Minor sexual interaction with teacher when I was 16

When I say minor, I mean a kiss that lasted several seconds. I hadn't told anybody about it for almost 24 years until this week, when the Lakey case was being discussed. Since I've told somebody else, it's like a blockage in my brain has been cleared, and my mind has been able to process it finally.

As soon as it happened, I could barely dare to think about it. Was I exaggerating it in my own mind? She'd kissed me on the cheek before, and I'm sure she knew that I'd had a crush on her for several years. All this time, from then until a few days ago, I've felt like just thinking about it in any depth was overstepping a boundary, not least because I felt that if I had misinterpreted this kiss, then somehow I'd violated her by letting my mind go somewhere it shouldn't.

I'll just briefly outline the circumstances. It happened in my bedroom. I'd decided to quit school, she was trying to change my mind, and we were completely alone in the building. When she realised my mind was made up, she went to snog me. I was overwhelmed. I just got up and walked out, and I never saw her again. Since then I've always wondered what would have happened if I'd reciprocated, but I've sort of blocked myself from daring to believe it really happened the way it did.

I'm sure now that I didn't misinterpret it. In a way, that makes me feel desperately guilty, because for the first time in 24 years, my thoughts about the incident now extend to her feelings following it. How did she feel when I got up, turned my back on her, and walked away at that moment? Does she beat herself up for overstepping a mark? When she hears news stories such as the Lakey case, does she feel a bit of fear that I might jump on a similar bandwagon?

This woman never had a manipulative or abusive bone in her body. I was over the age of consent, considered (erroneously) to be very mature for my age, and I'd just told her that I was no longer her pupil. Still, that moment that lasted a few seconds has been an unresolved weight in the back of my head for a long time. There was no way I was mature enough to deal with sexual contact from an older authority figure back then, as I proved by responding the way I did.

The reason I'm posting this on this board, is both to vent and to give food for thought. If somebody like me can go for 24 years without mentally dealing with such a minor thing as this, concerning a very loving and tender adult, what the Hell do younger and more vulnerable youngsters do when they encounter someone like Lakey, or worse?

I made a pass at the (male) french teachers when I was about 13. He was not responsive.

It seems to be not only more common than people are willing to accept that pubescent/teenage persons can develop sexual attraction to thier teaches but also that teachers can develop sexual attraction to thier pupils. Both parties are under pressure to resist, but desire of this sort can be very powerful.

I'm sure actual relationships between teachers and pupils happen all the time, and that in some cases, the balance of power is with the youngster. Kids can be right manipulative little sods. They're not all innocent, and it's fair to say that not every teacher who gets involved is going to be a predator. Wherever you get human beings, you'll get attractions springing up, and people can stumble on the line from time to time.

I was probably more innocent than I believed I was at 16 years old, but this teacher was no predator. Over the previous couple of years, she'd actually gone well out of her way and helped me a lot at a time when I was getting into all sorts of trouble, and now my brain cell has started to process that moment at last, I'm feeling terrible about the way things ended.

I've written a silly letter, not mentioning that last moment, but thanking her for all she did in those years, and saying I've never forgotten her, and that she'll always be an important figure to me, etc etc. It's probably too cringeworthy to send, but writing it was a good exercise.

My brain works in a funny way. Things can sit in my head for years, but I don't actually process them until I either tell somebody or write them down as if I'm telling somebody.

Thanks for sharing, it's really nice to be able share in someone's significant moments.

Don't beat yourself up. I'm sure she got over it. It probably would have made things complicated anyway.

If you feel guilty for maybe upsetting then that's evidence that you're not a bad person.

I'm trying to push a pro-contact agenda on everyone but if this whole post was to argue that minors or even those slightly older cannot consent to sex, I'm not convinced.

People change at different rates and different ways and besides, who's to say you wouldn't have enjoyed yourself had you reciprocated.

Yes you decided to not consent this time but the fact you did not consent does not mean you couldn't have. The important thing is choice and that we are not obstructed in making them whether we do the orthodox or unorthodox thing.

Not trying to push any agenda, Maligan, although I do think there's some potential grist for the mill in all of this.

I know for an absolute fact that I'd have enjoyed myself had I reciprocated. I didn't exactly 'not consent'. Rather, I was completely knocked off balance by the opportunity, and to put it simply, I bottled it and darted.

It's been a huge regret for all these years, but one I've subconsciously blocked myself from thinking too deeply about, because quite frankly, it makes me bloody angry with myself to the point where I feel like doing harm to myself.

Talking about it on here has helped. It's got a bit of my mind that's been 'stalled' for a long time moving again, and I do feel a bit lighter for it.

Maligan12 wrote:
I'm trying to push a pro-contact agenda on everyone .

Typo, typo. I am NOT doing that. Sorry.