Regrets and sexual past of a 16 y/o

Hello everyone. I'm a 16 y/o gay male and it's my first time posting here. I'm posting this because I am feeling lost and anxious, and need some kind of feedback or advice.

It's actually the second time I am writing this post because I lost the first one but maybe this time I can articulate it better. It started when I was in 7th grade. Me and my family had just recently moved (because of my parents' work and my mother's depression) and I didn't have a lot of friends, spent a long time in front of the screen and was browsing sites such as unincyclopedia and sites related to 4chan which wasn't really healthy for a 12 year old. I must also say that I started masturbating pretty much ever since I remember, and occasionally had fantasies regarding my father and animals, but I really just see those as those fantasies you have when you're too young to even understand what sex is or the fact that you're masturbating. But before even frequenting those sites I had discovered pornography because some boys in my class were talking about it and I got curious. I had also gotten into anime so naturally those things came together and soon I was watching hentai in all categories. I now regret it so much. I didn't get much surveilance from my parents and they've never really forbidden me from any kind of content and since I was frequenting those "edgy" websites I never really put much thought into if what I was doing was right or wrong. Eventually I came across shotacon and lolicon and started masturbating to it. Perhaps in part because I identified with the children depicted as I was still young and still had fantasies about my dad sometimes, or it was something new, I don't know if I have any valid reason to excuse it. It was never about real children though, I never had any intention or desire to touch them. I also remember once going on a bestiality website and and once masturbating to art depicting bestiality but that was about it. I regret that so much aswell, and I no longer have any desire or need to repeat those things. I am no longer attracted to it. That said, I looked at it from when I was 12 and eventually stopped watching it when I was 14 and my interests shifted mainly to normal gay porn and sometimes more vanilla hentai such as bara. During this period I did not have many friends but the ones I did were also in those kinds of websites which made my humor dark and offensive, another thing I still hate about my past self. But in the 9th grade I started making more and better friends, which are still to this day some of my best friends, became more sociable and stopped frequenting "edgy" websites, Later, when I was still 14, almost 15, during a week when I was feeling really down and questioning myself it finally hit me, how wrong and immoral what I had seen and thought. I really hated myself and wanted to die because I saw no place for me in society. Nobody would want anyone with such a disgusting past and I was an embarrassment. The only thing that stopped me from suicide was realizing how much everyone around me cared for me and how heartbroken they would be if I were to die. I eventually got better, met new people, started accepting what I did as a mistake young people make when they're too dumb to understand the implications of what they do. And besides, I hadn't hurt anyone.
One situation that I'm feeling anxious about and feel the need to tell though is the time when one of my 8th grade friends invited me to his younger sister's party and she took me to her bedroom and threatened to scream if I tried to run and got on top of me and asked if I or my friends had a girlfriend. I made no advances on her and I said no and then one of my other friends came into the bedroom and I got out and she probably did the same with him. I really do not know what to think of this situation, but I believe that was just her acting out what she saw on TV. Maybe it is somewhat off-topic but I had to write it since I'm anxious.

My life in the 10th grade and 11th grade then got much better (I'm in the 12th). I got in a new class where I fit in, met new and great friends who I love and started focusing on new things such as art, discovered new music, started crafting my own stories, and finally started thinking seriously about dating. Realizing what I did made me focus on being a much better person, much more understanding. I got into social justice, started understanding a lot of new concepts and eliminating the prejudices I had, informing myself about social situations around the world. I didn't feel that people needed to know that disgusting part of my past, because I was a completely different person. I didn't stop watching porn, though. I watched normal gay porn and also read bara/yaoi comics, which sometimes can be quite problematic. I stayed away from the worst ones but I have to admit I read a few dubious ones which again featured characters who didn't look 18+ which I wish I hadn't because the regrets of it all now came back because I am facing new situations that require me to reevaluate myself.

These situations came this summer. It was also the summer I stopped watching porn for real, permanently, because I finally understand not only how bad it is for yourself, how it desensitizes you, but also how it degrades people. This summer a blogger I was following was called out for harrassing a 16 y/o online when he was 21. That brought up a lot of discussion about pedophillia and it triggered another crisis, which I dealt quite well with at first, I remembered I was young, didn't understand how bad it was. Soon, I got great news that a guy I had been interested in for a while earlier that year had noticed me and wanted to talk. I wasn't expecting getting into dating until I got to college because I thought I would never find anyone here. But we started talking and as I thought, we had a lot in common and got along very well. He's a few months older and in a different city. But then the guilt came back and we stopped talking for like a week because I just couldn't bring myself to talk to him with such a disgusting past and couldn't even deal with myself and what I did. When I returned from my vacation, while I was still anxious to talk to him, I decided to put my past behind me and do it. We met up multiple times and our relationship developed. We're still not calling our relationship anything but we kissed and made out multiple times. I really like him, as a person, he's very interesting and a great guy and we're getting closer. But that's precisely what's making me anxious right now, because I have something in my past that would completely change his perception of me and I feel like I am deceiving him if I do not tell him. And the same for those around me, my family, my best friends.....sometimes I wonder if I deserve their kindness. I think that telling him about my past is the right thing to do especially since I am not over it, but I'm not sure I should? I'm feeling really lost, wondering if i am a bad person, what makes a person bad, all that... Perhaps even letting him read this post and decide for himself whether to stay with me or not would be a good thing?. Of course I fear his rejection but I can't be selfish in a relationship. I want to be honest. Whatever his decision though, I will understand.

Now thank you for reading this wall of text. Any kind of feedback or advice would be greatly, greatly appreciated.

Hi aaaeee thank you for sharing some of your past, it takes a lot of courage to open up and share things that perhaps feels like regrets and mistakes.

I can't really offer advice, but feedback I can.

In my opinion I believe that a person should be able to move on from regrets of the past, whether that is seeking help from professionals, reconciling, or even understanding what the regrets are and showing remorse etc.

What I felt from your post is that you already have a understanding of "wrong doings" (although in the eyes of the law you probably haven't done anything illegal). This to me suggests that you understand that your were young, naive, had a lot of time on your hands, didn't have much restriction in terms of parental controls and were at times a typical teenager exploring types of pornography, and in some ways exploring your sexuality? I can only feedback from my own history of regrets involving internet pornography, becoming desensitised and moving on to more hardcore pornography and eventually illegal pornography (which I am now dealing with the consequences).

Personally I think you should not feel bad about your past, but look to the future and think how you can create more control in these areas (and also learn from your experiences).

Talking to someone about these sort of experiences in my own understanding is highly valuable for creating closure and being able to move on to better things.

What you need to think about is who to talk to, a person of profession or a councillor perhaps?

You can always PM me if you need some more feedback.

-OriginalDesign (OG)

Thanks for your feedback, OriginalDesign.

I really am aware of wrong doings and have really been thinking about my life, what I'll do from here on. I actually found multiple people on reddit with a story similar to mine. What really distresses me though is that I feel like I am not being honest with people if they do not know this part of my past. For the past 2 days I've been isolated, researching into this and thinking about what I did and how people would react if they knew (maybe kind of like an inferiority complex), especially the person I've been dating. We're still young, he's 17 so I'm not sure how his reaction is going to be like. We're going to meet up this week and I'm really not sure if I should tell him, but I feel like I should, because I don't want to feel like I'm deceiving him, you know? Especially now that it's been on my mind so much. I think therapy or counseling would be a good idea but wouldn't that mean getting my parents involved?

I don't see the problem. You visited some controversial websites and watched some alternative pornography. You sound like a normal teenager to me.

Thanks for your replies. I've already written a post but for some reason it didn't end up being posted?
I have pretty much forgiven myself for what I did. Suicide is not an option because of all the sadness it brings to those around us. Writing it made me understand myself a bit better. I did not understand very well what I was doing and finding stories similar to mine on reddit made me understand that what i had was more of a porn addiction. I became desensitized and all that.
My problem is acceptance. I am still young and in high school and have lots of friends and as I said I've been dating this guy who I really like and feel we have a lot in common. I have my friends' parties coming and he's going too. This anxiety is really ruining my life because I feel like I am not being genuine and honest if those close to me do not know about this disgusting part of my past. Sometimes I just don't feel worthy of their kindness. I keep thinking about telling this to my mom, and live the rest of my life dedicated to my family or something instead of pursuing education and love because I feel really terrible about myself. I'm still not sure about telling him about this and I am thinking of asking him for a break to settle things with myself. I'm also considering telling this to my closest friend, who I believe would understand but I don't really know anymore and I feel like a mess. I'm starting to isolate myself from the closest friends because of this.

You are at a place that I recognise and I am going to give you the advise nobody gave me at your age.

You are normal. What you have done is normal. You have nothing to feel anxious about. Forget the past, it is what it is. Go out and get yourself a boyfriend and don't be afraid to experiment, discover all life as to offer.

The more you dwell on your pubescent curiosities and beat yourself with societies righteous stick, the more screwed up you will become. If you close yourself off from friends and turn to the internet for relieve you''ll wake up one morning in 20 or 30 years time with the police knocking on your door calling you names like paedophile.

Seriously, you're a normal gay teen with normal gay teen curiosities. It's nothing to beat yourself over the head with. Get laid and move on.

---
(4 weeks and 1 days since last relapse)

Thank you very much. My problem really is thinking if I should tell this to anyone. I really like him and I don't want to waste his time. I have been, of course, very anxious. Should I tell anyone what's paining me?

EDIT: I also feel like he would be better off with someone who hasn't seen awful things and has so much anxiety but I don't really know.

If you really need to tell someone seek out a professional counsellor. If you think it will get in the way of your relationship, tell him. If he loves you he will understand. But seriously, you've nothing to be upset about, you've done nothing abnormal or wrong. We were all cursed with teenage curiosity at one time in our lives.

---
(4 weeks and 1 day since last relapse)