused, in that it interfered with her ability to exercise a normal relationship thereafter.

please , dont do this.

the most you will get out of it is a broken heart, the worst will be many, many broken hearts.

Thankyou very much for your concerned replies.

I need to chew through your coments, but i DO have the situation under control as i have always promised to put her and her family first, and that i will do.

If anyone knows what the counselling involves i may consider it. There is no drug or a wave of a magic wand that puts everything right so the only benefits of seeing a counsellor (that i can see) is to teach me how to control my urges and progress onto a healthy adult relationship. However much this goes against the grain, i have heard about several successfull realtionships of a similar age gap that these people and associates have considered to be "healthy". It happens and is not uncommon.
She will be 18 in 3 months, i dont think her views will change much in that time as she IS mature for her age, thats why I think it can work.

Do I really have to end it dead and always wonder...what if? Wouldn't that be a slight over-reaction?
Should i maybe give her a chance of making a decision based on the full facts, i just need to trust her on that one.

Let there be no doubt, i have NOT entered this relationship with the idea of getting to meet her sisters, i only want her and also want to forget about the recent past. When i think back to the time before i had the internet and the opportunity to see lovely pictures of young girls, i was only ever attracted to girls of my own age and had several nice relationships too. Maybe if i had the internet 10 years ago i would have gone through these emotions alot earlier. If im prepared to put it in the past why do i so deperately need to end this relationship and drag the problem out again with a counsellor..... for what?





I will certainly be thinking about what you have all said and value your opinions.

Thanks again
Regards

Mature for her age does not entail being as mature as you, in my own relationship i have made the mistake of presuming that because someone has a very strong sence of self that they are on the same page as i. I have learned through experiance that this is not the case, it is an easy over simplification to think that another is as I. It can be trecherous to think that you share the same level of understanding as another just because they are in agreement. Relationships with such age spans do exist, it is true, but selddom if ever are they founded in equality.

the 17 yr age gap is one thing when a woman is 25, and the man is 42, but as a 17 yr old she has sooo much yet to discover about herself and her own desires, she is in a developmental stage where she is age aspritive, meaning she is trying to prove to herself and others her adulthood. at this moment you represent that in some way for her. It will not last. You will fall in love with her and she will leave you before long, then you will be over 40 and more desperate then ever, My concern is that if you continue your covetous nature like this and then she breaks your heart that you may begin to more drasticly act out you fantasys only after you've been reduced to a shell of your current upstanding charecture, When she leaves you, which she will, you will not have as many choices, you will be stuck and sad. and this will be the best it can get, worse still she may walk away from the whole affair resenting you as a weird creep, and it is likely that her capacity to trust will be affected.

i ask you. whats up with her dad? was he absent, abusive, ...?

Dear Dilemaman,
Is the Paedofinder General hot on your trail? I would certainly urge you to try to get some professional help concerning your desires for under age girls. If you havn't acted on your desires yet, good on you. I can appreciate how absolutely terrifying it must be to want help but are afraid of the consequences should you reveal yourself.
I suggest you back away gently but firmly from your 17 year old friend. You are leaning on her for help that should be coming from a seasoned adult who understands paedophilia. I get the impression that you are immature. Try to foster more relationships with adults of both sexes that are your own age. Whether platonic or sexual, having social congress with your own age group will help you mature in your attitudes.
Good luck. It is scary to be needing help but afraid to go get it. People in the U.S. also hate paedophiles. But that does'nt mean there is'nt some real help out there if you are willing to look.

Hi again,

Ive gone with my own gut feeling and confessed to her, she's even seen this page. Your views were overwelmingly strong but i feel that as all of you don't share my issue, you don't really understand my mental state, or her's.

She has had to grow up quickly due to her up-bringing, so i dont see her as a true 17 year old girl. I do have adult friendships and i dont spend all day long playing kiss-chase with her either.

When i confessed to her (which was the most frightening thing ive ever done), she was more angry that i had come to you people first before telling her. I will be really careful how i deal will things from now on, she still wants to be with me and has told me she fell in love with me and this is a part of me and realizes im not lying to her when i say this is a fresh start, unfortunatley you people obviously dont believe that.

We are two soles that have met, for better or for worse i cannot turn back time now. All i ask is that i have your best wishes for this new life im now part of.

When i made reference to me using her, well isn't that what relationships are about? I call it giving to eachother and she's given me the chance of a clean start. We love eachother and the people ive spoken to in my social circle have only given me their best wishes without criticism. My father has told me it'l be very good for me and my best mate says i'm a lucky bastard!


Well sorry if it seems i have stuck two fingers up at all of you, i just wanted to seek guidance from you but it seems you have seen me as a stereo-typical paedophile that needs help and controlling. You only live once, i have a good feeling about this and if EVER i feel i cant go on with my intentions i will bail out. You'll just have to take my word on that.

Again, i want to say thanks to all of you as i came to you, but out of respect to her i wont be continuing with this thread anymore, time to put it to bed.



Regards

dude now your acting the fool, you act as though everyone has seen you/treated you in the same way, the fact that your a pedaphile has little if anything to do with my posts.
but whatever, you came hear to see and share your thoughts , i can respect that, i also think that there was never a question in your mind, even though you phrased it that way. As i see it you have been fishing for justification, which frankly is VERY easy to do for most people.

But by all means, go ahead with it, you'll see. She will dump you, which is ok really, as i see it the worth of relationships is in the present, so as long as you realize that, then get the most ya can from it while it lasts. Just dont expect it to last. Whenever she is ready and without needing justification she will leave and that will hurt.