Struggling with the possibility that I'm a pedophile

I'm a 17 year old male. Back when I was 13, I started going online and reading erotic stories involving very young girls.

Unfortunately, I felt turned on when I read them and often masturbated to them. Often times I'd have fantasies of my own involving very young girls and sought out new stories in the same "genre". During the same period I also started watching normal porn and masturbating to that as well - it was like I had two different sex lives, one healthy and the other one sick and disgusting.

I didn't really realize how sick and twisted these fantasies were until a year ago and stopped masturbating to the stories. However, I often feel the need to read them again to see if I get an erection, and I usually do, to my horror.

The thing is, I've never felt sexually attracted to a child in real life. Oddly enough I never even really recognized that what I was doing was pedophilia until last year. I don't look at CP (never have, and don't really want to) and lolicon creeps me out. It's just these damn stories and fantasies.

In real life, I am attracted to women and girls my age and older (preferably older).

I can't even look at children outside anymore without feeling a sense of dread and shame, and I often get really scared that I might be attracted to them, so I try not to go outside as much as possible. I spend hours every day imagining sexual thoughts involving children to see if I get erections and it's killing me.

And just for the record, I have never harmed a child, and don't want to. I'm considering suicide as a preferable option to prevent that from happening, especially since most pedophiles go on to do these types of things.

Do I sound like a pedophile? And if so, how can I get help to make sure I don't hurt anyone? Is it possible for me to live a somewhat normal life?

You aren't a pedophile. Only erotic stories that just happen to involve young girls turned you on but they don't in real life. You are not a pedophile. You have nothing to worry about.

There are a few points maybe worth commenting on.

Weight wrote:I started going online and reading erotic stories involving very young girls.

Unfortunately, I felt turned on when I read them and often masturbated to them. Often times I'd have fantasies of my own involving very young girls and sought out new stories in the same "genre".

Fantasizing about sex with children is the definition of pedophilia.

- it was like I had two different sex lives, one healthy and the other one sick and disgusting.

I didn't really realize how sick and twisted these fantasies were until a year ago and stopped masturbating to the stories.

Contrary to what your teenage friends or TV may have told you, there is nothing wrong with having sexual thoughts and feelings about children. It's extraordinarily ordinary; it ought to be a source of joy, not a cause of anguish. Children are sexual beings too.

I often feel the need to read them again to see if I get an erection, and I usually do, to my horror.

I can't even look at children outside anymore without feeling a sense of dread and shame, and I often get really scared that I might be attracted to them, so I try not to go outside as much as possible. I spend hours every day imagining sexual thoughts involving children to see if I get erections and it's killing me.

This checking habit sounds like POCD. Pedophile-OCD. Endless worrying one is a pedophile.

There are at least two ways to confront this:

- exposure. Face your fear. Expose yourself to the fact that you are a pedophile. Sit with it until the panic passes.

- error of fact. There is nothing problematic about having pedophilic fantasies except the judgment you are subjecting yourself to. The erroneous worry that there is a risk or danger is grounding your fears. But there's nothing to be alarmed about, it's perfectly common and healthy to have sexual ideas about little girls as you've described. And...

especially since most pedophiles go on to do these types of things.

Error of fact. Most persons convicted of sexual offenses against minors are situational offenders. The vast majority of people who have sexual thoughts and feelings towards children live very regular and law abiding lives.

Do I sound like a pedophile? And if so, how can I get help to make sure I don't hurt anyone? Is it possible for me to live a somewhat normal life?

Yes, if you fantasize about sex with children, then that is pedophilia. You can be fairly sure you won't hurt anyone by checking your beliefs against reality and recognizing that most people who are convicted of child molestation are not pedophiles. You, like most people who experience pedophilic thoughts and feelings, will most likely live a very normal life.

He feels nothing for children he sees in real life. He is simply responding to erotic fiction that just happens to involve young girls. He is not a pedophile. Pedophilia is a sexual attraction to prepubescent children and he feels nothing for them in real life. You are not a pedophile and should not stress but stop reading erotic fiction and forget about this.

Mustelidae wrote:He feels nothing for children he sees in real life. He is simply responding to erotic fiction that just happens to involve young girls. He is not a pedophile. Pedophilia is a sexual attraction to prepubescent children and he feels nothing for them in real life. You are not a pedophile and should not stress but stop reading erotic fiction and forget about this.

Whether the sexual thoughts and feelings involve real girls "or" only fantasies is irrelevant. One can find that "or" on page 697 of the DSM 5 in the section on Diagnostic Criteria for Pedophilic Disorder.

Since his account has strong POCD elements to it, it's maybe better he simply face the fact he is experiencing pedophilic thoughts and feelings rather than continuing to feed the OCD ritual with doubt and questioning.

Here is a link to the basics of Exposure from Psychology Today; the main idea is that if I fear my hands may be germ ridden, I stuff them in a can of stinking rubbish:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/tr ... atment-ocd

But is there not also a difference between fantasizing about children and having an automatic mental picture after reading erotic fiction involving children, something he has done since 13? Speaking of which why would you start reading child erotica from 13-17 if you aren't attracted to children? Exactly how old are the "very young girls"?