Confused On Who I Am

I didnt know whether to post this in OCD or this forum but I figured it belonged on here. I turned 17 in April and my last months of being 16 and my 17th year have been pretty anxiety and depressed filled. I'm going to tell you a few things about myself before I get to the main problem. I think I have OCD I'm not diagnosed with it but I'd say I do have it because when I was 14 I was certain I had testicular cancer even after I was told by the doctors I didn't have it. This fear went on for like a year. A little before that fear I started a thing where I would pull my hair out I actually created a small bald spot on my crown it was pretty embarrassing but at least it grew back but I still do pull my hair but not a ton. I had a few little scares of the years but my next major scare was last year in October I was certain I had leukemia I had a blood test it came back find but I thought I had it I was certain but eventually my fear jumped to lymphoma which again I thought I had had but my fear finally started to go away towards the end of January but in Feburary a new fear started which I'm currently still kinda of dealing with. My fear is HOCD I'm scared I'm turning gay it started when my moms best friend came out as gay which wasn't to big of a shocker but that did something to me I lost my interest in porn and my attraction to women faded. I use to have such a strong attraction to women I never have had a romantic feeling towards a man. I have had some same sex thoughts before I've masturbated to same sex images in my head before but I don't like gay porn. When I use to have same sex thoughts I didn't think much about them because I had such a strong attraction to women and I had straight thoughts way more than gay thoughts but this leads into whats going on right now. I'm scared I'm a child molester. This summer and last summer when I was with my nephew who is 4 I would get these crazy disturbing sexual thoughts. I'd never act on them cause it could ruin his life and I just couldn't live with myself. Another experience I had was like 2 years ago me and my friend use to play with this kid on xbox he was really funny he was like 9 I would get these sexual thoughts about him and I didn't even know what he looked like. And just recently I've been talking to this kid I met in a game he is 13 and I started getting these sexual thoughts about him and again I have no idea what this guy looks like. I masturbated to these thoughts and the disturbing part is I didn't feel bad or anything. I feel like I should feel bad I want to feel bad. When I read stories online about someone be molested I don't feel angry or sad I feel like I should be though. But I do remember in March I got really depressed cause I thought a kid was handsome and for like a week every time I saw a younger kid I would get depressed cause it would remind me about the thoughts and make me think I'm a child molester. I don't watch hentia or anything child related I have no urge to. Again I would NEVER act on these thoughts their just sickening and I couldn't live with myself. I'm just so confused. I don't even know myself anymore. Who really am I? I just need some type of pill to calm me down.

Hello Weston,

I am also new to these forums. As other users will no doubt soon communicate to you, and I suspect with considerably more gusto, far more people in this society than they will ever admit feel the same way you do. You don't have to make yourself feel like a monster for your involuntary attractions and reactions to beautiful people. It is pretty normal for older people to be attracted to young people, which is why so many men and women in their 20s, 30s, 40s, and up seek out relationships with men and women who are 18+. Youth is beautiful in a way that age is not, and vice-versa; this is why they tend to attract each other. But because of the horrid taboo that exists, hardly anyone is willing to admit to the attraction they feel for young people. This taboo will be sorted out by society in time, just as all taboos in history have done.*

*For example, at different times throughout history and in different societies, it has been an equivalent taboo to modern pedophilia to be any of the following things: homosexual, Christian, non-Christian, heretic, atheist, Jewish, infidel, communist, a witch, and so forth. For some reason, societies always need their scapegoats.

For the time being, I would recommend that you keep this secret under wraps as much as possible and only consider telling people you absolutely, positively trust and if you there is a real need to. Other than keeping it secret, you must also focus on never acting on those attractions in such a way that you detrimentally affect someone else's life and/or your own. You seem to be doing a good job of this already, but for instance, for me personally I don't allow myself even to be in the presence of children and/or teenagers. This makes things easier on me and also removes temptation from my life. Also make sure you do not fall into viewing JB or CP no matter how safe you think it is to do so. If you peruse these forums, you'll see many users have been arrested for doing such things, in circumstances in which they thought it was fairly safe.

Anyhoo, welcome to the forums and congratulations on taking preventive measures.

One last thing, I might advise against trying to self-medicate your problems away since I have a hunch people like us are more susceptible to drug abuse, which in turn leads to severe losses in self-awareness and self-control. Don't want to lose awareness and control of yourself...

I'll just start by saying that I related to some of the details of your story. I started liking girls around late 14 but soon after that I noticed I was attracted to boys my age as well. The feelings for boys disappeared around 16 and resurfaced at about 18 and I can now say that I am attracted to women and boys aged 12-15 for whatever reason. Anyway, you aren't a child molester and even if these attractions are in fact real and a part of you, temporarily or permanently, for whatever reason, just know that your thoughts don't determine if you are a good or a bad person, your actions do.

Could these feelings be a part of your obsessive compulsive thoughts?

At what age did you masturbate to same sex fantasies and what were the age of the people in them? Was it the fantasy itself that turned you on or could it simply have been the thought of masturbation? Were you 'testing' yourself or did you genuinely want to have a same-sex fantasy?

Why did you start having fantasies about the boys? Do you think it is to do with your OCD or do you actually find their voices very 'cute' and sexually appealing? How does their voice make you feel?

Do boys mean something to you that girls or women do not? How do you feel about women emotionally? Do you find them emotionally threatening? If you get along better with boys, can relate to them better and find them less emotionally threatening then do you think those factors might be an influence on your thoughts?

Did you simply admire the boys looks or were you actually sexually attracted to him? There is nothing wrong with recognising someone's good looks if that is what happened.

I'm still confused by my attractions and I hate feeling like I don't know myself too.

Starfire_777 wrote:Hello Weston,

I am also new to these forums. As other users will no doubt soon communicate to you, and I suspect with considerably more gusto, far more people in this society than they will ever admit feel the same way you do. You don't have to make yourself feel like a monster for your involuntary attractions and reactions to beautiful people. It is pretty normal for older people to be attracted to young people, which is why so many men and women in their 20s, 30s, 40s, and up seek out relationships with men and women who are 18+. Youth is beautiful in a way that age is not, and vice-versa; this is why they tend to attract each other. But because of the horrid taboo that exists, hardly anyone is willing to admit to the attraction they feel for young people. This taboo will be sorted out by society in time, just as all taboos in history have done.*

*For example, at different times throughout history and in different societies, it has been an equivalent taboo to modern pedophilia to be any of the following things: homosexual, Christian, non-Christian, heretic, atheist, Jewish, infidel, communist, a witch, and so forth. For some reason, societies always need their scapegoats.

For the time being, I would recommend that you keep this secret under wraps as much as possible and only consider telling people you absolutely, positively trust and if you there is a real need to. Other than keeping it secret, you must also focus on never acting on those attractions in such a way that you detrimentally affect someone else's life and/or your own. You seem to be doing a good job of this already, but for instance, for me personally I don't allow myself even to be in the presence of children and/or teenagers. This makes things easier on me and also removes temptation from my life. Also make sure you do not fall into viewing JB or CP no matter how safe you think it is to do so. If you peruse these forums, you'll see many users have been arrested for doing such things, in circumstances in which they thought it was fairly safe.

Anyhoo, welcome to the forums and congratulations on taking preventive measures.

One last thing, I might advise against trying to self-medicate your problems away since I have a hunch people like us are more susceptible to drug abuse, which in turn leads to severe losses in self-awareness and self-control. Don't want to lose awareness and control of yourself...

Sorry for the late response to be honest I was to scared to read the responses. But first I wanna say I have really never had a desire to watch child porn I just don't feel a desire to it. Like these sexual thoughts about these kids it only seems to happen when I'm talking to one for a while cause I've quit talking to the one I was having thoughts about and the thoughts have gone away. Again I've had the pedophile thoughts about 2-3 kids and its been over the course of 3-4 years and only like once or twice I had these sexual thoughts about them. And I would never never never tell anyone about this. This is one of the things that if people learned about your going to be labeled a freak and nuts. Funny thing is though I'd probably be the last person people would expect to deal with these kind of problems. I got a good amount of friends at school and a pretty funny guy. I know none of my friends would think I'm dealing with stuff like this. Kinda of another funny think is I'm really anti drug I've never used any drugs nor have a desire to could see myself in the future though getting some anti-anxiety medicine or something to calm my nerves. And I'll say this again I would NEVER do anything to a child it can destroy so many lives I would never want to harm anyone like that.

Mustelidae wrote:I'll just start by saying that I related to some of the details of your story. I started liking girls around late 14 but soon after that I noticed I was attracted to boys my age as well. The feelings for boys disappeared around 16 and resurfaced at about 18 and I can now say that I am attracted to women and boys aged 12-15 for whatever reason. Anyway, you aren't a child molester and even if these attractions are in fact real and a part of you, temporarily or permanently, for whatever reason, just know that your thoughts don't determine if you are a good or a bad person, your actions do.

Could these feelings be a part of your obsessive compulsive thoughts?

At what age did you masturbate to same sex fantasies and what were the age of the people in them? Was it the fantasy itself that turned you on or could it simply have been the thought of masturbation? Were you 'testing' yourself or did you genuinely want to have a same-sex fantasy?

Why did you start having fantasies about the boys? Do you think it is to do with your OCD or do you actually find their voices very 'cute' and sexually appealing? How does their voice make you feel?

Do boys mean something to you that girls or women do not? How do you feel about women emotionally? Do you find them emotionally threatening? If you get along better with boys, can relate to them better and find them less emotionally threatening then do you think those factors might be an influence on your thoughts?

Did you simply admire the boys looks or were you actually sexually attracted to him? There is nothing wrong with recognising someone's good looks if that is what happened.

I'm still confused by my attractions and I hate feeling like I don't know myself too.

To the OCD thing I have no idea I mean I'm assuming I have OCD and whether or not it could be fueling these thoughts and feelings I'm not for sure. I was like 13 or 14 when I had these same sex thoughts and it was always about one guy who was my best friend and same age as me over time I've had same sex thoughts about 4 or 5 more people over the years but it use not bother me cause my feelings towards women were really strong and I had way more staight thoughts than gay thoughts. I really don't think boys mean anything I mean I don't feel really anything towards them. I am romantically attracted to women no other gender I have never wanted to date a man or anyone else only women. I don't find women emotionally threatening. And the thing about the boys I have never masturbated to a pedophile thought of a kid I know in real life these thoughts occur just listening to their voices its really weird. I think OCD could possibly play a role in this but again I don't know. When I think about the future I've always thought about having a wife and kids but honestly I just can't see myself having kids I'm scared I'll have these thoughts. I almost feel like a prisoner with these thoughts. Are these thoughts always going to be around?? Can you do anything at all to control these thoughts or limit them? Does therapy work? These pedo thoughts aren't very common there quite rare but still having them is bothersome.

This thread popped into my mind today for no apparent reason and what do you know you replied. Weird.

Could it be that same sex thoughts are something that you might be paranoid about and that might cause OCD thoughts about it?

I too had same sex thoughts about some of my peers starting at 14 and dropping off at 16 and my feelings towards women has always been stronger until recently. I too only had thoughts and no real feelings at late 18 when they resurfaced. They did develop into quite strong feelings however. So what do you think of their voices? How do they make you feel? Do you think this is OCD and these thoughts are popping up simply because you consider them to be extreme and that you shouldn't be having them? Or do you actually find their high-pitched, feminine and energetic voices appealing? Even arousing? Do you think that you might be having these thoughts because you are getting to know these boys, getting along with them and connecting with them? Are they perhaps providing some level of emotional connection that you are seeking or lacking elsewhere? Could that, combined with the fact that you are straight and these boys sound and would even look more feminine, possibly be causing these sexual thoughts in an effort to satisfy some need?

I'm not saying we have the same issues and I'm not trying to put thoughts into your head but it is something to consider. These are things that I continue to consider about myself.

Don't let it stop you from having a family. Chances are you won't be sexually attracted to your own children as far as I know. Even if you are that doesn't mean that you are ever going to hurt them now does it? It might even make you a better, more caring parent. I'm not sure if you will always have these thoughts. We don't know the cause. I guess limiting your exposure to young males would limit or reduce these thoughts. Therapy might help but I'm not sure how easy it would be to identify the issues causing this problem and you should find out how therapists in your area deal with people saying they are having thoughts about children. You should be okay though.

Mustelidae wrote:This thread popped into my mind today for no apparent reason and what do you know you replied. Weird.

Could it be that same sex thoughts are something that you might be paranoid about and that might cause OCD thoughts about it?

I too had same sex thoughts about some of my peers starting at 14 and dropping off at 16 and my feelings towards women has always been stronger until recently. I too only had thoughts and no real feelings at late 18 when they resurfaced. They did develop into quite strong feelings however. So what do you think of their voices? How do they make you feel? Do you think this is OCD and these thoughts are popping up simply because you consider them to be extreme and that you shouldn't be having them? Or do you actually find their high-pitched, feminine and energetic voices appealing? Even arousing? Do you think that you might be having these thoughts because you are getting to know these boys, getting along with them and connecting with them? Are they perhaps providing some level of emotional connection that you are seeking or lacking elsewhere? Could that, combined with the fact that you are straight and these boys sound and would even look more feminine, possibly be causing these sexual thoughts in an effort to satisfy some need?

I'm not saying we have the same issues and I'm not trying to put thoughts into your head but it is something to consider. These are things that I continue to consider about myself.

Don't let it stop you from having a family. Chances are you won't be sexually attracted to your own children as far as I know. Even if you are that doesn't mean that you are ever going to hurt them now does it? It might even make you a better, more caring parent. I'm not sure if you will always have these thoughts. We don't know the cause. I guess limiting your exposure to young males would limit or reduce these thoughts. Therapy might help but I'm not sure how easy it would be to identify the issues causing this problem and you should find out how therapists in your area deal with people saying they are having thoughts about children. You should be okay though.

I take my time to read these I always get to scared to look at the responses lol don't know why but I always do. One of my biggest fears is that I'll turn gay sounds completely ridiculously but I'm worried one day my attraction for women will disappear and I'll develop feelings for a man. But you know I've read that you are born with your sexuality and I've also heard its like a fluid. So far I haven't felt any emotional attraction to men when I always think about going on a date I think about taking a woman its just kinda of funny to picture taking a man on date. But it sounds like I could be in denile or something. Pretty confusing time. The question with the voice maybe I find something appealing about their voices I really never thought about their higher pitched voices being I guess attractive. I guess I imagine what these kids look like by their voices. These thoughts are so weird I mean they just come on I have no idea why I wont be thinking anything sexual and they ll just start popping in my head. But I guess that like any sexual thought you have about a person. I don't theres really any type of emotional attachment to these kids. I don't think I'm lacking any emotion that these kids could provide. Maybe its the feminine thing cause i know I really like real feminine women possibly I am lacking something? I would not be able to get any type of therapy or medication for a while because this is one of the things I would never tell my friends or family and seeing I'm on my parents insurance and probably will be for a while I'll just have to do my best. Not talking to the kid anymore has stopped the thoughts completely its like I only have these thoughts if I am with a kid for a extended period of time. I would never act on these thoughts by still havin the thoughts are bothersome. Going back a little bit I forgot to add this in but to things you have to consider about yourself is extremely hard for me. My heart sank when I read "I'm not saying we have the same issues and I'm not trying to put thoughts into your head but it is something to consider. These are things that I continue to consider about myself.". I know I should accept all the possibilities of who I might be but its just so hard for me and then saying that makes me think I'm in denial of who I am. It just makes feel so worried.

Apparently there is a fluidity to human sexuality but we don't know if you were born this way, if there is an issue that needs to addressed or if this is just a temporary phase.

Denial about homosexuality has been put to me a few times before. Like perhaps I am repressing a homosexual desire and that manifests as an attraction to only young boys since they are masculine in some ways and yet still feminine in other ways. As if it allows me to relieve that mental pressure or something. Its just a theory though.

I guess if you do actually find their voices appealing then the voice itself is what causes the thoughts. Still, if this is ocd then it could just be the fact that you consider having such thoughts disgusting or extreme and that causes an unwanted thought. Is your thought process similar to that or are the sexual thoughts really out of nowhere?

How do you feel about women? Have you had a girlfriend before or sex? Are you confident with women and in your ability to get a girlfriend? Sorry if these questions are too intrusive.

If seeing boys or hearing their voices causes these thoughts then limiting your exposure would be the best way to reduce them. So do these thoughts only occur with boys that you know more than a stranger? Ones that you have a more personal connection with. If simply seeing a 'good looking' boy doesn't cause these thoughts then that is something to look at. Be it an emotional thing or ocd related. Or not relevant at all.

I understand that it's hard. I went through the same feelings as you when these thoughts resurfaced at 18. I too was playing games online and I ignored it at first but I did find the voices of boys appealing and soothing. I eventually became more conscious and mindful of it. I too began imagining sexual things and it scared me. I thought I was a paedophile and sick and was so worried as well. I eventually found this forum and lurked for several months before making some posts and eventually accepting myself somewhat. I still have days where I feel gross and sick and I still don't know why I am like this but I'm dealing with it. Again, I'm not saying we have the same issues but there are some similarities in my story.

Denial is something to consider but if one theory doesn't provide any new ideas or possible solutions then don't dwell on it. The best thing to do is to try to develop or maintain a healthy body and that means a healthy school, work and social balance too. If you are in a good place physically and emotionally then that provides a good platform for dealing with your worries and might even directly or indirectly help with these thoughts. Just know that these thoughts alone don't make anyone a bad person. Our thoughts don't determine if we are good or bad, our actions do. Have you considered trying to get a girlfriend and seeing if that relationship helps with these thoughts?

Mustelidae wrote:Apparently there is a fluidity to human sexuality but we don't know if you were born this way, if there is an issue that needs to addressed or if this is just a temporary phase.

Denial about homosexuality has been put to me a few times before. Like perhaps I am repressing a homosexual desire and that manifests as an attraction to only young boys since they are masculine in some ways and yet still feminine in other ways. As if it allows me to relieve that mental pressure or something. Its just a theory though.

I guess if you do actually find their voices appealing then the voice itself is what causes the thoughts. Still, if this is ocd then it could just be the fact that you consider having such thoughts disgusting or extreme and that causes an unwanted thought. Is your thought process similar to that or are the sexual thoughts really out of nowhere?

How do you feel about women? Have you had a girlfriend before or sex? Are you confident with women and in your ability to get a girlfriend? Sorry if these questions are too intrusive.

If seeing boys or hearing their voices causes these thoughts then limiting your exposure would be the best way to reduce them. So do these thoughts only occur with boys that you know more than a stranger? Ones that you have a more personal connection with. If simply seeing a 'good looking' boy doesn't cause these thoughts then that is something to look at. Be it an emotional thing or ocd related. Or not relevant at all.

I understand that it's hard. I went through the same feelings as you when these thoughts resurfaced at 18. I too was playing games online and I ignored it at first but I did find the voices of boys appealing and soothing. I eventually became more conscious and mindful of it. I too began imagining sexual things and it scared me. I thought I was a paedophile and sick and was so worried as well. I eventually found this forum and lurked for several months before making some posts and eventually accepting myself somewhat. I still have days where I feel gross and sick and I still don't know why I am like this but I'm dealing with it. Again, I'm not saying we have the same issues but there are some similarities in my story.

Denial is something to consider but if one theory doesn't provide any new ideas or possible solutions then don't dwell on it. The best thing to do is to try to develop or maintain a healthy body and that means a healthy school, work and social balance too. If you are in a good place physically and emotionally then that provides a good platform for dealing with your worries and might even directly or indirectly help with these thoughts. Just know that these thoughts alone don't make anyone a bad person. Our thoughts don't determine if we are good or bad, our actions do. Have you considered trying to get a girlfriend and seeing if that relationship helps with these thoughts?

So you've accepted that you are a pedophile? Sorry if that sounds extremely dumb lol I might of misinterpreted it. I really like women I like their bodies and I'm attracted to them romantically. Before February when this all started I had quite a attraction to women. Last girlfriend I had like like a year ago never had sex. Honestly right now I don't feel that confident about myself if I did I would try and get a girl but just right now I have so many worries and my confidence just isn't there. I'm the kind of person that is always concerned what people think about me. I get concerned that people are judging me or talking about me. I wish I didn't care about peoples opinion but its something that I think about. I'm unsure about my sexuality but I feel like I'm not gay cause I don't have any emotional feelings towards other men and I prefer women way more if I'm anything I guess it would be bi which still is unsettling. One thing that I think about is I'm worried I don't even have any OCD and I'm just using it as a "shield". And reading that denial could be a possibility just makes my heart sink. This is just so confusing I really don't know who I am. I barely have these pedophile thoughts by barely again like I've probably masturbated to these thoughts maybe 6-7 times over the course of 3-4 years. Does that still make a pedophile? I imagine it would make me one but its still scary.



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And by the way these questions aren't intrusive at all.

I'm not attracted to prepubescents so I'm not a paedophile but only being attracted to pubescents of any gender is abnormal.

A lack of confidence right now is completely understandable but you have had girlfriends in the past and I'm assuming that without these thoughts causing you grief, you would have the confidence to try and get another? If that is the case then I feel like that is a possible cause we can almost cross off. Of course I'm not a mental health professional but we can at least turn our attention elsewhere for now.

Well what made you bring up ocd before? Are you having unwanted, intrusive and obsessive thoughts in other areas of your life? Do these thoughts about children feel like that?

Denial is just a theory. It hasn't been proven to be a cause or have any scientific backing.

I believe the requirements to qualify as a paedophile are a recurring sexual attraction to prepubescents for 6 months or more. If that sounds like you well that still doesn't mean that you were born this way and that it is permanent. However, this being a fixed part of your sexuality is also a possibility. You've said that you only have these thoughts about boys you have gotten to know a little bit. Have you ever seen a 'good looking' boy in the street and been sexually attracted to him? If you haven't been attracted to boys in that situation then that is an interesting thing. It makes things sounds more emotional than sexual or like something else.

When and why did you masturbate to the thoughts? Was it just experimentation or were you actually turned on by the thoughts? I think if you only had OCD then you wouldn't be turned on by them. Did you masturbate once the thoughts popped up or did you choose to fantasise about it later?